AIBU to ask if you have a tween/teenager who enjoys being alone

[confusedandold]

We are moving back to the UK this year from overseas. My son has just turned 13. He had an operation in September which involved extensive skin grafting and a 6 weeks recovery. Due to this, we started homeschooling so we could cover the UK curriculum in preparation, then ironically, schools were shut in March anyway.

He has a couple of friends that he has not seen much of since Covid-19 and he plays with a couple of other friends online. He spends lots of time with us as a family and seems happy enough. We have a large extended family here so we always have family popping in and out. He seems to have a strong sense of self, he cares little of what others think of him and is not easily influenced. I believe he is a kind and empathetic lad. He is on the quiet side and a little shy with new people.
I can't help but worry that he enjoys being on his own a little too much. In contrast, his younger brother is very extroverted, loves being in the thick of everything, and is climbing the walls for his friends if he is not with them.

It is going to be a huge change for him when we go back to the UK. I was just wondering if there are any parents out there who also have quiet children who are not massively sociable? Has it or does it worry you?

I could’ve written this post. My eldest is the same, and I am not getting used to it. I have a rule however that he must meet up with a friend once a week- even if just for a short time. I happily pay for things like cinema or takeaway at our house to encourage him to have people round. My youngest loves company and so do I, although less as I’ve got older, so I find it hard to understand, and feel sad that he isn’t out and about, meeting people and Getting up to stuff with his friends. On the plus side, I know for certain he is not the kid who is out tormenting the neighbours or wrecking play equipment in the park, Andover importantly he seems happy.

My son is also happy on his own for long periods of time. I am also an introvert and was similar as a child (and now, to be fair), so it doesn't worry me.

My oldest daughter (13). She has a lot of friendly aquintences who invite her to lots of outings and events, but it's 50/50 on whether she chooses to go or not, and I certainly wouldn't consider them her friends, through they certainly could be if she wanted them to be.

Only difference is, she's been like that since 7 or 8 years old. I think that I would be more concerned if it was a a new development that coinsided with a big life change, because I was like that as a teenager. Very social until about 15 when I gradually cut out all my friends until I ultimately in my 20's spent a few years with no friends at all through my own choice. Looking back now, it coincided with my mother's second divorce that spiked both her and my sister's borderline personality disorders, which resulted in me turning to progressively worse maladaptive daydreaming, and while I don't look back on those years with regret -because I certainly wasn't unhappy and still had a lot of fun- I do know that I missed out on a lot of vital lifr experiences that I really could've benefited from as a result.

My 12 yr old dd is very much like this. She texts friends a fair bit and will meet up with them now and again, but she enjoys nothing more than time on her own, watching the telly with our dog. I think she'll be someone who needs her own quiet time regularly.

My youngest is completely different

If your son is an introvert and your house is already busy with extended family etc then he may already be getting all the social interaction he needs/can cope with. As an introvert, having a parent who pushed social activity was torture. I was capable of making friends and socialising in my own way, but was forced into false social relationships by parents who didn’t trust I could make decisions about what I wanted and needed. As an adult, I have plenty of good friendships with people that I think I find much easier to maintain because I also have control of my own downtime. Everyone is different so my experience may not ring true for your son, but thought it might be helpful to offer an introvert perspective on this.

How has the operation affected his looks and mental health? Could he be pretending everything is ok and he cares little of others opinions? Hope he is recovering well.

My DD is a tween and an only child. She has friends and fits in well but she doesn't seem to care much what people think, although sometimes she will say that she didn't feel comfortable with something. She has spent a lot of time alone in her room over lockdown.

The only reason I would be concerned about your son, who otherwise is acting perfectly "normal" is if the operation is affecting him more than he is letting on.

I agree with gavisconismyfriend. I was an introverted child, quite happy to sit in my room and read a book, but my DM pushed me into a lot of social activity. I know that she meant well but it took years for me to realise that being introverted and my way of socialising was actually ok. I'd say, don't force what you expect to be normal or what his DB is doing onto him.

Yes, 12yo DD1. She's happy to text her best friends who are at different schools but is more than happy to not see anyone. She complains that teachers are always trying to get her to sit with other people at lunchtime when they spot her on her own but she's perfectly happy with her book. She's exactly the same as me so I totally get it.

I have a rule however that he must meet up with a friend once a week- even if just for a short time.

Fucking hell - why? Forcing social interaction like this is just weird. If my parents had forced me to play with the arseholes I was at school with, I would have left home even earlier than I did.

Enjoying and preferring one's own company is not a weakness, or a character flaw. I could weep for all the happily self-sufficient kids being bossed by needy extrovert parents.

Can I recommend the book Quiet by Susan Cain. Very helpful in understanding introverts.

Yes my Dd prefers her own company, she has friends and does see them socially but only if she's really in the mood, can take it or leave it. No surprise to me as I've always been happy in my own company and have never needed constant company of others. We have our own interests and hobbies, get out daily for dog walks, neither of us are into brand shopping, we like our theatre trips and holidays but just don't need to be out all the time being part of a group. Lockdown hasn't bothered us in that sense.

@Chitlin because when he does meet up with them, most often in our house, he laughs with them so hard he can’t breathe, and for the few days after he is a happier, more relaxed version of himself. Too much of anything is bad for people, a little interaction is all I ask. He needs to learn social skills as much as he needs to study for his exams, it’s a big part of life whether people like it or not. For me, it’s a essential as brushing his teeth and taking exercise. It is my job to help him grow up to be a well rounded individual.

@Chitlin I would also remind you that personal attacks are against the spirit of this site- fair enough not to agree with what I feel is right for my child, no need to curse at me and call me needy, which is far from the case.

@NancyNoNickers
I completely understand what you are saying. My son enjoys time on his own, but likewise, when he is encouraged to be more sociable he enjoys it but often has to be nudged as he doesn't always actively seek it. I wouldn't dream , like you, of throwing him into a situation he was uncomfortable with. But I do agree with encouraging socialising so that he doesn't become a recluse which I don't think is healthy either.

He seems to have a strong sense of self, he cares little of what others think of him and is not easily influenced. I believe he is a kind and empathetic lad.

This is my teenage ds and Dd to a t.

Absolutely normal for some people to be introverts. If he’s happy with his own company, that’s no bad thing.

when he does meet up with them, most often in our house, he laughs with them so hard he can’t breathe, and for the few days after he is a happier, more relaxed version of himself

I've got a lovely image of your DS having a good laugh with his mates! My DD(15) is similar, enjoys being on her own (which I think is a very good characteristic) but benefits from a few hours with good friends. Then back to her books, work outs and Netflix

My DD 13 doesn't crave company. In normal times, she'll quite happily spend the whole of half-term/Easter holiday occupying herself with no attempt to meet up with friends. She's not an initiator, so if a friend invites her round she'll usually go along with it, but she's not keen to invite anyone round to ours. At the moment her friendship group zoom weekly, and she will occasionally meet up with one or two others. She's a bit more sociable online, with one or two friends she messages quite a bit (she is well aware of the grooming risk, and is cautious) and quite a number she does minecraft stuff with.

If your son is an introvert and your house is already busy with extended family etc then he may already be getting all the social interaction he needs/can cope with. As an introvert, having a parent who pushed social activity was torture. I was capable of making friends and socialising in my own way, but was forced into false social relationships by parents who didn’t trust I could make decisions about what I wanted and needed. As an adult, I have plenty of good friendships with people that I think I find much easier to maintain because I also have control of my own downtime. Everyone is different so my experience may not ring true for your son, but thought it might be helpful to offer an introvert perspective on this.

I think this is absolutely right, though I am not an introvert -- but I had parents who were themselves largely friendless and had some very strange and unhealthy ideas about friendships from a place of complete ignorance, and my mother in particular had some unthinking programmatic ideas about how Young People Should Be Out Doing Things, which appeared to include the rider 'Whether They Enjoy It Or Not', and a desperate, frightened desire for her children to be 'normal', as she saw it.

I respect my son's own preferences for with whom and how often he socialises -- I don't think I know better than him what he needs.

If it helps I was that teen somewhat? Loved social time but very happy on my own with no meet ups booked, too. Only child as well so no sibs to pal up with.

I'm a perfectly social adult now, but I'm happy on my own, too. I like a balance of both really. To be happy and confident in your own company is a gift we often underestimate, I think.

To be happy and confident in your own company is a gift we often underestimate, I think

I agree with this comment from @MrsToothyBitch

My teenage DS is far quieter than I would have been at his age. Sometimes, I worry that he is missing out on opportunities to socialise, but then I remind myself that we are all different

OP - if your child's demeanour has changed, I'd be concerned about that in case h'e's become more introverted due to low mood. However, if your child is naturally quiet and self-contained, then I'd be very careful of giving him subconscious messages that you consider this the wrong approach