To feel weirdly upset about ds dx dyspraxia / autism traits

[Chantelli]

I've known for ages that this is probably the problem.

Handwriting about 3 years behind, he is 10.

Seems very cold to new people, no interest in back and forth chat unless about something of specific inteterest. No imaginative play.

None problems in themselves but I can see he struggles academically and socially and I feel sad that things aren't easier for him.

Had assessment today, given verbal feedback before report.

Surprised at how weird and sad I feel about it

Sorry any advice welcomed... Just feel so very down about it.

When my son was diagnosed I wasn't surprised at all but it sort of made it all 'real'. Its not easy but give yourself time to work through your feelings. Sorry I don't have any great advice but I understand how you feel xxx

My son has autism and dyspraxia... He's 24 now.. I'm dyspraxic too... If you would like to DM me I'm happy to talk. There is an excellent dyspraxia group if you are on FB called DYSPRAXIAUK...

Me too. When my daughter was diagnosed with HFA, also at 10, I was very sad. It had taken 2 years to get to that point, so it wasn't a surprise, but I suppose it removed the last vestige of hope that they would say she was fine and would soon grow out of all her difficulties. And it's natural, I'd say, to mourn the loss of the future you wanted for your child.

However, my daughter was very pleased to get the diagnosis. She had always known she was different and now she knew why.

Once I'd got over that first sadness, I felt positive about it for that reason too. It's much easier to proffer a medical diagnosis than try to explain all sorts of difficulties your child has.

Good luck. FWIW, my daughter is 28 now and she's done well. I hope your boy will too.

If it helps, OP, I am 39, dyspraxic, autistic, and very happily married with 3 children. Made it through undergraduate degree and 1 graduate one so it is not hopeless.

And for your child, it's great you are acknowledging it and coming to terms. My parents just felt vaguely ashamed at not having a perfect DD which meant I was not diagnosed until I was 27.

This sounds like it was written about my little brother! He is very similar, he’s 24 now, has a 1st in politics and economics from Bristol uni having got 100% in his politics a level. He currently works for one of the large accountancy firms as an IT auditor and has been promoted early due to his proficiency (he has to follow to the letter regulatory guidelines - if anything is different from the guidelines he needs to flag it so being autistic he is great at spotting non compliance with the rules!!!)

He definitely struggled in primary school and secondary school socially, like you said he is quite cold but he had a small close group of 2 friends by the time he was 13/14, same when he was at university. He also really struggled in primary and secondary school with handwriting and teachers assuming he wasn’t as clever as he is. I remember my mum being fuming as they tried to make him sit foundation GCSEs as they didn’t think he could get 4Cs - he ended up with a mixture of 11As and Bs after my mum fought for him to sit the full qualifications.

His handwriting is still terrible (even worse than you mention in your post as it looks like maybe a 5 year old has written his cards/notes). This hasn’t held him back at all - he did all his exams on laptops when it came to SATs and GCSEs/A Levels and UNI. His job everything is computer based like a lot of office jobs now.

In his job people seem to take an interest in his Autism and dyspraxia and what it actually means for him day to day which is really nice.

I suppose the point of my post to hopefully reassure you that although different he will likely find his own normals and be just as successful . I think some of the things that helped him get there were definitely my mum pushing him to understand that his Autism and dyspraxia never means he can’t do something it just means he might take longer or need to do things slightly differently to get there. She was also really honest with him about the fact he was autistic which I think helped him as a teenager explain why he was different to others if they queried why he had done something different - he’s fiercely proud of it now!

Hope this is helpful in some way

Gosh thanks for the supportive posts and wonderful successes. It's made me cry in a good way I think! Will reply properly soon

My son has dyspraxia and although I was upset when we got his diagnosis as no one wants their child to struggle in any way. I think now I’m pleased we know as we have a good plan in order to help him and I’m grateful that the School Can’t complain about his messy handwriting anymore 😄.

You've done the right thing getting him assessed. My 7yo can be cold meeting new people too. I often wonder if there is some kind of autism. I can see why you are upset but I'm sure this is the worst you will be feeling and hopefully everything will get better from this point. I hope you get support you need. Like pp have said it doesn't mean he can't he successful despite a diagnosis. Good luck. Keep believing in him ! x

I think we all weep for the child we thought we'd have. Sad that our child will fight a constant battle their whole lives.
I got over that quite quickly. But even now, now and then it hits me minorly again.

Oh well, what can you do? Nothing! Just be grateful he's even here. Seriously though, with a loving caring mum, he'll always be 'ok'.

I’m the same as smileyplant. When mine was young I was sad that they faced the difficulties they did in their life. They were never invited to a birthday party until they were 9 or 10 for example. They wanted to go to a party and never understood why they were not invited and thought we could just go.

As they got older they seemed to find their slot in life. The junior years of school were very hard as they were not suited to most school subjects. However once they started to be able to choose and specialise in subjects that suited them all the angst disappeared. Similarly, in wider groups of people they found people they clicked with (all with neuro-differences but similar ‘styles’, ways of thinking, interests etc) and became genuine friends with.

Similarly, at uni, doing a course well suited and with excellent prospects they made even more genuine friends. To be honest everyone doing the course was pretty much identical . Even employers don’t seem put off as they seem to have always had a certain ‘type’ of person doing that job so don’t expect ‘typical’.

So, like the previous poster it’s to share our story of a child that we had no end of problems with and endless school meetings in primary and start of high school but a very different situation down the track. The most important thing is though, my child is now incredibly happy with their life. Career that fits like a glove, lots of genuine like-minded friends which span work interests, hobbies and sport. They are a different but amazing individual.

Im dyspraxic and have asd traits. I think its okay to find it difficult to adjust to something that initially wasnt part of the life you planned for your parents. My parents understandably wanted me to have an easy life, and like any parents were worried about dyspraxia etc making life hard. I think they would have felt the same way if i was diabetic etc. At this point of diagnosis, then its difficult sometimes to remember that your ds hasnt changed since yesterday and theres no way of telling what impact this might have on his life

My dyspraxia was much more noticable as a child, however as an adult im better at coping with it. My biggest challenge in life was always learning to drive, and it was a struggle but Ive driven now for 8 years and its the thing im proudest of. Ive got a degree and work in a professional healthcare field, and really its not something i think of on a daily basis because its just me. Dont get me wrong, its still there but i know myself and have good strategies.

When me and my partner moved in together, they were suprised at just how awkward somethings were for me, because i do "function" really well but sometimes my process is odd (eg if you watch me try and fold things, or simply how clumsy etc i am) and I've always got bruises to document the times ive miscalculated during the days. My motor planning is difficult and i also have real difficulty with organising my self, and thoughts at times.

I hope my parents would agree that my life isnt one long constant struggle, and ive got my groove now.

Thats obviously only my experience but i tend to find that all the areas you struggle with are really highlighted by the school process, but as an adult you get to chose what works for you, find your people and things look a bit smoother.

You've said traits of autism? Although you a reeling at the moment, I would push for a full diagnosis not just 'traits'. It will open more doors to support should you need it in the future.

My 9yo got his dyspraxia and dyslexia diagnoses last summer then the autism diagnosis shortly before Christmas. The dyslexia was bloody obvious by y1 when an intelligent 6yo was struggling to read and write and jumbling things all over. At routine eye tests, he would read the letters on the boardfrom the line and surrounding lines. I became suspicious that there was more when the SATs triggered a vile summer of meltdowns, some lasting 3-4 hours.

When he was diagnosed I cried with relief that it had been taken seriously as he's a masker who manages to fit... I just get the flack at home after. School don't see it.

I adore him as the person that he is. If I had a magic wand, I'd wave away his frustrations and make some of his challenges easier, but I wouldn't fundamentally change him. He's a great person. I'm not even sure what it was that made me cry. Understanding why I found certain phases like the toddler years (10m to 5y) so tough?

I suspect two of his uncles are on the spectrum (a cousin has similar diagnosis which helped) and they're very successful in technical industries, and happily married with families so I don't have worries in that kind of department.

It was more the formal acknowlegement that some things will always be a challenge that others take for granted.

With Christmas, I was still wrapping my head around it by the time lockdown came, so I haven't got my head fully around EHCPs as the agencies all shut down then. I am now concerned about secondary transition as he enters y5 and the system is still disrupted. The local comp does not have the best reputation on SEN/ pastoral care which he needs as well as being gently pushed.

I explained it to him on the way home from the diagnosis that autism is like the difference between driving your own car that you're used to and can do without thinking about it (NT) compared with getting into someone else's car where the controls are different so you have to put more effort into thinking about things like changing gear and how hard to press the pedals on top of driving as usual and it's more effort for the brain. It's not that autism necessarily stops him from doing things, but it's that it costs more effort.

We are both happier for the diagnosis, and he appreciates understanding why he feels out of sync with people like his classmates.

I think what you're experiencing is very common. It is almost a grief for what might have been. However, it doesn't change who he is or anything. He's still your ds, still who he was the day before. But this way he can get the help and support he needs so he won't be as frustrated or held back from achieving what he wants.
There is good support out there for dyspraxia and many things which can be done to help them in their studies.
The traits of Autism is a strange diagnosis. Was that done by an Education psychologist? I would see if you can get a clearer diagnosis as the clearer it is, the easier it is to find the right support.

My son is dyspraxic and dyslexic. He struggled at primary school and managed better at secondary school. One of the happiest moments of my life was when he achieved a first class honours degree.
Sport has been a constant for him and has kept him very focused and disciplined, a major reason for him getting a 1st.
He's very unique in a good way but I really do remember the frustration of primary school, particularly the teacher who insisted on giving him wordsearches as part of his homework every night.
Sport gave him the friendships and support, enabling him to be quite confident.

I strongly suspect I have undiagnosed dyspraxia. I thought it was all perfectly normal until I had children (who show traits as well, we were at the very beginning of medical investigations when covid happened) and realised that other children were different.

Honestly, the only effect it has had on my life was that I couldn’t figure out how to drive a manual car. Just couldn’t do it. But apart from that it was all fine eventually. Yes I was a bit behind socially and co-ordination wise for a long time (my hand writing was utterly crap until I hit puberty and I still fall over at random sometimes) but I excelled academically, have had many meaningful relationships (both romantic and platonic), have built a successful career and so on. I basically have a perfect life (or as close to perfect as it realistically gets). It’s just a label for many people. There are so many adults around who would have been diagnosed with either or both if they’d been born in the past ten years.