Different workloads and child care

[polkadotpjs]

I'm looking more for an idea of what to do here rather than who is BU because my head is about to explode.
DH and I are both WFH. Kids are mainly on XBox. Eldest goes to park with friends some days but otherwise they are quite bored now there's no school work.
The issue is that my job is much more sit at a desk for 8 hours, answering emails and doing stuff all say long. Tiny bit of project stuff but mainly being responsive to ad hoc requests so needed all day long.
DH however is more senior in his role and if things are ticking along in his company doesn't have the day to day to do list which I have. He is also given flex working and can work whenever he likes in the day whereas my day is fixed. He's managed to go for bike rides/ nip to shops/ go over to his parents for a few hours etc without any impact to his day. I'd struggle to be away for any longer than my allotted 30 minutes lunch. It's mad busy and we are a team member short. He's blown up at me saying he's juggling EVERYTHING and it's unfair. It's not entirely true as I get up way earlier and see to kids and as I see if if he lies in until 8.30 that's time wasted when I'm working AND looking after puppy and kids. I'm in dining room with puppy all day so manage feeding, loo trips, biting, playing, monitoring what he's biting and where he is whereas he sits away in a different room. My youngest just said "dad just goes on Twitter while your work is more work work" He has tonnes of free time pre and post Covid. Can clear off for 2-3 hour bike ride knowing I'll make tea and put kids to bed etc. Has two online friends things every week he won't miss whereas I'm here for kids first (after work or any downtime I'm checking kids)
Maybe it's just a bad day but I'm annoyed because unless I take annual leave I cannot stop working. It's impossible. Whereas he is way less busy but resents being the one to step up. He's always been 1950s dad in some ways and I suspect that he thinks in addition to my part time (4 days a week) status I need to also somehow carve out kid time. But I'm struggling and I'm number one puppy minder now too.
Thanks for reading and I feel better for venting. He's not good at seeing my side and only sees how stuff affects him and I suspect is missing business travel and his lads weekends that balance his life out. But I'm cross and missing life too.

Why does he get a room when your in the communal area of the house, that doesnt make sense at all

The room he is in is his hobby room so was just where he gravitated. There's not enough room for me to sit somewhere else other than dining table. He did offer to swap on some days but I use two screens so would mean moving monitors etc whereas he is paper free laptop only

We are the opposite way round in terms of roles and we do two hour shifts between childcare and solid working. Is your role so reactive that you really can’t be away for 30 mins? My husband thought that but 2 hours has just about been ok.

I'm happy to ask my work about taking turns and more flexibility but if his work isn't needed in his allotted slot then we are back to square one. I think it boils down to him not wanting to do house/ kid stuff when he's free. I'll do bits and bobs like bake lunch , empty dishwasher, put washer on, quick kitchen clean but they're 5 minute tasks and mean I'm still available most of the day. I can have half hour off for lunch but otherwise I need to be working or I'll get behind. This is so like many recent posts about who should do stuff round the house if one partner is off work and the other is working etc but with the slant that he's mostly working but it's fine if he nips off to shop/ post office or out for couple of hours. I'm booking leave to do some full days with kids and of course talk to them/ deliver snacks etc. I'm not tied to the desk but nor can I say right time to go to the park for an hour It's hard. And I'm biased because there's other stuff he does which annoys me. Like making kids and him lunch but not me. Leaving wet washing in front of the washer. Not a drip feed but an acknowledgement to myself that I might not be thinking objectively right now.

I didn't explain well sorry. I mean his work is more spiky in its nature meaning leaks and troughs of activity and they might not coincide with my times on/ off

Peaks not leaks sorry. Gah!

He is being an absolute nob. You need to ask him to sit down with you and draw up a list of childcare and housework that needs to be split evenly.
We both wfh full time and split all housework and childcare equally

Could you work out a list of tasks that need to be done in a day and then he does the more blocked time intensive stuff (taking the kids out for an hour, going to the shops etc) while you work in the more ad hoc/quick tasks that take 5 minutes or less that can be done between work - putting laundry in, unloading dishwasher, running the Hoover round one room etc?

He does need to suck up the fact that as he has more flexibility then he has to take on more of the household tasks, though.

making kids and him lunch but not me

I wouldn't be pleased with that. Sounds like he mainly does things that are for him in his flexible work time so I don't see how he's 'juggling everything'.

I think first you need to take a week and record what actually happens. Dont tell him you're doing it as he will probably change his behaviour. How much time do you actually spend cooking, housework, shopping, kids activities, walking the dog or whatever throughout the day. And see if there really is a big imbalance. I'd guess you are doing little and often while he does the 'big' things and doesnt see your lots of 'little' things. What does he actually think he is juggling? I dont think there is always an answer either. Its shit if you're trying to wfh and have kids, there is no time for anything and unfortunately if one person has a less flexible or busier job, the other one just has to do a bit more and no it's not fair bit it's not anyone's fault either. Its like if he has to travel with work you have to do more, and that's not really fair on you either but you just get on with it. I'm not sure what he actually wants you to do though or if he just wanted to have a moan?

He isn't juggling much because as far as I can tell, he drops everything when he has an important meeting or wants to do his hobbies / watch football. Won't even move until half time when that's on but me, I have to be ultimately flexible. And yes, little and often shit jobs is me. He won't wash up. Says it hurts his hands and if he had gloves he'd do it. They've not been opened 4 weeks later. He rages thr house is a mess but we are all untidy. I suggested 15 minutes before we sit down for the night and he said no, he'll do it tomorrow while I take kids for day out. The house gets messy gradually so grand gesture tidy ups don't work

He won't wash up. Says it hurts his hands and if he had gloves he'd do it. They've not been opened 4 weeks later.
Ah, the trouble here isn't differing workloads or parenting styles, it's that he's a raging bellend.

Why does he get a hobby room and separate workspace and you don't?

Chuck the puppy in with him tomorrow, for starters.

Sorry I told a fib. He opened the gloves to clean up puppy poo in his hobby room.
Not to wash up. I feel like he's a raging knob / cockwomble and I'm sick of it

I think your issues go deeper than just differing workloads in the current situation OP.

He doesn't feel like he has responsibility for the household chores. He thinks it's your job.

You need to have a calm upfront discussion about work/life balance in general and come up with a plan for sharing it all out equally. And I agree with a PP in recording all the minutes you each spend doing household work for a week.

Ok it sounds like it's not so much an issue with differing workloads as an issue with him thinking that housework is ultimately your responsibility, and him getting annoyed that you expect him to contribute when you cant. And him also picking the jobs he wants to do instead of sharing the shitty ones.
I'm not sure what the answer is other than talking about it and backing up what you say with evidence about what each of you do, and using lots of 'I feel' statements eg when you say you will do the washing up and then it doesnt get done it makes me feel very resentful because you not doing it means I have to do it, or something

What job does he do that as manager, he has so little to do so much freedom?

It's not always quiet for him. Just that he has more gaps and less grunt work than me. Mine is pretty steady away plus my job tasks are the same as when I was 5 days so my 4 days are full on and there's always something more needs doing