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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH's debt and new gadget

11 replies

WDBSA · 29/07/2020 18:49

My DH is paying off a considerable amount of debt (almost his annual income before tax), which he is lucky to have had help to consolidate mainly into one loan, but the repayments mean he has little left each month and regularly runs out of cash, relying on me.

He still has credit cards which are only partially paid off, not fully, so, unfortunately, he can continue to borrow.

Today a parcel arrived in the post and I asked what he was expecting. He didn't open it straight away, said he didn't know, and it was one of a range of things ordered for work.

He does have electronic/industry items delivered, which are paid for by the company, but when he opened it, it seemed too much like something he'd buy for himself (not that he'd mentioned wanting anything like it), with only a tenuous link to using on a work callout.

He said it had gone on his company credit card and named the customer it was intended for.

He can replenish normal home office stationery supplies with this work credit card, or pay for drinks during meetings, but customer specific purchases, or expensive equipment (like a printer) go through the office. It just didn't ring true.

And it turns out that's because it wasn't. It cost twice what he said, and he eventually admitted to paying for it himself.

We haven't spoken since I asked why he lied and he had no answer. I pointed out that he was happily getting further into debt for expensive choices, offsetting the things he was working hard to pay back, and I was annoyed to be bailing him out with household expenses and providing the occasional treat (new clothes/takeaways) to enable him to get rid of his debt as quickly as possible, without being completely miserable. He doesn't see why he needed to tell me and can't carry on 'managing' his credit.

AIBU in having an opinion on his spending?

OP posts:
BIWI · 29/07/2020 18:51

Stop enabling him by bailing him out.

MissConductUS · 29/07/2020 18:52

Since you're married you are NBU at all to be concerned about his debts.

It sounds like he has a spending issue.

MegaClutterSlut · 29/07/2020 18:53

Don't bail him out anymore. He knows you'll give him money in the end, he needs to learn the hard way

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 29/07/2020 18:58

Does he need the partially-paid off credit cards? Or, after talking things through with you and organisations like StepChange, is it feasible for him to cut up the cards and to agree not to use them for online purchases?

We recently had a family member who'd been lying about the existence of a substantial debt. We were fortunate in that it could all be transferred to a 0% card and it was cut up as soon as the transfer went through and the payments set up so no purchases could be made on it.

Fairenuff · 29/07/2020 19:02

Well really you are helping to pay the debt at the same time as he is racking up more debt so I agree with pp. Stop enabling him.

WDBSA · 29/07/2020 19:04

The credit cards are necessary for now @EmbarrassingAdmissions, as he couldnt borrow the full amount as a loan, and there are no further balance transfer deals available to him. I thought the payments were set up and he had removed the credit cards from his online accounts as a way of avoiding temptation, but they have just been added back on when he wanted to use them.

OP posts:
AuntyFungal · 29/07/2020 19:10

Think long and hard about ‘managing’ his money.

You’ve already found out you can’t.

Do you want a lifetime of scrimping and worry? Whilst he spends - confident in the knowledge you’ll pick up the mental and financial load.

Chloemol · 29/07/2020 19:11

make sure he transfers to you on payday his share of the bills, food etc. Then if he runs out at the end of the month, tough

Also if he needs to cards to pay off the debt, then there is no requirement to have an actual card, so ask him to destroy them in front of you, and to remove the account numbers from his online banking

If he won’t then just leave him to it, I would absolutely refuse to help him am6 more, but would insist on a transfer on his payday to debt.bills etc

Clymene · 29/07/2020 19:12

Take them off the accounts, cut the cards up, remove all the cookies and insist you see every single statement once a week.

If he's going to behave like a child, he gets treated like one. Personally I'd dump him but if you're not going to do that, he's demonstrated he can't be trusted

FattyBoom · 29/07/2020 19:28

Definitely stop bailing him out, no more clothes or takeaways for him

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 29/07/2020 19:46

I'm sorry but he has very little respect for you

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