Sister in law's birthday

[Blamangeatrois]

First ever thread, please be kind!
Sister in law's Birthday tomorrow. I haven't seen her for over 2 years, my brother has told me she has "finished" with my parents and I have asked if that was the case for me he said no, not very convincingly I must add. I feel I have tried and tried over the years to have a relationship with her, and to see my brother regularly but it's always been one sided. It seems like she always wanted my brother to herself but nothing to do with his family. We have had some fun times on family occasions but years ago now. I'm rambling I know..
My question is, aibu to forget her birthday? She didn't acknowledge mine for the last two years or any of my children's or husband. What do you think? I'm worried that I will cause.more trouble for.my brother or fuel to any so called reason for this hurtful distance.
So, do you think I'm being unreasonable? Seems very pathetic with the global.problems we're all facing, but I just feel like a bit of an idiot giving a card and gift to someone who clearly wants nothing to do with me.
As I say, please be kind feeling rather tearful over here, thankyou.

She doesn't want to do Birthdays, so stop doing them. I've tried to get thos across to my Sister and every year she tries to force present giving on me and the rest of the family at Christmas.

Just do what you can to maintain a relationship with your Brother.

Nah, I’d leave it. Not your problem.

Thankyou that's helpful

Does YOUR brother remember YOUR birthday or the birthdays of your children? The onus for that is really on him, not your sister in law.
If neither of them do, then you shouldn't feel guilty for not doing it either.

It wasn’t her responsibility to ‘acknowledge’ your birthdays, nor your husbands, nor your children’s - that was your brother’s job.

Did he?

Why are you blaming her for not acknowledging birthdays? Shouldn't your brother be doing that?

As for hers, I wouldn't bother.

In terms of reciprocity, that broke so you don't need to continue. But if you suspect an agenda of isolation then by continuing, you preclude her being able to tell your brother that you've cut ties. You shouldn't feel an idiot by continuing, rather it will annoy her if you keep a link that she wants broken if she is being nasty.

Does your brother send you a card from them both or just from him or does he not send one. If the latter then I'm not sure I'd see this your SIL 'not acknowledging mine' - card sending is not necessarily 'wifework'.

Does your brother send you and Dh and Dc a card/gifts?
If yes I would continue acknowledging her birthday even if it’s just a token card.

She doesn't bother to give you anything so don't send her anything either

Why is it up to her to do your birthday? Can’t your brother do that?

Definitely your brother’s job to remember his family’s birthdays (I.e. yours, your DH and your DC.) I think you should get her a card, at least. Seems as though your brother doesn’t want to take responsibility for remembering birthdays and buying presents for his side of the family.

I would give her a card and a small gift. It has been a horrible year for most people and it might just break the ice.

Thanks so much, it's very helpful. Zilla1 has hit the nail on the head with first paragraph and acknowledged my thoughts. I'm certain she wants my brother away from me. I honestly don't know why, and I don't want to add any fuel to the fire, so have decided to acknowledge her birthday in a pleasant way for my brother's sake. It is absolutely nothing to do with "wife duties" etc, I think she has another agenda. That is up to her. Thanks everyone

If you are seeing her I'd give her some flowers but if not then don't bother.

Unfortunately some partners are like this. I’ve found its very dependent on whether siblings partners want to be involved with the family. No, I wouldn’t get her a present.

First time this year I didn’t give my BIL a card or gift. My sister never gets my DH anything. Every year for the last 10 I’ve sent hers something because I think it’s a nice thing to do.
Didn’t acknowledge it this year and I’ll be completely honest, it felt great.

I very much expect them to send something to DH this year to make some sort of point but it’ll be wasted because I’m no longer interested.
OP in your shoes I’d break the pattern and see what happens. It might shock them into being a bit nicer. From the sounds of things she’s already made her mind up about your side of the family and sending a card won’t (and hasn’t) changed that.

The only thing you need to ask yourself is whether your brother gets your husband a card. If he doesn't, don't reciprocate. I doubt they'll lose seep over it, but if they get arsey, you know that they're being dicks about it and can ignore them.

Absolutely drop the chase. I have a sister in law exactly like this. The reality is that my db really doesn't care enough to make the effort to bother with family stuff himself, it's not important to him. My sil is just part of that. I get maybe 2 or 3 word replies to whatsapp messages these days. One day I will send him the 2 word message "mums dead" and no doubt he will arrive for his share of what ever is left. I find it was but we are all different and I assume he is happy in his own life.

I’m very much that my husband should sort out stuff for his family and I sort stuff for mine.
We stopped doing gifts for SIL at her request and agreed to just buy for the kids.
One year she didn’t buy our kids a birthday present and then had a strop because we still bought for her children.
We have been NC for a while but I still buy presents for her kids. It’s not their fault. It’s up to her if she doesn’t wish to pass them on.
Sorry that’s turned into a bit of a moan.

Definitely leave it.
My SIL insists on sending us £50 Amazon vouchers for our birthday etc.
Because there’s one of her and more of us hubby insists on spending a fortune on her. We don’t want the vouchers and I certainly don’t want to spend loads of our money on her.
Even when we were at a low point, selling stuff out the loft to buy Xmas presents for the kids, he insisted on spending loads on her 😡

@SteelyPanther why don’t you just buy her something from amazon using the vouchers you don’t want?

[quote Iorderedyouapancake]@SteelyPanther why don’t you just buy her something from amazon using the vouchers you don’t want?[/quote]
Because hubby buys her gift and it has to be certain thing from a certain shop 🙄
When you’ve had no money, like we have at certain times in our life, I wish that he had asked her to stop the presents instead of pretending we could afford it.

Thanks again everyone, you've really helped. Families are so complicated aren't they.