Secretive husband - stay or go??

[SassandBelle]

Hello

I am a long time lurker and have commented in the past but have name changed as I'd like to start an honest conversation with no hidden backstory or the dreaded drip feed.

I'm married but not happily so. It's not my first marriage and I don't have any children. He has two children late teens/early twenties. I wasn't OW. If truth be told I should never have married him but I did. We have virtually nothing in common. He's very selfish and things are ok as long as I'm agreeing with him. It only takes a very small disagreement and he's moody, sulky, he'll start shouting if I continue to disagree with him. It has ended in minor fits of violence perhaps three or four times in as many years.

He's into his sport and socialising with the guys he plays with and I'm VERY happy for him to go out with them in fact I much prefer him being out.

Most of our disagreements are over his children. I'm the first to admit I'm not a natural step parent and as I wasn't around when they were small we've never had a bond. I tried very hard for the first 3 years of our relationship but couldn't keep going back for more rudeness from them. I slowly disengaged to the point I'm at now where I see them very rarely. He still sees them regularly, but without me. I either go out, or he does with them. I have zero problem with this.

We practically live separate lives. He's always been secretive, but over the years it's got worse. He now won't discuss anything he does with his children with me, it's like their own secret society. I don't want to know details, just things like, is SS going to college in September, or has SS2 changed his car recently (as he saw him in a different one). General menial stuff.

I have a sum saved, I'd like to buy my own home but don't have enough yet. Perhaps another 12 months and I'll be able to. I work two jobs and earn good money, most of which I save.

Life isn't unbearable, but it's pretty sad. What would you do? Would you tolerate it for another 12 months or move out and rent in the knowledge that I'll never own my own home that way?

Does any have experience of living with a secretive husband who doesn't share anything with you?

Sorry so many element to this. Please don't pile on me about being a rubbish SM, my husband's children are not disadvantaged or mistreated in any way.

If you are able to then I would save for the next 12 months and then buy my own house.
However!!!!! You are married. Any assets are 50:50 (or a smaller split depending on time together, what your brought into the relationship etc...). So you will need to divorce during this time.
Would he agree to you living in the same house and separated until you have enough to sort yourself a house?
How long have you been married to him?
Does he own his own house?
Assets work both ways!
Do you have a decent pension?
Does he?
As you married him there are things to pick apart here.
Can you get some legal advice to see what your best next steps would be?

I'm not judging about step kids.
I had 3 for years and didn't like any of them.... actually one of them was OK(ish).
So glad to be out of that relationship.

So... legal advice and then decide!

I agree with pp, get legal advice before deciding what to do. 12 months is an awfully long time to be living like this, especially once you've made your mind up to leave. I also worry that you mentioned he has been violent. Would you be safe? Could you try not to disagree with him, and basically just live separate lives, let him get on with his own thing, and don't try to have normal conversations with him.

Do what's best for you.

Protect your money.

Get advice.

L e a v e . Now.

It is really important to get legal advice straight away, even if the advice is to play a longer game than you might like. In particular, it will matter whether the marriage is classed as short, medium or long. The shorter the marriage, the greater the chance that you walk away with all your assets intact.

What are your relative financial positions? Does he work? Have savings? What about the house you live in - whose was that prior to marriage? Did you put equal shares in and pay equally now?

Those are the kind of things you need to tell a solicitor, along with copies of all financial paperwork including pensions etc.

Keep working and saving. Try to see the fact he keeps to himself as an absolute blessing.

Meanwhile, you could move out and live very cheaply in some arrangement like Homeshare

homeshareuk.org/homeshare-areas-coverage-map/

We haven't been married a very long time, I'm sure it would be classed as a short marriage. He has very few assets, other than my savings I also have very few. No pension, no houses, nothing of value. He is due to inherit a lot of money on the passing of his parents who are in their 80s. This worries me as he will be wealthy and I will not, I know we're married but he's never given me a penny (I've never asked or wanted him too) we have very separate finances but if there's an unequal balance I would be very uncomfortable.

Wealth isn't everything OP.
And inheritance is not usually classed as an asset. It will be his any way and I doubt he'll happily share it with you even if you remain married.
If there are no financial ties or assets, this should be pretty straight forward.
Get a free or reduced half hour with a solicitor and make sure you are protected.
Then make your plans to get out.

I reckon I'd rather get a room in a house share and keep saving than to stay living with him, he sounds awful and you sound miserable, definitely get legal advice about your savings though

I definitely don't want his money, I think I wrote that post poorly as it sounds like I want his inheritance. I'm just worried he'll be wealthy and swanning around with his kids while I'm penniless and scraping around for money. It's not the life I want, I would much rather be alone and penniless than with him and penniless.

Life's too short to not be happy OP 💐

Yes it certainly is and that's why I'm dithering. I just think for 12 more months I could be in a much better position for my future and ultimately much more secure and happy.

My financial position is no thanks to my husband by the way. Every penny I've saved is through earning it myself.

Well, as I said, get legal advice now, then you'll know where you stand.

I think Covid has taught us all that life is short and precious. The thought of spending another year with this man is awful - it's certainly not going to be a barrier to you having your own home. Speak to a mortgage broker about options - you might be able to put down less of a deposit.

Hi op, he sounds hard work. I would maybe get legal advice on it. No point going on for years being miserable. My mam would be like that as long as its her way.. its draining. Mind yourself

Sounds like your marriage is only a house-share. So you might as well get out now and house-share with someone more agreeable whilst you're saving.

OP, if you make a plan for 12 months time and think you can just let him do his thing, then do it.

Go into a spare room to sleep better.
Take this time to focus on you and don't engage one way or another, what's the point?
Make your plans to get away in 12 months.

Can you disengage for 12 months is the question?

Defo get legal advice. It would be gutting if you saved for 12 months and it turns out that he is entitled to half of it. Good luck xx

I think 12 months is actually quite short. I'd see a solicitor now though to check you're not going to be giving him half as otherwise you may as well leave now. I'd view at as a positive he is secretive and just treat him as a housemate who you aren't close to at all and lead separate lives. Use the time to plan, and save, so in 12 months you can say I've bought a house and am filing for divorce

You’re better to go now and give half of what you have now, rather than half of what you will have in 12 months.
You really need legal advice now, never too early to get your ducks in a row.

Do you both have private pensions ?
Do you own your house ?
Do you have joint accounts and private accounts ?
Collect as much info as you can on the quiet.

Life’s too short to be stuck in a marriage that’s past it’s sell buy date. You’re lucky that you don’t have DCs with him, so the break can be a clean one. Start planning to start again on your own, even if it means moving into rented until you can sort yourself out with permanent accommodation, if owning your own home is going to be an option. Look on it as the next chapter of your life - the world is your oyster!