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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be anxious about my children when they're not with me

23 replies

Scottishgirl85 · 29/07/2020 11:16

We have young daughters, 2 and 5, and live nowhere near family, so they are always with us/trusted childcare/playdates with friends where we stay too as we are friends with the parents etc etc.
We have grandparents staying to help over summer as we both work full-time. Today grandparents have taken the girls off for a day out, about 40 min drive away on fast roads. The girls adore them, no problems there.
I'm near tears thinking about different scenarios, especially car accident, I feel physically sick.
How can I address this anxiety, surely it's not normal!

OP posts:

keepingbees · 29/07/2020 11:21

I'm the same. I am an anxious person but I think it's also because, like you, my children are never with anyone else or taken away from me. If it was something that happened regularly it would become normal.
Although as parents you will always worry about your children when they're away from you as you can't be there to protect them.
Try and relax, take your mind off the worry. Keep in text contact if possible so you know they've arrived safely and when they're leaving etc. I'm sure they'll have a great time.

CMMum88 · 29/07/2020 11:24

You're right, it's not normal to be near tears. We don't live near family either so it's great when they come to stay and look after the children and we get a break.

Do you work? Do you leave them with your DP?

GreytExpectations · 29/07/2020 11:26

It's good you have recognised that your anxiety is bad, it's not normal to be near tears at the thought of your kids having a nice day out with their grandparents. Have you considered seeking medical help such as therepy to support you? Anxiety doesn't tend to go away on its own.

Raera · 29/07/2020 11:27

When I have my grandsons I take photos of them several times a day and Whatsapp them to their mum to reassure her.
If they stay with me over night I take a photo of them fast asleep.
Could your parents do the same?

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 29/07/2020 11:32

I felt similar, although jot close to tears, the first few times Dd went off with her Dad as a toddler as he hadn't looked after her before and it passes over time. Then she went on a school residential in yr4 and I felt similar. I know colleagues whose older children have started driving and theyve felt like it until that are back home safe. These things pass and normalise with time. Occupy yourself My kitchen was spotless the first few times Dd had contact with her Dad.

frankiefirstyear · 29/07/2020 11:34

I feel the same when leaving my young daughter in someone else's care. Single mother here with virtually no help let alone babysitters! It should get easier as time goes on but it is difficult for me even leaving her at nursery (she starts in September) will be terrible I know it. Don't be too hard on yourself for being upset. I find having a large, fulfilling list to complete helps take my mind off it. Hope you feel better soon and hope they all have an excellent time so it will help you manage your anxiety in future ❤️

Nanasueathome · 29/07/2020 11:37

It never changes...sorry
My youngest is 39 and due to the nature of his job I still worry about him all of the time
He’s very capable and completely stress free but I still worry

897654321abcvrufhfgg · 29/07/2020 11:40

Yes I understand completely. Unless they are at school I spend every minute I can’t see my children worrying about them. I eve remind my husband to watch them and not lose them when he takes them out. I think it stems from having a younger sibling growing up who in the 80’s would go missing for up to an hour from the age of 7-8. Either popping round to a friends house or wandering off out the door inthe supermarket. I used to pay her my pocket money not to go shopping on a Saturday as was so worried about her. She is a perfectly functioning adult now whereas I am a nervous wreck!

FourPlasticRings · 29/07/2020 11:41

I think you get used to it. My MIL looked after DD as childcare four days a week for an entire year. Then we hit lockdown so it was just me and DD for a few months. Then MIL offered to take DD for a walk to the park and I was anxious about it, even though logically I knew she'd been in charge of her for much longer before and it was only a local walk. I think it's like separation anxiety. Try and distract yourself and you'll probably find it easier next time.

LizzieMacQueen · 29/07/2020 11:50

What you're doing is catastrophising - thinking of the worst possible outcome. Now obviously that's your anxiety doing that but you could try CBT, cognitive behaviour therapy available as an online resource your gp can get you on to. That'll suggest coping mechanisms.

Original poster

Scottishgirl85 · 29/07/2020 17:46

Thanks everyone. I do think I have anxiety issues, mostly relating to driving (and flying!) that has been triggered since having kids. I work full-time but don't worry about them at school/childminder's as I see them as 'safe' there, no car journeys, in a safe environment etc. Never an issue leaving them with husband either, he's wonderful with them. But if they are driving somewhere with fast roads, without me, I'd without a doubt be very anxious. It's the thought of them all being killed, it consumes me. DH is a very safe driver, but it's the thought of others on the road.
Catastrophising is an excellent description. We have a wonderful life but always in the back of my mind I think it could all be gone in moments, and it does stop me enjoying life to the full. I don't want to look back at our best years and regret that I didn't fully enjoy them...

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 29/07/2020 17:48

It's probably a good idea to speak to your doctor about this level of anxiety

jgjgjgjgjg · 29/07/2020 18:27

You can self refer for help with mental health challenges (including severe anxiety) though IAPT.

www.england.nhs.uk/mental-health/adults/iapt/

Thefab3 · 29/07/2020 18:49

I’m like this too op but I will say it gets easier as they get older. I definitely think it stems from having no practical help. My family and dhs family are very hands-off, we’ve never had help so we aren’t used to it. We did get a babysitter a couple of times in the house and that was ok but if they were out and about with them I’d feel very on edge as it’s totally alien to us.
Your children are with their grandparents so they’ll be fine op. When your mind starts to get worried, think about something else. Don’t dwell on the different scenarios. I know it’s easier said than done . They will be fine

lifestooshort123 · 29/07/2020 19:28

I agree with the sharing of photos on WhatsApp during the trip. Even though I've helped care for my 12-yr old grandson since birth, I document our days with silly pictures of meals and funny faces which I send to mum throughout the day. She says it helps her to see him having fun - I don't send pictures of granny whipping him, obviously (... Joke).

eatsleepread · 29/07/2020 20:53

I can't relate to this at all, as I enjoy the break from them too much!

puffinkola · 29/07/2020 21:20

I think it's normal for parents to worry and I absolutely worry about car accidents. You don't need to go to a doctor because you are worried about car accidents, ridiculous suggestion (and good luck with getting to see a GP anyway, even pre-covid).

But you have to put it to the back of your mind, say it won't happen and they'll have a lovely time.

alwaystired234 · 29/07/2020 21:25

I am like this too. It has only gotten a bit better recently as my eldest has his 15 hours a week at nursery and I've gotten used to him being away more

AllMyGreggsInOneBasket · 29/07/2020 21:30

I am absolutely identical to this, its awful isn’t it. DH is lovely and understanding, messaging me when he’s arrived somewhere when taking the DC out but we live near a massive busy A road and a hospital (so lots of ambulances up and down) and if he’s out with them and I hear sirens I feel really anxious. I also have health anxiety so I get really panicky if someone is ill. I’m going to speak to my GP about it.

HelloDulling · 29/07/2020 21:32

I have a couple of friends who were like this. Insisted on going on every school trip, followed the kids when they went on their first school trip overnight, always dropped off and picked up for play dates and sleepovers, never let their kids get a lift with a friend.

It’s not good for your MH, and unfair to your children if they miss out on things. I’m not sure what you need to do, but don’t do nothing.

Thefab3 · 29/07/2020 21:41

@HelloDulling , just asking out of interest, does your family (grandparents etc) babysit for you?

Original poster

Scottishgirl85 · 29/07/2020 22:52

I think I probably should seek counselling but I just don't see how it will help. Nobody can tell me my family is invincible, nobody can tell me that my children will outlive me and live happy healthy lives. I guess it's about learning to push the negative thoughts to the back of my mind.
The girls did of course come back safely and had a lovely day! Tomorrow I don't need to worry as they're doing activities locally

OP posts:

AllMyGreggsInOneBasket · 30/07/2020 07:07

My dc are similar ages to yours and my dd(3) is extra tricky too, she’s still prone to bolting off in big open spaces (we are working on this) so that in itself is scary if it’s just one of us out with both kids. I totally agree with you about other drivers too - the amount of people you see driving like idiots or with phones etc makes me so cross.

My anxiety has got worse over the last year for some reason. I’m generally a happy person and don’t suffer from low mood but I worry to a ridiculous degree when it comes to my family’s safety.

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