To ask about PND.

[Notthisagainfgs]

Basically, I feel I have PND.

Its been a long time, trying to push it to the side. Feeling like I'm not, its not PND, I'm just tired.

But, im unsure now.

Basically, I need help. I know i do. But, im really fucking scared to ask for it.

I was under child protection while I was little, in and out of care, rough relationship with my mother. Lots of back story.

Im scared, if i seek help, they will take my daughter due to my complex past. I know deep down this is an silly thought, but it terrifies me to have SS involved. Not because I abuse or neglect my daughter, that's not the case in the slightest. I love DD with all of my heart and would never ever harm her.

I just don't feel myself. I'm constantly worrying or feeling like I'm spaced out, some days, I struggle to get out of bed between naps etc.

My DP just doesn't understand at all. He cares, but had a great childhood, great mum relationship, never really struggled with depression and never experienced anything I did as a child.

So, when he asks whats wrong and honestly, I can't even explain it, he says how can I be upset when there's nothing to be upset about.

I feel so out of connection with myself and others around me, the only real feeling I feel is love towards DD.

Someone asks if I'm okay and if I'm dealing with DD okay or anything about motherhood and I just can't look at them in the face.

Ive lost a significant amount of weight (had BT done and everything's come back OK) I struggle to eat, i just feel sick. I'm EBF my daughter, she's 7 months, loves real food also so she eats that also.

Im not sure where I'm going here but

Has anyone here had PND (obviously, this is a dumb question) what were your symptoms?

Anyone who has, did you ever have SS involvement as a child? Did they come and check over?

If you seeked help, how did this go?

How did you explain this to others?

How did you over come PND while having a baby and in general life?

Im due to start a new job soon and tbf I'm unsure I'm even fit to do so but don't want to let anyone down.

I just don't know how I feel or how I'm supposed to feel and again, I'm not even sure what the purpose of this, more so to just know I'm not alone because although I have support I feel so.

My DP's family are worried about me, they've obviously noticed and that scares me because I haven't even noticed.

I apologise if this is on the wrong subthread and I know I'll probably get some negative or harsh comments due to this being AIBU.

You won't get any negative or harsh comments from us, you are obviously upset and if you're struggling we are here to help you, you can always report your post and ask MN to move it to the health section if that is worrying you. Do you feel you would benefit from having a talk with your g.p. That might be the first step to take, they will listen to you and help you, have you seen the health visitor since the birth of your dd?

@DoingDiddlySquat Thank you - deep down, I know I should talk to my GP, but I'm really scared about the reprocussions this may have i.e social services etc.

I saw my HV at 8 weeks PP who stated she had no concerns about me after filling in a questionnaire regarding PND and the liklihood of me getting it was slim so she discharged us immediately after that and said she thought I was more than capable but at the minute, I don't feel like I am.

What sort of help is out there regarding this? Surely if it was PND it would of shown months ago?

Would you like me to post you some information that I found on PND for you to read.

I had PND and anxiety with both my babies! Because of my depression with my first baby, I had a mental health worker throughout my second pregnancy. (I requested this) Speak to your health visitor and get refereed. Honestly, it makes the world of difference. Just TALKING to someone objective will make you feel better.. you are not alone at all. You need support and it has been such an isolating time for everybody, let alone mummies with young children/babies! !!!

Reach out - you will NOT regret it. There is help out there xxxxx

Social services wouldn't be involved!! Please rest assured xxx

www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/im-pregnant/mental-wellbeing/specific-mental-health-conditions/postnatal-depression-pnd
www.nhs.uk/conditions/post-natal-depression/

Thank you @DoingDiddlySquat I'll look into that now. I appreciate you looking for me.

@alphabetsoup1980 Thank you for your honesty! Did you feel like this? I feel like talking to someone totally impartial may help, would I be able to do this without needing to really go in depth to a HV/GP? I promised myself I wouldn't get like this nor feel like I had PND but maybe I just need to be honest with myself for not only my sake but my DD and DP. That is definitely my main concern, again, not because I'm scared they would feel she is being abused or neglected but more so the fact that my past will put a dampner on the whole situation and automatically deem me an unfit mother without any real chance

Hi OP. I will try to post in more detail later, but please do not be afraid to see your GP. it is best addressed now, don't do what I did and ignore the issue as it can make your health worse. I found that out the hard way. X

I had pnd with my daughter, I didn't seek help until she was 8 months old.
I felt so disconnected from everything. I loved her so much I just felt like I was forever failing her.

I'd take her to baby groups, couldn't bring myself to speak to other mums,
I felt so isolated and then walk back home crying.
I was really worried that when I reached out the drs would think it was because I hadnt connected with her or that I was a danger to her.

But they were amazing, no social services involved but I hadnt been involved with them before.

I started anti depressants and CBT,
Currently pregnant again and just started my tablets again last week. Feel a bit like I've let this baby down too by struggling before he's even got here, but I think it's best for when he does I'll be in a better stronger place

Please don't be afraid of reaching out
My GP did say the postnatal period actually lasts 2 years, so definitely not too late for pnd x

I finally sought help for my pnd when they were 8 months. On the surface of it, I was keeping it together, answering questions of how it is with a breezy it’s all fine, they’re easy babies but on the inside I was a mess. I felt unbounded with my babies (I knew I loved them I just didn’t feel It, and most days were going through the motions whilst dreading the next round of feeding/changing etc.

I was terrified of SS (previous mild MH issues) and was convinced they were going to say I was a danger to my babies and take them away, so before I saw the GP I devised a plan of how they’d be cared for if I was basically deleted myself from their life. Sounds ridiculous to say that now, but it was a real terror at the time. My GP was lovely, prescribed me setraline, reassured me she wasn’t even going to think of SS as she could see the babies were happy, healthy, loved and thriving, and said that I was a good mum.

I spent a few months adjusting my dosage to hit the right level, but within a couple of weeks of starting the ads the world became colour again and I felt LOVE for the babies. My DD didn’t hate me, she loved me. I wasn’t a terrible mother, I just had a chemical imbalance and I was working to fix it, and I started to positively look forward to seeing them when they woke up.

I don’t really talk about my PND in real life much, but am open and tell people I have it (just not the nitty gritty). If I have to explain it I just say it’s chemical imbalance in my brain caused by the massive do over my hormones had with ivf and birthing twins. I’ve nothing to be ashamed of, and with my crushing anxiety being kept at bay I don’t really care that much if people judge me for it. I am a good mum, I’m not perfect but I’m doing my bloody best and the kids are great.

Please seek help if you feel you need it, reach out irl or on here. There’s nothing to be ashamed of, and nobody wants to take your baby away from you.

You aren’t alone 💐

I felt very similarly!!! I was terrified they would find out and take child away.
I had no actual misdemeanour that would be “found out”, and “they” were basically ANYONE, but I was really on edge and “best behaviour” whenever I went out to baby groups or HV came round.
Looking back now I can’t really explain why I felt like that. I didn’t have any previous SS dealings. I didn’t really think I was a worse mother than anyone else: I knew I made mistakes but no worse than other people.

The only difference to what you’ve written is that I didn’t think I was too fussed on baby: I could see she was a cute wee thing and looked after her. But didn’t think I had that overwhelming maternal thing that you’re “supposed” to have.

I didn’t feel that way for as long as you have, it sort of receded gradually for me. I didn’t seek help or tell anyone at all how I felt, I was too worried that it would lead to “them” taking the baby from me. I think it’s possibly more common than is realised. Wildly illogical.

I had - and continue to have PND - and for me, I can only describe it as a feeling of complete emptiness, and living beneath a cloudy darkness that I felt I just couldn't justify. I had no reason to feel like that, so I found it very hard to accept at first, but I had an amazing GP who immediately reassured me that this was a) partly chemical imbalance and b) completely treatable and that c) she would support me in whatever way I needed.

I ended up using a combo of medication, CBT and talking therapies and it's been life changing. There are tough days but the very first step is seeking help. This is a very very well-understood condition and finding the right help will make the world of difference, and there is no need to worry about your past - it's simply not a factor in why you're feeling this way.

If you have a GP you trust and feel you can talk to, that's your first point of contact. If you don't, find one. Change surgery. Talk to your HV to find support. Ask your partner if he can come with you or to research the condition. PND is real and has nothing to do with 'you have nothing to be upset about'. It's unpredictable and can affect ANYONE.

You can get through this and I promise you, there is light at the end of this tunnel, and it's gloriously bright xxxxx

Like you I was so afraid to seek help because I thought SS would be involved and if I told the truth about how I really felt I'd be deemed an unfit mother. To give a bit of honesty and context of how bad I was and why I thought in my head I was unfit : I was suicidal and accused my then OH of trying to steal the baby one day when he was bringing him to visit grandparents , threatened to call the police. I was completely lost and didn't know why I felt the way I did. I used to lie on all those forms they'd get you to complete and state I was fine. When in fact was an actual mess. Then one day I don't know what come over me but I had a "fuck it " moment and told the truth. My health visitor referred me to my GP who was amazing. I was prescribed medication and it really helped.
You may get offered counselling or medication or a combination of both. But please don't wait. My child was 9 months before I sought help. I really wish I'd have done it sooner.

@Trailing1 Thank you so much, I'd love to hear more if possible ☺️ Yes, I definitely, think I'll be making a call in the coming days.

@ShyOwl Thank you so much for your honesty and response. This is exactly how I feel, like I'm failing her and DP. I also feel very disconnected by everything at the minute. We have an amazing connection and bond, she is such a happy girl who is absolutely thriving so I know that deep down I am doing/trying my hardest for her.

You seem like such a, fantastic mother who is doing the hardest and best she can for her DC, PND or not! Seeking help isn't a sign of weakness if anything it's a sign of strength so well done you ❤️ i wish you all the best for your new baby 💐

@MuchTooTired Thank you so much for your truthfulness. Yiu sound like an incredibly strong mother, amazing you seeked help and found it! I'm glad there was an amazing lighy at the end of the tunnel and you found something that helped you! I think that's my main concern, given my history as a child but I keep telling myself, if they wanted to be involved or were concerned they would of been involved from the get go and wanted to make an assessment from there.

My mother had anither baby in the past few years, after 3 of us taken away from here. She obviously wasn't allowed to keep him but this was after proving she wasn't capable after being in a mother and baby unit so I think this plays on my mind an awful lot. As much as I hate knowing others have felt similarly to myself, it's nice to know I'm nto alone. Again, thank you. I hope you and your babies are now having a healthy, amazing life 💜

@Saz12 Thank you 💐

Its a horrible feeling isn't it, not truly knowing what's going on or how you feel but, being scared to talk about it because someone may take your darling baby away.

Unfortunately, we haven't been able to attend many baby groups, health visiting session, weigh in etc, maybe this may be something that is hindering me in being able to move forward or is adding to the chaos in my mind.

Im sorry you felt like that towards you baby, I suppose, everyone feels differently with PND or any type of depression in fact! That's one thing I definitely know is I have ever so much love for her, I couldn't be without her now and I think that's the scary part! And from reading your message so did you (not wanting to act like I know you!) since you felt the same regarding baby not being able to stay with you.

When she was first born and the coming months before lockdown, I felt amazing, I had so much confidence, I had this beautiful baby who made me feel so proud. Since lockdown, I feel like I've reclused in myself, I use her as a shield as such for talking to people, I don't give them eye contact I use the 'us' more than 'me' so yes 'we are fine, she's doing great' rather than addressing the real matter at hand, it's definitely snuck up on me the past few months.

Im glad to hear you found relief 💐

@Cananyoneelseseethis Thank yiu for your reply 💐

Yes, you and GP are totally right in the scentific way regarding PND. I felt so ashamed yesterday after finally admitting to myself and my DP something was wrong but he has actually been really supportive and caring regarding it.

Im ideally, not wanting any medication, just because I've been on antidepressants before and felt no real sensation of emotions and when I did, they were very strong to the extremes.

How did your counselling go? I'm worried due to covid there won't be much support in place at the moment in time.

Definitely understand how understood it is, and, how common it is for mothers to get it. Just, hard to accept it's happening to you! That does make me feel a lot better though, so thank you for your great explanation of it and talking me through it.

DP initally really did not understand it, he was so frustrated that I was so upset for no reason but I don't think he really took the time to research and look into it properly. We had a really good chat last night, initially over text as I struggle to get my words out at first, he did research into it, how to help, am I depressed, what to do, how to give the right support, so I'm hoping we can work thorough it together as a family.

Your words have really touched me, especially that last sentence. I can do this. I'm stronger than I think adn seeking support is an amazing thing to do, it doesn't show I'm weak, I'm strong enough to ask for help. Thank you 💐 I can't wait to get to the end of the tunnel and think back to your kind words 💜

Oh @flowerpot99 I'm ever so sorry to hear you, felt that way. What a challenging, dark time it must of been for you. I'm so glad you managed to seej help and find a way to get yourself back to yourself before it was too late and the people around you were supportive 💐

Ideally just looking for someone impartial to talk to at the minute, hoping that, that may get me in some way a positive step forward into dealing with it myself so I do not need medication. Thank you and I hope you are enjoying your life with DF 💜