To ask if I am a terrible mother?!

[Blueskysunsout]

Long and short of it;

Left dv 5 years ago and now have a new partner am very happy. However since a restraining order on ex expired 3 years ago I’ve had nothing but hassle. All things I’ve contacted the police scout but not law breaking so no action ever taking. Just intimidation/annoying/awkward behaviour from him.
Whilst I’ve moved on and am happy he has been through a constant stream of partners and has his next one lined up before dumping the last. (This info is from my two teenage dc)
However he has constantly belittled me and undermined me to the kids (dd 16 and ds14) my so. Takes it with a pinch of salt. My dad believes his every word. All things about how I cheated on him (I didn’t- he cheated on me several times) how I annoyed him that much he had no but to lash out so I deserved a slap. How he has a book of the facts that he will give the kids when they are 18.
My dd is really hard work just now. She refused to do any schoolwork during lockdown. She lied and went and met a boy. She is now in a relationship with this boy. He is 17 and she won’t tell me where he lives. She is very cheeky to me, ignores curfew times ( she is 16 next week) ied to me, has sold one of my possessions to the value of around £80. But she is also coming home reeling of weed. She won’t talk to me. I’ve tried being calm, shouting, texting her to tell her how I feel but she just walks off and goes to stay at her dads.
I know he’s told her I am a control freak, a bully, domineering. Because I was like that with him apparently (True to an extent - I begged him to stop contact with a girl he met at a three month training course put up in a hotel with the whole team but he kept in touch with her for 2 years after, there was texts offering underwear pics etc from her)

My daughter is constantly causing issues at the house and is acting like her father to me

Tonight I told her if she doesn’t get my item back from her weed drug dealer bf (I know he is I seen messages adeom him to her confirming this) I would be contacting the police. She kicked off and started hitting me and threatened to vandalise my car. She lap punched my partner and my son.
I told her to leave and never come back.

My extra husband has been pulling the strings here telling her her behaviour is fine and a puff of weed is nothing. That I am a bitch. If he has created this atmosphere in my home
Giving me no authority over her the.He can live with her behaviour. Am I right? Or should I be more sympathetic!

I’ve had a really tough few years rebuilding my life. I ah e no energy mentally or physically to deal with this.
What advice can I have that will help?

Am I really a bad person her to go? Would you have done the same?

My DD believes his every word not my dad.

Extra husband is obv ex husband 😂

I think, hard as it is, you need to let her go and find out for herself what he’s like. Shell understand eventually, but fighting her on it now probably won’t get through. 16 year olds are fickle beasts, the know everything and you know nothing so you won’t win. Just continue to love her and make sure she knows she is welcome back when she is prepared to behave like the adult she clearly thinks she is. However, she does need to know that assaulting people and stealing belongings have consequences.

What a manipulative bastard he is, putting you down and all the while telling your daughter what she wants to hear.
OP, you are not a bad person or a bad mum. Your daughter's behavioural issues are down to him.
I would tell her that you love her deeply, but that the current situation is impossible. Reassure her that you will always be there for her, and that your door always open, IF she can behave like a reasonable adult.
Your exhaustion really comes across in your post. You need to look after yourself too, or you'll be of no use to anyone

@Justnotfeelingit the problem is as much as I’d love my old dd back This new version of her is not welcome at any point.
Her dad has won - he has turned her against me and I don’t think I’ll ever get her back.

You aren't a terrible mother.

While I understand you are at the end of your tether, this plan really depends on whether you think your dad would be safe with her dad.

*whether your dd would be safe with her dad.

@eatsleepread I will text her some of what you said. I can’t even compose a message to her as I can’t think reasonably. I called parentline yesterday and they told me to have a calm conversation with her. I tried to and she said repetitive don’t want to talk about this (the concerns I have about the bf) and then stood
up and walked out. I feel like I’ve lost my daughter forever. As long as she stays with her dad it’s more time to poison her against me. But at the same time I can’t have her in my home.

Sorry to hear you're going through this OP. His book of facts really jumped out of your post. My ex has a dossier if hate that he's going to give DD when I die 🙄 Makes you realise how similar abusive men are. Hope things work out with your daughter

@Stompythedinosaur she won’t be safe with him. He wo r be violent to her. She will be unsafe to the extent that there will be no curfew. She will be possibly developing a weed smoking habit. He won’t ensure she attends school when they go back. He is a friend rather than a parent. This is destructive towards my daughter but he does t bother about that as long as it causes me upset and she favours him as he is the cool parent. He was always like that.
Once when she was little I was telling her off and she said “don’t shout at me I’ll tell daddy and you’ll get punched” 😭

@omg35 dad isn’t it. It’s only going to cause upset to the children. And for what??

To let them feel like they've won I guess? Who knows? Your ex sounds as vile as mine

The thing is she’s 16 and knows your ex beat you but still wants him over you because that’s the lifestyle she wants. Your only choice at this point is either to accept her warts and all (including the drug use) or kick her out and let her dad deal with it (possibly setting her on the course for worse drug use in the future).

If she were older I would definitely be encouraging you to kick her out. But she’s only 16, she could turn this around.

The first thing I would do is try and sit her at the table and find out how much she owes her dealer - don’t include your partner, this is a chat between you and her. Tell her you will try to pay him off if possible and see how she reacts.

I think the only way to play this game now is to be the secure, reliable, caring parent AND the fun parent. You must figure out a way to Outplay your ex for your kids love / respect.

@GrumpyHoonMain. She didn’t owe a dealer. Her bf is a user of weed and she’s given him something of mine (My old iPhone) to use whilst his is broken. I won’t get it back.
She got incredibly defensive when I said I’d call the police. She is infatuated and totally under gist boys control. Her dad says to just support her and tell her we will be there to support her (I agree) but he’s also told her I’m on a mission to get the bf in trouble and I can’t tell her what to do as she is now an adult.

(I am quite drunk, so everything I'm about to write might be rubbish)
But I have an 18 yr old and I run parenting courses. (no abusive ex though, so no experience with that).

I'd say, ignoring everything about your clearly cuntish ex, as a parent, what's the most important stuff here about your daughter?

Issues are:
Vile to you
Weed smoking
Cheek/disrespect/rule breaking
Stealing
Violence (towards you)
Risk (of violence to her) from her dad
Potentially missing school.

Have I missed anything out?

Which of those worries you THE MOST?

She needs to know you love her. She needs to know she's safe with you. She needs to know some behaviours are not acceptable. She needs to be safe.
(I'm beginning to realize what is jumping out at me, but this isn't about me).

Not trying to be wussy about this, but I'd take her out for a something (is she too old for a hot chocolate in a cafe) and have a conversation with her, focussing on what is top of your list.

For me, it would be about a risk to her from her dad. So I'd be having a conversation with her focussed around "you can go and live with your dad if you want to, but you're old enough to need to do this with your eyes open, and here's what you do if it goes wrong".

I'm a STRONG believer in consequences to actions. So - if you don't do school work, you WILL let yourself down with your exam results, etc.
But don't make this about you, make it about her.

This is a tough time and I do sympathise. Your story is very familiar to me! After I left my violent ex H he had strings of women with chaotic family lives, he had been unfaithful to me multiple times while married and even threatened to "tell the boys everything when they're 18!" (about what I'll never know) and was very unreliable to our sons. Anyway, 5 years post divorce ex H suddenly decided he wanted my eldest DS (14 at time) to stay with him after years of ambivalence. He worked on my son and within weeks he was behaving terribly at school, became unmanageable by me and was rude to my DPs. Then on one contact visit, his father refused to return him. We had to go through family courts for an emergency order. My son behaved even more terribly after. The courts negotiated a sensible transition to his father's (my ex H) over a year afterwards. I really struggled with worry initially but it transpired to be a positive move for our relationship (mine and DS's). He looked forward to his visits to us and became loving and appreciative again.

I know your situation is a little different in that you've told her to go to his and you did so in anger (understandably in the circs), but the point of my story is that it isn't such a bad idea. I would let dust settle and then calmly tell her the move is an option, that staying with her current attitude and behaviour isn't and that if she does go and decides it was a mistake, she can come home. Whether her move is a positive one or it isn't (but gives her a new appreciation of the home you have provided) it will be better than your home being a battleground.

I hope you all manage to steer a clear course through this choppy water. Best of luck.

[quote Blueskysunsout]@GrumpyHoonMain. She didn’t owe a dealer. Her bf is a user of weed and she’s given him something of mine (My old iPhone) to use whilst his is broken. I won’t get it back.
She got incredibly defensive when I said I’d call the police. She is infatuated and totally under gist boys control. Her dad says to just support her and tell her we will be there to support her (I agree) but he’s also told her I’m on a mission to get the bf in trouble and I can’t tell her what to do as she is now an adult.[/quote]
So prove him wrong. Be extra nice to the boyfriend and your daughter. Tell her you want her to be happy and are willing to give him a chance. Invite him for dinner. If you treat them (and in particular him) well with respect you may open up communication with her.

Oh that all sounds really hard. you are most definitely not a terrible mother.

XXXXXXXXXX

I feel for you both in this. No you shouldn't have to put up with her behaviour but she was raised in the violent home so that's bound to have damaged her.
You say you've spent the last few years rebuilding your life but what about the kids lives? Have they had an support for what they went through?

@user1471457751
I had a lot of support from a women’s worker. The kids were offered counselling but they refused to attend. I was given lots of advise and spoke to them both regularly about things. My dd is very award and has helped friends with similar situations or dv but teen abusive boys.
My dd is currently waiting on meetings with the women’s worker as she agreed to this several mo the ago bit with lockdown it’s not happened. I’m afraid that with this new attitude she may decline it when her turn comes.
She said she knows her dad is lying but he makes it sound real. Just like I do when I talk to her but I’ve said that’s because I am real.

Let her have a bit of time with her dad, she'll come around in time. You haven't lost her, kids do swing back and forth with their affections.

I say let her go. You can't and should have to live like that.

I do think she'll recognise him for what he actually is if she spends more time with him.