to tell my ex dh's no money, no access

[law3]

I have 2 ds 14, 12 by a previous marriage, which ended 10 years ago, ex has never paid a penny in maintenance, other than a pair of trainers here and there, he sees the kids every other weekend.

I have 1 ds 3.6 by my current marriage which ended about 2 weeks ago, after 8 years. He now wants to start seeing ds, but is refusing to pay any maintenance or his half of any debts we had.

I am in serious shit financially, overdraft £1000, loans, car finance (already sold the car and paid of some of it)etc, etc.

After i have paid bills and debts i am left with £150 a month to buy food, clothes, etc. I work part time, cant increase my hours, otherwise have to pay child minders.

I never thought i would consider using the kids as pawns, but how on earth am i suppose to feed and cloth them, surely there is more to being a dad that access at weekends.

I really do feel like saying no money, no access, to prompt them into paying something.

Yes YABU. Your DCs will learn how unfair their fathers have been but still have a right to a relationship with him which, unless they are at risk, I believe you should support.
I agree with other posters that CSA is the way ahead for you (though the £2.50 per week they awarded me sort of undermined my confidence a bit ) have you contacted CAB or DWP about any benefits? (I do know how hard this is when everything's down to you - been there - but it will get better, promise)

IM TOTALLY GOBSMACKED, just spoke to ex1, told him i could not afford to feed ds1/2 and unless he helped out i would have no alternative but to drop kids off to him ever night and he would have to feed them. I hate having to stoop so low, but seems to have done the trick. (shock, horror, kids every night, instead of once a night every two weeks, might interfere with my lifestyle!!)

Apparently now i dont have a man living with me he is happy to pay maintenance?!?!?!? and his offer was more than generous!!!!

One down, one to go!!!!!!

I'm glad he's offered law, that must take the pressure off.

i really, really think you should BOTH get down to the solicitors and get an agreement drafted so that it's formal.

It is just so tenuous and chancey otherwise. Circumstances change; he might get bitter and angry if you get another relationship, he might get a relationship where the pressure is on for his money to remain in HIS house.....you need it formalised.

you can present it as being to protect BOTH of you, rather than that you want to get him all legally tied up in a nice bow!

Glad the pressure's off a bit though. Hope you have a nice relaxing evening now!

you are not bveing unreasonable at all - but don't do that! You must keep your battles with ex separate from the kids relationship with him. Report him to the CSA, go and see a solicitor, get them to write to him about how if debts mount up, you can get a court to make an earnings attachment order - which means your maintenance is taken out of his pay packet automatically before he even gets it, or a charging order on any property he owns - there is also the potential to get an order for sale, forcing him to sell anything he owns once you have a charging order over it. So there are remedies there, they are stresfull, time consuming, and if you do not qualify for legal aid, expensive, but so much better than interfering with your kids relationship with their dad.

tho i totally know how tempting it is!

Glad ex1 has decided to be reasonable - although why he feels that another man should be picking up the tab for his children is beyond me.

Do get this agreement in writing and get the forms from the CSA just in case he decides to be arsey because you do something he doesn't like. And then submit them the minute he stops paying.

Now get assertive with ex2.

Freckle - some blokes are happy for another man to pick up the tab - it saves them having to part with any money!!!

law3 - that's a brilliant result though you do still need to get something legal arranged. Good luck with ex2!

YABU sorry but your kids are not barganing chips to be used as you feel, I am sure they have feelings on the subject too, especially the older ones.

My dad never paid a penny towards my mum for anything, but she never stopped him seeing us, if she had I would have hated her.

Get some financial help, maybe CAB or such, and try and be firm but fair with the ex's.

Separation agreements are a good start, but dont worry about things, I thing maybe the whole break up thing is still upsetting you so try and be calm and carrying on being a great mum as I am sure you are and the children will see that you played fair in the future regardless of the lack of respect on their fathers sides.

DOH I am a billysitch, just read your post law3, good news, and now for the next one, good luck

I know, so funny the way men are so jealous of other men taking their place with their children when mums get a new partner, but then when it comes to money, so many are MORE than happy for new partner to pick up the tab. When I married dh, ex dp asked if he;d still have to pay maintenance for our oldest two, as now I was married 'the law is different'!!!!
Ha.

Totally totally unreasonable, I was left in a similar position with two very young children that my husband has never supported financially but I could never ever add to my daughters' unhappiness about that by doing anything to further damage their relationship with their dad.

We chose to have the children and their interests are the only ones that matter. It really is bad enough for them already, do everything you can to facilitate access and to keep their relationship alive and well. Your children are entitled to think well of their Dad, they didn't ask to be born did they?

Honoria - thats a good idea, i dont think he will agree, buts its worth a try.

Really trying to avoid it turning 'nasty' in anyway ie courts etc. Its hard trying to balance the kids emotional needs ie seeing dad and be able to meet their physical needs ie food etc.

No more relationships for me, mug of hot choclate and a good book!!

vacua - im really trying to put the interests of the children first, unless i can get some money from somewhere they will starve literally, well they wouldnt because by hook or by crook i would make sure that they didnt.

Just seemed a tiny bit unfair, while im struggling on under £20 a week (partly because of ex1 and ex2)that ex1 and ex2 dont pay a penny towards the up keep of OUR children. Have access one day a week, every other Sat and act as though for the other 2 weeks OUR kids dont exist. Like they only have needs on a Saturday.

I sympathise, honestly, I have been there. I lost my job and got a court order for maintenance (which was never ever paid) and tried to claim benefits only to be given £15 a week, no housing or other benefits, and told it was up to me to enforce the court order - by which time he'd left the country. That was my one and only brush with benefits, it put me off for life. I just used to sit on the floor and cry with rage and frustration and fear when the children were asleep. Now they are older (17 and 15) they have made up their own minds about things but they were nearly 3 and nearly 5 then and it was so hard, but we got through and are doing ok now. Sorry if I seemed a bit unfeeling, it's just that my 15yo has so many psychological problems stemming from his rejection of her I have to keep performing emotional acrobatics on her behalf. x

YANBU Law3. What your children are entitled to is to is a decent standard of living. You are giving them the opportunity to know their dads whilst the dads are frankly taking the piss. Am also a lone parent with 2 young children and I feel for you.

vacua - all sounds terrible, im relieved to here you survived and there is hope. how did you manage on £15, how long did you have to cope on £15 a week for, how did you get yourself out of the rut?

Thanks stripey - thats what really gets me, its like they are only entitled to a decent standard of living when with dad and as long as dad doesnt have to see how they live the rest of the time, he can forget about it.