Please talk some sense into me

[aline7]

I caught DP using a chat website with the purpose of anonymously sexting other women. When I caught him out he then came clean and told the truth, gave me his login to the site etc.

I said I could potentially work through it provided he did certain things. This involved therapy (which he now goes to) and restrictions on his phone use. As he hid the app / website very sneakily on his phone so no evidence would exist he allowed me to put up restrictions on using his phone and what he did behind my back. In return, I said that slowly I will try to trust him again and if I can't then we know that we can't go on.

The worst part and a big reason for my staying is just before we moved into a very expensive house, I had a bad feeling and told him. He swore that he had not done anything untoward - he was lying and he we are 4 months into our new home.

Now the issue has stemmed from DP not being allowed to use his phone as and when he wants. He doesn't need it for work and uses a laptop all day anyway for what he enjoys doing (horse racing). He still talks to his friends but his phone usage has gone from 7 hours a day (it was always an issue) to 1 hour.

But if there's a disagreement or an argument about something else he has now gone to say "why should I do it" and picks up his phone, threatening to go on the apps that make me anxious (not the chat thing) and turns nasty. I've realised that I am heavily relying on good faith to stay in this relationship, because he throws me into an anxious mess when he does that.

I am 26 and we have no children. He refuses to leave the house despite what he's done. I don't know what to do but please talk some sense into me.

I've not told anyone irl what's happened

If he did leave the house where would you be financially? Could you afford the house on your own?

@pepperycinnamon I could pay the mortgage but not afford the mortgage to be transferred into my name. I've said that if he can't do what I need to feel less anxious around him then he should leave whilst we figure out selling. But he won't.

He could live with his parents at least for a few weeks for free easily. They get free accom as part of their jobs including for family.

This isn't a long term plan. He's resenting the control you have over his phone use and privacy, which you both agreed due to his unfaithful behaviour in an attempt to save your marriage.

He doesn't want to play ball and really this is no way to have a relationship with an absence of trust. It's now becoming about what you're doing rather than his original dishonest behaviour. It's really unhealthy.

Sorry, but you need to sell that house and separate. Even if it's for a while, he needs an incentive - being single and separated and without your company to feel what he is losing - than to limp on like this. It's so much harder

I'd throw him out, tell him to stay with friends or rent a room in someone's house for 3 months and you can both decide after then what to do, (depending on how he behaves eg if he stops paying mortgage/bills then he's gone for good!) . He can give you your space to try to save marriage at a cost to his comfort away from home or you can file for divorce sooner. I'd be getting estate agents round and force his hand.

Can you afford to move out or have family you can stay with? You obviously can't trust him. If he's threatening to go back on the app every time you have an argument, then he's not that sorry. End the relationship and get the house on the market.

He’s threatening you less than 4 months since he betrayed you.

Take back control OP. If he was serious about making amends he would be absolutely sticking to your agreed terms.

A few months of uncomfortable living is worth it to be rid of this unpleasant character.

So sorry.

Doesn't sound like he's working very hard to get your trust back. Is it worth the ongoing worry for you?

Monitoring his phone and walking on eggshells..
Your relationship is over op.
He only wants it to work if he can continue being a twat and you being a walkover..

He so not sorry & you’re trying to apply forms or control so you feel you can trust him, but ultimately if he threatens you with this during arguments he isn’t sorry. He could easily buy a burner phone & you would be none the wiser.

You could pack a bag & leave in the night. You have no children, the house could be sold in your absence. I would leave & disappear too, let him come home one day & you are gone.

As he hid the app / website very sneakily on his phone so no evidence would exist he allowed me to put up restrictions on using his phone and what he did behind my back.

This is no way to live. Your relationship is already over. You can't trust him without controlling and monitoring his phone use, he uses threats of accessing apps that would make you anxious to upset you when you've had a disagreement, he's a liar and a cheat... what reason do you have to stay with him?

For goodness' sake OP. Far from showing genuine remorse and making a clean start, this man is using his previous unfaithful behaviour as a weapon against you in arguments while you try to control him to keep him faithful. This is no basis for a relationship.

26, unmarried with no kids? Just get out. You're young and free, don't throw it away on this.

He is not your 'life partner', get rid ASAP. In a very short while you will be wondering why stayed so long!

First things first, Go and see a solicitor see where you stand ref selling the house.

You may have to take him to court if he refuses to sell. Does he want to take the mortgage in on his own?

Your 26. No ties except the house. Get rid of this relationship ASAP.

Your effectively on best behaviour to stop him messaging other women for sex talk. Fuck that.

Remove the emotion from this and look at it logically for five minutes. He's been caught out already, treats you like shit, threatens to go back on the app to upset you and makes out it's your fault. Has he got a magic cock or something?

He will do it again. He's already coming up with threats to do it and blaming you. That will be his excuse when he takes it to the next step with these randoms he is messaging.

Fuck him off today and don't waste another bit of your life on him and his arseholing ways.