Been told my mum is dying and my dad getting on to me about money ..aibu ?

[angeharis]

I've been to the hospital and just got told my mum is dying.
They've stopped treatment.
I got to my dads upset.
I sit down and he says "do you realise a £18 Uber eats has came off my bank card"
I told him it was a accident as years ago I used his card for a Uber.
I thought it came from my card.
It was a genuine mistake
I said sorry and gave him the money.
He doesn't stop
You should be careful what your doing
That came off my card
I threw my purse at him and walked out
Over £18
He text saying
I won't forget the way you've behaved there

I have just been told my mum is dying in the next few days more than likely
How can you be so nasty

Wow, shocking behaviour from your Dad. So sorry to hear about your mum, focus on the good times and the good memories. I know it doesn't seem possible now but you will come through stronger. Just ignore your father, he sounds awful!

My mum had cancer for four years but a month ago we were told a rare complication meant she was suddenly palliative, and she died the next day. I completely understand where you are OP, it's a horrific shock even if you knew it was coming at some point.

Please be kind to yourself, ignore your Dad, and do whatever you need to get yourself through the time your mum has left. After that you'll be in a very strange bubble and that will carry you through.

I am so sorry that’s awful if ur dad

I disagree that people have been harsh towards the dad, she apologised and gave him the money, there was no need for him to keep going on about it, especially as the OP was clearly upset about her mum. Obviously we don't know about his financial situation and whether he could have afforded to be nice about it and treat her, for example, but I am not surprised the OP snapped.

Regardless of whether your parents are together or not, there will still be grief on your dad's part - and that can make people behave REALLY oddly.

I remember, we had a family get-together a year to the day after my dad died. Mum seemed fine on the face of it, but then got really arsey with me about a photograph from my phone that she wanted printing. She wasn't happy with the one I'd already given her ("it's far too dark!" - looked fine to me!), and forced me out of the hotel, in a town I didn't know, to track down a supermarket where there might be a photo printing place, to get another copy of this photo!
She's normally super-chill about everything. So I was really confused and upset as to why she was so arsey about a photo...
But the next morning, when she crawled into bed with me, crying about missing dad - I understood.
Mis-directed grief.

I agree zingzally your poor mum. I can think of examples too in my family where members have behaved a bit bizarrely, misdirected anger over trivial things and causing arguments in the face of traumatic news.

I don't know op, maybe you overreacted a little bit too?

Give yourself time to process the news before making rash decisions.

I agree with others, seek support from friends if you can or there are helplines you can ring if you're struggling alone x

Having been in a situation with my mother in law passing away whilst still at home, people do behave oddly- I think grief,impending death, regrets and sadness cause a lot of irrational behaviour.

In another situation your Dad may have teased you about his card being used and you might have hugged him and laughed together.

If you were t so stressed and sad maybe you wouldn’t feel so angry, if your dad wasn’t so sad maybe he wouldn’t have mentioned it.

But this is a difficult time and a dreadful thing to live through, but it just goes to show life really is too short.

Hug your Dad xx

I think he still thinks of her as a kid to be taught a lesson - an apology and immediate return of the money should be the end of it and delete his card of the uber ap and tell him done. Walk out and forget about it. If it bothers you just don't contact him till things are over with your Mum its going to be a tough few months you don't need the extra agro and upset.

Wow.

I think you need to get some proper support op, this is such a raw and difficult time and you need to be around people that can support and care for you in a gentle and compassionate way. It does not sound like your Dad can be that person.

Do you have anyone else op? Friends? Counsellor?

‘ Well you know it was coming,it's sad but one of those things.’

^ he’s right op.

We are all on a time limit, try and see the positives.
I’m assuming she’s not very well? She won’t have much longer to endure the pain, she will be pain free and not scared anymore. Finally at peace.

You have time to prepare for the news. I’ve experienced this with both parents, once like this and a complete shock, time to prepare really helps.

Nobody will ever take the memories of your mum away from you, she will live on- through you.

Celebrate her life, and what wonderful years you had with her.

There is never a ‘right’ time to lose a loved one, ever. It’s crippling sadness and extremely hard to overcome, but it’s inevitable for all of us and ultimately it’s what allows us to experience life in the first place.

I hope you find some peace with the situation op, I also hope you can be with her when the time comes, fighting with your dad will not change the situation with your mum though, it won’t make you feel any better either. Just ignore him and discuss this with him when you’re emotionally strong enough too.

Best wishes op.

I hope this doesn't sound like I think he's in any way reasonable but people act out so differently around death.

There may be no love lost now, but if anything that could add to his confusion around the whole thing?

You say you rely on him a lot. IN what way? Financially? Or have you been using him for emotional support? Not that that's wrong of course, but I'm trying to think of what would make him react like that IYSWIM?

I know a few people who are kind and loving and caring and SO incredibly awkward when people are upset. They're not bad, or twats, or monsters. They just really don't know how to react to it.

I'm so, so, SO sorry about your mum. Do you have anyone you can talk to? A friend?

This news is bound to bring up memories for your dad. Whether they're good memories or bad ones, they're still his memories and he's going to have to deal with them. Or perhaps he simply felt resentful at how much pain your mother's impending death is causing you. I don't know. But either way I'm sure he wasn't in his usual frame of mind.

What he said about the charge and then his text were very, very ill-timed and thoughtless no doubt and I know your emotions are running high. But is your relationship with him such that you want to end it over this incident?

Probably your best bet is to just let things lie for a day to give you both time to let the emotions settle. If, once you've thought about it, you decide he doesn't provide you enough love and support to forgive him his thoughtlessness, then fine. But if he's been a good father to you and you know you can rely on him when the chips are down, then perhaps it's best to bury the hatchet.

I will say that there is never any excuse to throw something at someone in anger.

Had you considerd that your Dad might also be upset and in shock?

OP - I'd ignore the PPs who said and agreed with the spiel that included "I don't see anything wrong with him bringing up the card mistake" - Well, I don't think that would ever be appropriate to bring it up like that for a casual acquaintance or friend whom he knew had been given that news, let alone a DD whom he presumably loves. No reasonable person with an ounce of empathy should act like that in those circumstances and then, on reflection, to have followed up with the text message.

If he's your remaining family then you'll perhaps want to reflect on whether it's better to bite your tongue but you are absolutely reasonable to feel hurt and angry.

Thoughtless of him

BUT fact they’ve not been a couple of 30 years should have been In your OP!

I'm so sorry about your mum OP.

Your dad's being a dick. I would tell him bluntly that while he's long written off the love and relationship he had with her, she's your mother! She makes up half of you. And you're going to lose her. And he wanted to talk about an accidental £18 you spent and lecture you about it. That's twattish behaviour, and he can go to hell.

I'm so sorry , OP.

My mates x wife died he was all over the place literally so confused no love lost between them but he said she was part of his life didn't know how to feel .
He felt hypocritical being upset as they had parted ways but they were together 15 years.

I’m sorry you’re going through this op. We currently have a terminally ill family member and it is hard and deeply upsetting. But we do discuss and address other things that are going on. It would drive us mad to only concentrate on the one topic and, however hard it is to acknowledge just now, the world keeps spinning.

I’m sorry your dad wasn’t sympathetic. We don’t know him, he could be an insensitive, horrible person who doesn’t care. He could be hurting and unable to show how much he is hurting. He could be really lacking in emotional intelligence.

Those saying he shouldn’t have brought up the £18, I think it depends how much of a problem being short £18 may cause him. Also, he might have been concerned that if left unaddressed, his card could continue to be used which might leave him even shorter. I think most people would be a little worried about charges appearing on their cards that they haven’t made themselves And would want the problem to be dealt with.

Sounds like he is controlling towards you OP. He knows what he is doing and he knows you would be upset and brings up £18 when your mother is dying. I'd not bother with him until he'd apologised for his behaviour.

Sorry to hear about your mum.