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AIBU?

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Original poster

to tell my ex dh's no money, no access

65 replies

law3 · 01/10/2007 09:25

I have 2 ds 14, 12 by a previous marriage, which ended 10 years ago, ex has never paid a penny in maintenance, other than a pair of trainers here and there, he sees the kids every other weekend.

I have 1 ds 3.6 by my current marriage which ended about 2 weeks ago, after 8 years. He now wants to start seeing ds, but is refusing to pay any maintenance or his half of any debts we had.

I am in serious shit financially, overdraft £1000, loans, car finance (already sold the car and paid of some of it)etc, etc.

After i have paid bills and debts i am left with £150 a month to buy food, clothes, etc. I work part time, cant increase my hours, otherwise have to pay child minders.

I never thought i would consider using the kids as pawns, but how on earth am i suppose to feed and cloth them, surely there is more to being a dad that access at weekends.

I really do feel like saying no money, no access, to prompt them into paying something.

OP posts:
Original poster
law3 · 01/10/2007 10:58

ex 1, has always said he will declare himself bankrupt before paying a penny. Perhaps i should call his bluff, as he now has his own house, posh car, new wife etc,etc.

Not entitled to credits, as i earn enough, just swallowed up by debts.

Have reduced debt payments through the CCCS, but they only leave you with enough money for absolute neccesities.

Just feeling sorry for myself, bit angry, rather helpless, bit of a failure not being able to provide for my kids. Dont worry mood will pass, just a bit down after checking bank balance.

OP posts:
IdreamofClooney · 01/10/2007 10:59

YANBU to wish you could say that to your ex - that is exactly how I feel.

However, I can;t remember where I read it .... but the bottom line is that you cannot make your children "pay per view".

It is soooo frustrating when you cannot get money out of your ex but it is usually ultimately in the children's best intersts to see their father.

As others have suggested get some legal advice from the CAB or family mediation services and try to come to some agreement.

I get very frustrated by my ex as he is totally unreliable and I have to ask repeatedly to get any money from him. I got paid on Friday and I am already into overdraft once the mortgage and bills are paid, if my ex gives me the money he has agreed to I will just get through the month but have no money for clothes or shoes etc so I look like a ragamuffin - if he were to pay be back the hundreds of pounds he owes me I would be fine.

It is shit. I do not understand why men think that it is cool not to contribute and happily watch the woman struggle to provide then hang out with their kids thinking they are super dad.

GRRRRRR

jofeb04 · 01/10/2007 11:01

Exh 1 - deffinately call his bluff.

If you desperate for money, have you got anything to take to cash generater?

Tortington · 01/10/2007 11:01

i would deffo call his bluff.

i wouldnt be the kind of person to be the 'better' person - thnking that i should struggle onthrough wbecuase my children deserve to have contact with their father.

quite frankly if the father was any kind of a man - they would contribute - and if they didn't think highly enough of their own children to do so - then i would feel that they are not the kind of person iwould want my children to have as a role model.

so fuck that. you have a right to be angry -get solicitors csa and whoever else to kick some dead beat dad arse.

hanaflower · 01/10/2007 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Baffy · 01/10/2007 11:03

ex1 said 'he would declare himself bankrupt before paying a penny' - for his own children!!!

Get the courts involved. Go to CAB. He wants all the joys of being a father with none of the responsibility. I'd take him for every penny you can. And back payments to cover all the years he hasn't paid.

Don't let either of them off. The children are their responsibility as much as yours.

Am so for you!

Freckle · 01/10/2007 11:07

Was there a court order re maintenance for the children when you got divorced? If so, what did it say?

suzycreamcheese · 01/10/2007 11:08

yanbu
ask to meet and discuss things..separately, but with both of them..even have ready finances on paper to start with..

and your first dh must be aware of change in circumstances for you all recently..and i would leave other partner in no doubt of need of financial contribution and ask to meet and talk..
part of his problem might be that he never saw first dh contribute?

if you cant sort it that way, then i would go the route of csa...you havent got enough to do and you should not be left one own to sort it out, panic, and always be the tight one saying NO

good luck

fedupwasherwoman · 01/10/2007 11:10

Law3, as I understand it you're not getting a penny at the moment so even if your exdh1 does declare himself bankrupt he's only causing himself inconvenience by doing that.

One possible problem would be the souring of relationships within the family, with exdh's being pissed off about being taken to task for funds and leaving your children aware that their mother is, in their opinion, "being difficult, demanding money".

Original poster
law3 · 01/10/2007 11:10

freckle - sorry used the term marriage out of convenience, should have said relationship. We werent married, sorry if thats confused things.

OP posts:
Original poster
law3 · 01/10/2007 11:13

just spoken to the CCCS, apparently any extra income ie maintenance would be used to pay of debt, but the good news apparently is that it wouldnt take so long to pay off debts!!!!!!

OP posts:
Freckle · 01/10/2007 11:15

I think perhaps you need to make your children aware of the situation (certainly the older 2). If they think it's more fun at dad's because he buys them things, let them know that the reason you can't is because he pays bugger all towards their upkeep. And that he hasn't done so for years. I don't believe there is any benefit in shielding children from this sort of information as it just reinforces the idea that you are difficult and a pain, whereas dad is fun, etc.

Children are a joint responsibility. It was a joint choice to bring them into the world. It is a joint duty to ensure they are well cared for and maintained. Your ex is just shedding his responsibility whilst maintaining an image in his children's eyes of being a great dad. What a sham.

Freckle · 01/10/2007 11:15

How are these debts your responsibility? What about ex-h2?

suzycreamcheese · 01/10/2007 11:16

law3
sorry just read rest of thread!
call his bluff
this is so not on
contact solicitor and find out about csa route it might make you feel better to know what is involved and what next stages are etc...

what does ex-partner say?..

Original poster
law3 · 01/10/2007 11:20

fedupwasherwoman - i love the name, just about sums me up at the mo

Both ex's would do exactly as you said, i would be the 'bad' one. Just getting fed up, what with Xmas coming, knowing im going to be totally skint, no presents, no food and thats heartbreaking for me, i feel like such a failure not being able to provide anything nice for my kids.

Where ex's on the other hand will have a great xmas and spoil kids rotten and i will be the 'bad' one again.

sorry on a right downer at the mo!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
law3 · 01/10/2007 11:25

freckle - made the stupid mistake of everything in my name out of convenience didnt bother with a joint account. ex2 used to just have his wages paid into my account.

Everything in my name, ex2 refusing to pay anything, as apparently i get to keep everything ie washing machine, tv etc which i had before he came anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
law3 · 01/10/2007 11:36

told ex2 that he needs to pay his half of the overdraft and household bills for while he was living here, as i cant afford to pay these and buy food etc. Basically told me to take a running jump and he will be picking up ds at 10 oclock on Saturday.

OP posts:
Freckle · 01/10/2007 11:51

Then you total up what he owes you and issue a claim through the small claims court.

Write to him (you need evidence to show the court that you gave him the opportunity to pay prior to issuing) asking him to pay the amount owed within 7 days or you will be issuing court proceedings. And then do it.

Your exes have been getting away with this because you have let them. This clearly has to stop as you cannot afford to live whilst taking on their debt and maintaining their children with no help from them.

HonoriaGlossop · 01/10/2007 11:54

Agree with you again, Freckle.

Action is needed here.

The trouble is it's when everything is on top of you, and you feel least like coping, that you need more than ever to take action.

Is there anyone in RL who can support you to get CAB/legal advice law? We can say all we like on here, but it's you who has to physically do it.

Freckle · 01/10/2007 12:01

Oh and you immediately contact the CSA re both dads and get things moving. Even if any maintenance is swallowed up paying debts, those debts will be a thing of the past much more quickly.

It will at least show them both that you mean business. No more being a doormat and letting them walk all over you.

Dropdeadfred · 01/10/2007 15:27

I don't know hold your children are, or why you haven't involved the csa in either case (so what if they go bankrupt - you'd be no worse off and they would not be able to splash the cash in front of your dcs anymore...) but if you're eldest are old enough to understand I would sit them down, with their father present, and say exactly what you have told us..
Explain to the children the reasons that their dad appears to be loaded and you're always strapped for cash is that their dad does not want to help you pay any bills or pay anything towards looking after them.

Sometimes men can balk at paying maintenance as they think that the woman is going to have loads of cash and spend it on other things apart from the kids...what if you could find a few bills and ask them to pay them each month..ie gas/electric c/tax etc...then ensure they set up a direct debit?

DaDaDa · 01/10/2007 15:43

"ex1 said 'he would declare himself bankrupt before paying a penny' - for his own children!!!"

That's shocking and I'm not surprised you're thing about witholding access.

It can only end badly for the kids that way surely though? I know the CSA have a reputation for being a shambles but they must be your first port of call.

Original poster
law3 · 01/10/2007 16:16

thanks everyone, i dont really have anyone to talk to in RL, parents are not around, sister lives abroad. Have friends but dont like to bother them, i know thats what friends are for, but gets boring someone telling you all their troubles.

I suppose what prompted my no money, no access, was convo with ex2, who basically told me to fuck off when i asked for his half of overdraft etc and then in the next breath il be picking up ds at 10 on Sat.

Im just too soft, anything to avoid conflict and felt like being the tough one for a change!! I would never follow through with kids not being able to see their dad, but thought the threat of it might prompt some immediate action.

OP posts:
Twinkie1 · 01/10/2007 16:22

They would not go bankrupt - that is rideculous - his wife wouldn't want that would she and it would have far reaching implications - to be honest would only make his life worse and not yours - your life wouldn't change at all - I would get onto the CSA regarding both absent fathers today - I know everyone says they are crap but I get some money from XH through them most months and it helps really it does.

Next time you see XH tell him you are going to the CSA and if he mentions bankruptcy say fine - you don't give me anything now so my ife is not going to change but it will make your life pretty shit - no crecit cards no mortgage no nothing!!! Do you really think he is willing to go through all that bankruptcy entails to get at you?? If I was his wife I wouldn't let him.

HappyDaddy · 01/10/2007 16:24

I agree with all who say go to CSA. They should (well they did with me) make sure both dads pay and take from their employers if necessary. They might not be perfect but it's better than worrying that you'll have to be nice to your exes.

And if they dont pay, you'll be no worse off.