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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family member taking advantage.... Are *we* being unreasonable?

37 replies

JustcallmeMAT · 01/10/2007 10:09

Regular here with a name change for personal reasons

Story goes like this > Dh has a cousin. She is 16. She has a 7month old child. She still lives at home with her parents & her boyfriend has moved in too.

She decided at the beginning of summer she was going to go back to college after the summer. So she had all summer to arrange childcare for her child.

She didn't do this. She went & registered at college & they told her she was entitled to get her childcare paid for her. She then went to find a nursery/creche/childminder for the child.

Her mum works full time & so does her boyfriend, but she got the child into a nursery not too far away. Anyway, she needed forms etc filling in from college & so she left the forms in a month ago! She still hasn't got them back & her child still hasn't started at nursery.

Instead the care is shared between myself & my SIL. Now I have a job & my SIL has a job also. I am only off 2 days a week (and on these days off I am supposed to be studying for a course I am doing). SIL is also only off 2 days a week (And she has a part time business she runs from home on those 2 days).

The thing is, we are starting to feel like we are being taken advantage of. If cousin had to pay someone to mind her child when she was at college I bet you she would have sorted the forms out at the very beginning. But, as it is, myself or SIL don't want paid/never been offered but that's beside the point. So we share him 4 days a week & on the other day, cousin is off college.

But we have just realised that she is taking us for fools. Child is left at my house in pyjamas & not fed, whilst mum swans off in full make up & the best of clothes. Same as when SIL is minding him. She is told not to leave him homw until 6pm when it has came to our knowledge that cousin in home at 3pm

Anyway, thing is... her dad told us he had offered to pay the nursery until her forms were filled out & sorted but she said no as she would have to pick him up straight after college... this way we have him until very late in the evenings & she has very little to do with him.

I don't to leave her stuck but at the same time, I feel like a mug.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 01/10/2007 10:11

I would stop. Soprry if that sounds hard, but I would. You are all allowing her to avoid the responsibility of her child. It won;t do her or the child any good in the long run [pious emoticon]

mishymoo · 01/10/2007 10:15

Agree with Kewcumber - she is taking the piss! Give her two weeks to sort child care out and then stop looking after LO. You will need to be strong and don't let her make you feel guilty. At the end of the day, she got herself pregnant, she must take responsibility for her child.

Blackduck · 01/10/2007 10:17

Agree, I'd simply stop doing it. She has the means/ability to arrange alternative childcare. SHe is not 'stuck' for support. She IS taking the pee

Tortington · 01/10/2007 10:18

give her 2 weeks notice. i would speak to the parents - and explain why you are mightily pissd off. then i would explain to her.

coppertop · 01/10/2007 10:19

You wouldn't be leaving her stuck. She has had an offer of help already in finding other childcare. It's time to stop.

Original poster
JustcallmeMAT · 01/10/2007 10:33

I know this is what we have to do. It's so difficult though. I remember when my sister was a single parent & if it wasn't for my mum she wouldn't have been able to get an education.

SIL has no children of her own. She has been ttc for almost 10 years now & though she adores this child, he leaves her exhausted. I have my doubts whether or not said child will settle in nursery, as we have to take him out in the car to get him to go to sleep.

I also know that whilst we take care of the child we are enabling her to still have her child free (more or less) existence.

Also, she has never once asked us to mind child. It has always been her mum that sorts out the baby, packs the bag etc..

SIL has decided that as from next week she will say No. Now I need the bottle to do that too, I guess I am soft where this is concerned as when she was PG we all said we would hel her out, but this didn't extend to childminding for weeks on end. I have 2 children of my own who miss out when this child is here as the baby demands constant attention & cries when not being carried about.

OP posts:
Lorayn · 01/10/2007 10:36

I agree with everyone else, give ehr a time period and also tell her during that time, you expect LO to be dressed when he arrives, and fed, and that she must come to pick the child up straight from college. She is taking advantage.

Blackduck · 01/10/2007 10:41

No one is saying never help her ever again. What we are saying is she is ducking her responsibilities. She isn't keeping up her end of deal (ie picking child up at end of collage), you are most certainly not going to ruin her education. There is a nursery place for her child if she would just get off her a*se and sort it. Why should you take the brunt of this?

lorca · 01/10/2007 10:44

god this girl is only a kid herself! She wants to be out having a good time, but she must realise that the baby is her responsibility, not everyone elses. It reminds me of that girl with the baby on the Royle Family! 'You're his godmother:he's your responsibilty!'

Freckle · 01/10/2007 10:44

I think that if you and SIL both make a stand, it will bring home to her just what an immature and silly idiot she is being. To her parents too, as they seem to be colluding with this behaviour. I know her dad has offered to pay for childcare, but they don't seem to be doing much to get her to take up that offer and seem happy to let you and SIL take up the slack.

Tell her that child must arrive dressed and fed and be collected at 3.30pm at the latest.

If you need to dress it up, just say that your own college course is getting busier and SIL's business is too.

Sounds like everyone is looking after this child except its mother.

WanderingTrolley · 01/10/2007 10:44

I would begin by telling her that your course has become more demanding as time has gone on, and you didn't envisage helping her out for more than a week or two, as she'd had so long to sort out her forms etc.

Tell her you'll be happy to help out on the very odd occasion, if she books you well in advance, so you can organise your schedule to accommodate her. You've enjoyed looking after her child, and would love to have her and the child to tea one afternoon, on one of the days you aren't working. Also, she's welcome to ask you for any help she needs in filling in the forms.

Then give her two weeks' notice.

You and your SIL are saints. She isn't a single parent, what is her boyfriend doing to help? And her parents?

HappyMummyOfOne · 01/10/2007 10:44

Tell her soon otherwise when your SIL stops her two days will she expect you or another family member to step in and cover them?

She needs to face up to her responsibilities, she had the child and she should look after it. Its not like she cant go to college, just means she has to use the nursery and actually look after her own child after.

Dont let the quality time with your own children suffer, its one thing to help out a family member whos stuck and eternally grateful for your help but a completely different issue when the person your helping is only looking out for herself.

Original poster
JustcallmeMAT · 01/10/2007 10:52

Each time I ask her mum if the forms are filled out yet her mum says "No, but she's going to have to call them soon!"

When SIL & I talked about it, we both felt awful for talking about her behind her back (but it wasn't done in a malicious way).

Her boyfriend works from 8am until almost 6pm. He drops child off in morning & up until this week it has been a neighbour picking baby up but the neighbour can't do it any longer & the child's mum doesn't drive.

When I have said to SIL is that the child needs a routine. As it is, he has none. He comes here whatever days I am off (2 diff days each week) and to SIL when she is off (2 same days each week). SIL's part time job means she is in the kitchen cooking most of the day & she can't do this when baby is demanding attention.

Neither of us begrudge minding the baby, but we're never even told "Thankyou". One day last week I didn't even know I had the child until they arrived at my door.

I am going to tell her that I can only manage it this week as after that I have to go to college to work on projects on my days off.

OP posts:
Freckle · 01/10/2007 10:54

Don't accept that from her mum. Tell her that she has to sort out the forms or it will be her mum looking after the child full-time. Does her mum work? If not, why can't she look after her grandchild?

maisemor · 01/10/2007 11:13

Do they live far from where you live?
Can you arrange to invite both her and SIL over for a chat and ask her to bring the papers so that you can help her with them.

Offer to entertain the baby right there and then whilst she is filling out the forms. Then post them for her.

maisemor · 01/10/2007 11:14

She is a mother herself by the way. You should not be talking to her mother about this. It has nothing to do with her (granny).

Original poster
JustcallmeMAT · 01/10/2007 11:46

Maisemor, it actually has everything to do with the granny, as he teenager doesn't talk to any of us!

They say she is shy... I say she is odd

She has her part of the form filled in, it is (apparently) college that is dragging their heels at the minute.

And I doubt very much if she would come to tea with SIL & myself, in fact, I guess it would fill her with horror

The granny does work, she has 2 different jobs.

OP posts:
jura · 01/10/2007 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

casbie · 01/10/2007 12:22

poor baby - it's at that age when they are more interesting and communicating heavily...

you need to be brave and talk to the mum herself - even turn up at her school, with baby and give her a good talking to!

maisemor · 01/10/2007 12:35

This is just too weird.

You are babysitting for somebody that you don't speak to!?

You communicate only with the granny!?

You are all (you, SIL, granny, grandad) unhappy about her behaviour!?

From the information you have given me, it sounds to me that you are all letting her behave like a childless teenager so that you can play the martyrs, but it is wearing you down.

maisemor · 01/10/2007 12:36

Would you expect your babysitter/teacher/nursery assistant to be talking to your mother about your children because you were shy??

saltire · 01/10/2007 12:50

You and your SIL need to go and see the girl's mum and dad (and her if she's home) togehter and say="we're not doing it anymore". it sounds harsh but if people keep doing it for her she will always expect it, when will it stop? What happens when she turns 18 and wants to go out clubbing etc? It does sound as though the child's dad is responsible, he has a job, so they are being provided for, her own father has said he will pay for the nursery,but if she's getting her child fed and dressed and looked after by people for free 4 days a week then she's not going to want to change that unless you say NO

evenhope · 01/10/2007 12:51

What an odd situation. Just discussed it with my DD (21) and she thinks it is quite reasonable for the girl to believe everything is OK because nobody has told her otherwise. When I said she is finishing college at 3pm but not picking him up until 6pm she said yeah she needs chill-out time and probably gets stuff sorted out. Apparently that is how the young think

You need to tell her (or granny) that as of blank date you can't have him anymore. Don't be apologetic or ambiguous, just no.

harman · 01/10/2007 12:54

Message withdrawn

RGPargy · 01/10/2007 12:58

YANBU!! She is taking the piss. Agree with evenhope that you have to say as from XXX date, child will have to go to nursery.

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