Employer runs hot and cold

[Randomname85]

AIBU to overthink this? I’ve just gone on maternity leave from a company I have been working with for 6+ months. One of the people I am working with/for brought me onboard which I was very grateful for. Problem is she runs really hot and cold and it’s actually starting to affect my mental health a bit! One minute she’s super nice and chatty, asking about the baby, saying she doesn’t know how she’ll cope when I go on maternity leave and the next she barely wants to engage with me - ignores emails, one word answers. On my last day before maternity I said that I was enjoying working with her again and thanked her and she didn’t even say goodbye 🧐 it’s definitely just with me as well, in the next breath she’ll be really lovely to someone else.

I love my job and the team I work with, I’m due to go back in 6 months, but this hot and cold stuff I find really toxic - constantly trying to guess if I’ve done something wrong - wracking my brains. Makes me feel really insecure.

Anyone else had this and have any tips?

It gets to you because you let it get to you.
You need to recognise that work is where you are professional and have colleagues not friends.

Your friends are people you chose to spend time with, to share aspects of your life.

Your colleagues are people who, by chance, you end up working with. However well you get on with them, remember they will always do what is best for themselves.

To add...before anyone suggest issues with maternity leave, I’m a contractor so am self employed/am not getting paid for time off.

Thanks @StripeyDeckchair - I definitely see where you’re coming from however I have no interest in being friends - but I work closely with her and sometimes don’t really know if I’m actually doing a good job or not by her reactions. Friends have said to me they wouldn’t keep my contract going if I hadn’t been and I guess that keeps me going but it doesn’t do good really for confidence!

Bumping back up the grid!!

You say she doesn’t want to engage - ignores emails, one word answers; this is probably because she’s very busy at that time.

I think you’re looking too much into it and overthinking it.

@heartsonacake

You say she doesn’t want to engage - ignores emails, one word answers; this is probably because she’s very busy at that time.

I think you’re looking too much into it and overthinking it.

I second this! My workload is a huge factor in how much/little I can chat at work.

I was probably seen as a little "stand-offish" yesterday, but it was one of those days where nothing at all seemed to be able to happen without me having to be involved in it

All day, my phone was either ringing or I had someone at my desk "just wanting to run this past you before I go ahead." It was very much a one word answer day yesterday or I'd have got nothing at all done!

Thank you I appreciate those responses! It’s not unheard of for me to overthink things 😏 but I think it’s extremely odd she didn’t even say goodbye to me on my last day. Like almost avoided it entirely, really strange.

but I think it’s extremely odd she didn’t even say goodbye to me on my last day. Like almost avoided it entirely, really strange.

She probably forgot. I have friends at work that went on holiday today; they’d been talking about it for months and all day, yet I completely forgot to tell them to have a good trip when I left. It just slipped my mind.

You can’t expect people to remember everything going on in your life.

@heartsonacake

but I think it’s extremely odd she didn’t even say goodbye to me on my last day. Like almost avoided it entirely, really strange.

She probably forgot. I have friends at work that went on holiday today; they’d been talking about it for months and all day, yet I completely forgot to tell them to have a good trip when I left. It just slipped my mind.

You can’t expect people to remember everything going on in your life.

No of course! But I work into her, everyone else was saying goodbye while she was there 😂 as mentioned in the OP I sent a note to say I was really happy to be working with her again and see her in 6 months etc - she read it and never replied. Of course there are a million reasons why - she might have been having an awful day but to just not say anything at all, surely that would make anyone feel a bit uneasy?! No?

I'm also a bit of a over-thinker. I think she probably is blowing hot and cold as opposed to being busy etc.

However, I think it's probably just one of those selfish personality traits that some people have. I would tie myself up in knots over it and they wouldn't think twice about it or even realise they are doing it.

Much easier said then done but try not to let it bother you!

@Randomname85 from what you’ve said she does sound quite moody and a bit odd. It is entirely possible that she is being weird and you are personally getting the brunt of it - people who are like that often single out one person for this type of treatment. If you find her toxic to work with and it’s making you feel so uncomfortable maybe maternity leave is a good time for you to have a clean break and go somewhere you aren’t being made to feel uncomfortable. Not fair of course but you may have to accept there’s nothing you can do about it unfortunately.