Family member taking advantage.... Are *we* being unreasonable?

[JustcallmeMAT]

Regular here with a name change for personal reasons

Story goes like this > Dh has a cousin. She is 16. She has a 7month old child. She still lives at home with her parents & her boyfriend has moved in too.

She decided at the beginning of summer she was going to go back to college after the summer. So she had all summer to arrange childcare for her child.

She didn't do this. She went & registered at college & they told her she was entitled to get her childcare paid for her. She then went to find a nursery/creche/childminder for the child.

Her mum works full time & so does her boyfriend, but she got the child into a nursery not too far away. Anyway, she needed forms etc filling in from college & so she left the forms in a month ago! She still hasn't got them back & her child still hasn't started at nursery.

Instead the care is shared between myself & my SIL. Now I have a job & my SIL has a job also. I am only off 2 days a week (and on these days off I am supposed to be studying for a course I am doing). SIL is also only off 2 days a week (And she has a part time business she runs from home on those 2 days).

The thing is, we are starting to feel like we are being taken advantage of. If cousin had to pay someone to mind her child when she was at college I bet you she would have sorted the forms out at the very beginning. But, as it is, myself or SIL don't want paid/never been offered but that's beside the point. So we share him 4 days a week & on the other day, cousin is off college.

But we have just realised that she is taking us for fools. Child is left at my house in pyjamas & not fed, whilst mum swans off in full make up & the best of clothes. Same as when SIL is minding him. She is told not to leave him homw until 6pm when it has came to our knowledge that cousin in home at 3pm

Anyway, thing is... her dad told us he had offered to pay the nursery until her forms were filled out & sorted but she said no as she would have to pick him up straight after college... this way we have him until very late in the evenings & she has very little to do with him.

I don't to leave her stuck but at the same time, I feel like a mug.

WWYD?

Were we ever that young and oblivious? I'm looking after the child of a student at uni, who is my much loved neice. Young people seemso unaware of the lives of other people or how the world and social niceties work.

I live near a FE college and apparently it's possible to fet a buggy off a bus without anyone between you and the door moving aside!! They are so shocked when asked to move.

Do you think this generation is so caught up in their own worlds that they don't value social interaction with people outside their peer group? I'm a youth worker so have no inherent dislike of the young, or any 'AAh, it weren't like that in my day tendencies' but........

Sorry, no help with your dilemma. Put your foot down, ask to meet with parents and grandparents too, and tell her to contact college as she will not be getting anymore free childcare from you and SIL; does she realise you usually have to contribute to childcare costs (though this may not apply because of her youth).

Totally agree with everyone else. This girl does not have the right to hide behind excuses of shyness. This is her child's welfare and her parents have got to stop sheilding her from the reality of her life as a young mum, especially when people have been so willing to help out of the kindness of their hearts.

It really isn't fair on the baby either. He needs some continuity and routine. Babies of that age need to form a close attachment to someone. I doubt this person is his mother.

I know it's difficult in these family situations and rocking the boat can be hard but you can insist on this discussion in a kindly but firm way. Explain to Granny that you want to speak to her daughter (and her possibly, together) and why. SIL too. It's not JUST about the advantage being taken of you and your SIL.. it's about the wellbeing of the baby too. It's really very very important that it gets sorted even if it's a bit cringeable instigating this discussion.

Where does DH fit into all this? Is he backing you up? He should be seeing as all this childcare so far has fallen to you.

I've just realised that "Granny" may well only be thirty-something herself! I'd freak if at someone referring to me as Granny...

I feel sorry for the child. With a 'child' for a mother who clearly does not want the responsibility of a baby herself. Its really difficult because you gotta nip in the bud - even if it means giving her a hand getting forms back from college and completing the whole procedure for her. Shes gotta learn that life does not run like this. You are being taken advantage of.

Just catching up with all the posts. Thanks everyone for replying.

Martyrdom doesn't come into it at all, I feel sorry for the child & at least if he is with me I know he is being looked after.

Her dad offered to pay the childcare for her & she said no as she said she didn't want to take advantage of him [ironic emoticon]

Dh hasn't really got an opinion one way or another. He does say that if it keeps going on I will have to say something, as I am not a registered childminder. I am also afraid of some of the mums at the school thinking I am childminding on the side & reporting me for something when I'm not doing anything wrong!

The gran is 41. And she & grandad are away at a family wedding abroad this week. Yesterday the gran rang from abroad to ask SIL to mind baby today.

And as dh works with the baby's uncle, he asked dh today if I would mind baby tomorrow... all very strange & odd I know. I don't think I can do this much longer, infact I made dh text her uncle my mobile number & asked her to call me. when she calls me I will ask her how long this is going to go on for & if she wants me to contact the college on her behalf.

I am afraid of her having to quit college & the baby getting the blame.

I also am aware that some of her behaviour is incredibly strange, even for a teenager.. so I wonder if perhaps she has some kind of PND & doesn't need just "chill out time" but might need actual help coming to terms with the fact she has a small child to look after.

You are a total saint. i would never have agreed to have this child in the first place. Not on a regular basis anyway.

The cousin should know that if she & bf don't want to take responsibility for this child they can give him/her away for adoption. Much better in the long run than child growing up feeling unwanted. Which her present behaviour implies.

I think you would be perfectly in order talking to the grandmother of the baby. The mother of the baby is still a minor, living in her parental home. You and your SIL could ask the mother whether you could jointly approach the girl's HV because you think she perhaps needs some counselling.

But you must stop carrying the childminding responsibility. It is not fair on you or good for anybody, least of all the baby, even if it has been done with the best intentions.

She called me earlier on & I said I would have the baby tomorrow but between now & next week she needs to get the college to sort out her forms.

I said I didn't mind having the baby this week & that I would help her as much as I can, but not so much that it starts to interferes with my own childrens lives.

I then said I would drop baby around to her when she finishes college & she said no, it would be handier if the child's dad lifted him when he finished work.

I really do think she is afraid of being alone with him. I remember visiting just after baby was born & it was the dad who was settling baby etc... the mum didn't seem to be interested.

I feel really bad for saying these things about her, I don't mean her any harm, it's just she has never had to accept responsibility before & now she has had it thrust on her iykwim.

When SIL & I tried to tell MIL we were finding it too much, MIL glared at us & told us "Well, aren't you lucky you never had an accident in all your years running with fellas" & now SIL feels as if her mum is pressuring her to have the baby even when she doesn't have the time to look after him properly.

While I realise she is the childs mother, maybe there is no bond?? Maybe she does have PND. Sad state of affairs but she is a child herself. Pity she is not getting more support from home.

JCAMM I was a 'granny' at 37 (and yes hated granny, didnt mind nanny [grrin]

The mother was 15 DS (the father) was 4 days pat 17, and I ended up looking after DGD as Mumwas suppose to go back to school, she never did,and to be honest never really did much with DGD, we have brought her up most of her 11 years.

Ds and teh mother had split up before she knew she was pg, so the mother wouldnt really talk to me.

Most of my talking was to the other grandmother, this went on for yeasr, andnow still have to do most of the talking to her now partner, cos either the mother avoids me or says what she thinks I want to hear and then texts later to say the arrangements which have been made she cant keep, for whatever reasons (which are usually untruthful) or just dosnt turm up for things ie when I went to see her to come to parents evening with me, said yes sure she would come, then text tem mins before I picked her up to say she couldnt make it, on asking her partner later what came up, was told that I had cancelled!!!

Please dont get into the situation find now.

Shosha. I fear that most of the communicating that has been done regarding the baby has been done with granny. The child's other gran is the same, I wonder if it is a mixture of the parents being so young when they conceived & the fact that the dad is an only child.

Even the HV calls the granny as it was she who has sorted everything out.

She said she give her options when she told her she was PG, but considering that she was well over half way there when she told her, there wasn't much left to do.

I told the child's granny a few weeks ago that she needed to let go & let her stand on her own two feet. She is the only daughter (2 brothers) & has never had to do anything, not even a load of washing.

I think the fact that her mum was a single parent for much of her life is swaying her to help her dd out as much as possible.

Her brother told dh that she could have gotten a house when PG but she decided against it as she didn't want to leave her mum, but dh & I think it's because she just wouldn't know what to do on her own.

What a sad state of affairs.

Your story could be ours, DGds mother nohas two other children, and still dosnt manage any better, in fact with the last one she never told anybody she was pg again, as she didnt with DGD.

It is so sad.

I was a young mother, but some I feel are ready to take on responsiblity at a young age, some are not.