Jealousy over SIL ruining my life

[ibetthatyoulookgoodonthedancef]

Well, ex SIL. She has just had her first baby and I'm ashamed to say, my jealousy is tearing me up inside. :( Her partner is amazing and treats her and the baby so well. Her brother was abusive to me and now has nothing to do with our daughter. They have financial security, a car and a mortgage. I'm currently on benefits, don't drive (although starting lessons next month) and live in an old rented flat. I absolutely hate feeling this way and it is consuming me. The thing that I am most jealous of is her relationship with her mum, I don't have one with mine and it really hurts every time I have to see them together. Can someone please offer me some advice :( I have to have contact with them as they have DD one day a week and really, the problem isn't them is it, it is me. I just feel so terribly sad and lonely. I would love to meet someone but clearly my self esteem is so low at the moment that I don't think that is right for me either.

Oh OP comparison is the thief of joy. I’m so sorry you feel so low . It is hard to pull yourself out of it but you need to leave social media and concentrate on your life and your daughter.

Why are you focusing your life on her? She doesn't deserve to be at the receiving end of this. You should work yourself, yes. Only look within to ask the questions. Small steps. Think about what kind of life you want and what person you want to be.

Sorry op I just saw you have contact with them. I’m afraid you’re going to have to try to not feel so jealous. It is so hard and I don’t even know how it’s possible but you must try to stop xx

The problem isn’t your SIL she is just the focus for your grief at the way your ex treated you and stamped on your dreams. You are doing better than you think. You are holding it together and finding a way to move forward.

However, allow yourself a chance to grieve then focus your anger where it should be - on your ex. Is there some reason why you are turning the feelings inwards on to yourself rather than outwards on to him?

All that glitters isnt gold.

Things may look great for her but you dont ever know what goes on behind closed doors.

Try to think about what you have got in your life rather than what you havent- I always find that helps if I start feeling jealous of other people or inferior xx

Op go look at your dd right now.
Your ex sil has A baby.
She does not have YOUR amazing dd...

Instead of looking upwards at what others have that you don't, look downwards at those that don't have what you have.

You have a child, roof over your head, health too I presume.

Many would be eternally grateful to have what you have.

It also might be worthwhile to join some sort of social group, get out there and meet people and build up your self esteem.

Sorry you’re feeling so low OP

Can you shift your focus to how lovely it will be for your DD to have a new cousin?

I’d love it if we could stop seeing people suggesting that happy people might not be as happy as they look It’s utterly pointless and why would it help anyone? Hopefully the SIL is as happy has supported as she looks, I’m sure OP wouldn’t feel better to think this woman is secretly miserable, being abused or actually hates her mum and isn’t enjoying her baby. It’s patronising in the extreme to suggest everyone is living a shit life behind closed doors.

Oh OP, I feel for you. You clearly recognise its not your SILs fault. It sounds like she represents what you don't have. I think you just have to remind yourself that this will pass. Also, it's not your SIL, but what she represents that you are jealous of. And then try and work on your own self esteem and remember all the brave things you've done and challenges you've faced.

Well she has an abusive arsehole for a brother. You can’t envy that!

You sound strong. You are raising your daughter without the help of a partner and your own mum, and although it makes you sad it also takes an impressive amount of resilience and you should be proud. Also your ability to recognise and acknowledge the source of your feelings shows good self-awareness and emotional intelligence, which plenty of people lack.

You are in a better position now than you were, that is your point of comparison. You have full custody so you can let go of your abusive ex whilst he is still in their lives. Try and see that you now have the opportunity to build a better life for yourself and your child. Don't compare yourself to anyone else, be proud of what you have and will achieve.

Thank you everyone for your kind comments. I know that I really need to focus on building my self esteem. My DD is so amazing and I'm so lucky to have her. I also don't want SIL to be unhappy, I just want my own version of happiness, if that makes sense. Sorry for rambling. :( I'm just so lonely.

I have ordered two books tonight on Amazon to try and help myself, Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway and The Six Pillars of self esteem. Both have good reviews

OP, you've been through such a rough time you poor thing, I'm so sorry💐
of course it's hard when you see other people who seem to have everything just fall into their laps, it's bound to make you feel resentful about the unfairness of life☹️
Try to be kind to yourself, you deserve some of the good things in life too, I wish you better times ahead⭐
is there anything that could be done to make the weekly meetings with them less uncomfortable?

What would it take for you to not feel lonely, what kind of company or interactions do you need?

I think it's down to your perspective as you do have good things:

1. Your DD & you both have health & security
2. You are not with your ex
3. Trying driving soon
4. You are able to honestly reflect on being lonely & the affects of this

Number 4 is vital, we all have times when we feel shit and compare ourselves to others, but we can lie to ourselves and others or face it. It's better for your longterm mental health to face this.

This may sound odd, but can you parent yourself a bit? I haven't had full emotional support from my DM & don't really have a dad. Sometimes I am kind to myself. Say things in my head like "well done you completely ignore ex now" or "well done when you choose what to wear you don't put yourself down at the sametime" and "well done you are putting DC first".

Also, give yourself a break, you are human and times are sometimes tough.