to ask if these are all normal toddler behaviours?

[ohhmama]

For a 21 month old:

• hitting me in the face when I say no to him
• trying to hit our cat and pull his tail
• tantruming up to 3 times a day over small things
• going completely nuts when I try and put him in his car seat
• going completely nuts when I try and change his nappy
• if I ask him to give something to mama, he always gives it to someone else instead
• hitting me randomly because he thinks it's funny
• biting me because he thinks it's funny
• pulling my hair
• kicking me because he thinks it's funny

I'm exhausted.

Is his speech at the right level for him to understand basic good/ bad/ yes /no? I find “naughty corner” helps with my 2yo although it needs to be straight away from the behaviour being displayed; mine knows it’s a bad thing and will cry but not move unless you go and reiterate no hitting, ask him to say sorry and then it’s hugs&kisses and you move on. Repeating and standing firm about unacceptable bad behaviour is key. I have found that calm children create calmness in other children so maybe some play dates with calm children he can model behaviour on as mentioned in PP may have a positive effect? Nursery also gives them a routine which seems to have a calming effect as they know what to expect throughout the day- might help to try to mirror a set routine for him. I recall reading somewhere most children crave routine and respond really well to a scheduled day. Good luck - it’s a minefield.

I showed your post to my husband and had to emphasise I hadn't actually written it myself!

I got slapped in the face with a flat hand the other day. He's usually amazing with the cat but will hit her or try to yank her tail from time to time. Today we've had repeated strops/ tantrums for any number of reasons (me wanting to put him in his highchair, him pushing the pushchair and getting stuck, him "only" being allowed 6 large spoonfuls of chocolate cake, me not topping his cup up when it's not even empty etc). Nappy changes are a bloody nightmare, he hates lying on his back. He has also tried to bite me a few times, but I've seen it coming and managed to dodge it.

He's 22 months and I'm 11 weeks pregnant. Exhausting is the word indeed.

I don't think the violence is anything to be particularly concerned about at this point, but I would make it very clear that it is not OK. I grab his hand when he hits me, look him in the eye and say it's not allowed and is naughty. Other times I hold my index finger up and say stop. If he continues, I put him on the floor/ in his cot/ any safe place that is not where he was kicking off and leave him for a few seconds.

The tantrums are because their brains haven't developed enough yet for them to snap out of it. Distraction is the only thing that works. I agree with a PP that he's probably frustrated at his inability to communicate. DS says "more!" all the time, it can mean anything from "I'm hungry" to "I want that toy/ I want to go outside". Could you contact your health visitor for some support, even if just emotional/ moral?

Good luck, and try not to worry!

He probably only says around 9/10 words. His physical ability is that of an older child but his speech is slightly behind. This is what I've been told anyway.

You are so not a crap parent. The very fact you are writing this post just proves it. When DD2 was two and three she would slap me in the face, knock my glasses off and kick at me. She was petrified of the toilet-medical reasons-and would lash out when she had to sit on the toilet. I am not suggesting your DS is poorly but when I got upset with my DM and asked why DD took it out on me and not DH or her the reply stuck with me which was that she struck out at me because she knew I would just love her unconditionally so she hit out at me because she could.

Dd1 was a fantastically easy toddler (i entirely know this is luck not my mysteriously superior parenting skills) but went through a short phase of biting - mostly me, but a couple of times other kids at nursery, and laughing when told off.

Totally stopped when she learnt enough words to communicate, and i think it was frustration + not knowing what “telling off” was (ie she just saw mummy making funny faces and voices, so laughed.) She’s a lovely 5 year old now, if that’s any consolation, and refused to believe me when i brought up her “bitey” period

[quote ohhmama]@labyrinthloafer I don't think he's bored, but lockdown has been tough as he's gone from socialising a lot to almost not at all. His behaviour has definitely changed since lockdown. He hardly sees anyone apart from me. [/quote]
I don't think you should over react, lockdown is very weird. This does NOT make you a crap mum.

I don't actually know what to suggest because it feels from what you say that maybe he needs to see other children but that is so hard.

I would have moved if mine was hitting me and done something different. I also remember clearly trying to anticipate biting and prevent it happening. Not always easy!

My first child did none of this. My second did all of it apart from the headbutting. It was hard work . Doing the "ow is you just mummy" thing didn't work at all. I stuck no "No, we don't hit/kick/bite, it's not kind..." then progressed to a sort of time out, zero tolerance of purposeful hurting. He's 3.5 now and says "I want to kick/smack/bite....." instead of doing it. He's very dramatic though, really over reacts if asked to do x,y,z when he doesn't want to. Proper jumping screaming tantrums. He's getting better at dealing with his emotions....gradually

My son has exhibited all of these behaviours (on or off) within the last 6 months or so. He's nearly 24 months old. When ever he exhibits behaviour which I don't like (biting/ hitting/ kicking) I get down to his level and say something like "no. We do not hit/ kick/bite people) my whole tone of my voice changes and he appears to notice and he either cries or laughes, but I repeat this about 100 times (it feels like this sometimes) and eventually he stops testing this particular boundary and goes for something else instead. I spend my days in perpetual exhaustion just hoping that he doesn't take a chunk out of his brother, father or hamster the tantrums when putting him in the car seat were the best...he went as stiff as a plank a few times and screamed blue murder. The phase didn't last long (thank goodness!)

Ha! We're in cloth nappies too Two-part system, so double the fun... Buy some disposables pull ups if you feel it will help! Assuming that isn't against your ethics, but nobody will judge you!

Sounds pretty normal- although that doesn't make it less exhausting or difficult for you to handle.
Agree with what others have said around communication- hopefully some of the more physical behaviours will reduce as he gets more language to explain why he is frustrated/angry/lashing out.
Also- now guidance says its fine to meet up to 6 people from diff households perhaps some playdates in a local park or in your garden might be an idea?
Final question from me- how is his sleep? My toddler is absolutely vile to deal with when overtired.

My DS is 3. He did (& still does) the thing where he'll give the object to someone else, but agree with @FTMF30 that it's about testing boundaries.

My DS didn't hit, kick or headbut, but did go through a bit of a bitey phase around that age. It was never when he was cross, I think he was just learning how to use different parts of his body (kind of copying me from when I would give kisses and he would try to do it back but hadn't really learned how to use his mouth for a kiss, but had learned how to use his mouth to eat, so was applying what he knew from two situations but getting in a muddle).

If he is doing it because he thinks it's funny, rather than because he is angry or frustrated, then perhaps he is in a muddle himself eg. Perhaps he is trying to pat or stroke your head but hasn't got full control of his fingers yet so it turns into a hair pull?

Sorry, no idea if it is "normal" or not, but think at that age they are still working out how things work so I wouldn't be too worried just yet.

FWIW, from conversations I've had with other mum friends irl, I think it is 100% normal for mums to worry whether or not their children are "normal" though!

Does he sleep well? A tired toddler is often an umanageable toddler. How much screen time is he getting? I've found that mine gets really cranky and defiant if she's allowed lots of TV time and particularly if she's allowed to watch multiples of the same shows- an hour of continuous Bing will result in worse behaviour than an hour of CBeebies in which she watches a variety of programmes and has no control over which.

@Letmegetthisrightasawoman I just can't stand how long they take to biodegrade. I do have a packet of kit & kin nappies just in case but try avoiding them. I use cheeky wipes too and he's obsessed with sucking them so nappy changes are not fun!

Oh also- forgot to say, as well as reprimanding poor behaviours, remember to praise positive behaviours to help reinforce them. So if he is playing nicely, gives you a lovely hug, looks at a book independently etc. make a massive deal of it and be consistent with this. This approach has paid dividends for me with my 2 yo around getting her to listen to me....

It maybe he just wants to communicate and it’s manifesting in frustration. That isn’t crap parenting, it’s a stage you have to go through together, don’t be so harsh on yourself - despite all the books available there is no manual for the completely unique child you have. Just be sure to reinforce and fuss over good behaviour more than bad so it doesn’t end up a cycle.

What do you do / say when he's kicking off / screaming / hitting?

At that age you need to be grey rock for tantrums - just completely ignore or better just talk as if he is behaving nicely - so calm, low, slightly jolly. Try to distract.

As soon as he breaks off, jump on that and HUGE praise / cuddles for calming down.

If he's hitting / head butting again stay calm but short sharp 'No!' we don't hit etc. Then again, try to ignore / distract. If he keeps going, say 'No!' again and then try to ignore / move away / turn your back for a short while so he understands that behaviour will mean you remove attention completely.

Again, as soon as he returns to nice behaviour, massive praise.

It's a horrible age but you do need to come up with a strategy and stick with it so he 100% knows what to expect and gets NO attention for bad behaviour and LOTs of attention for good.

I will be the first to admit he has had far too much tv recently. He's obsessed with Peppa Pig and I am trying to work from home with him here with me. It's so hard. I need to cut back, definitely.

The thing that helped me the most when my twins were this age (and that I must remind myself of now that my DD is 19 months) is that they have basically no impulse control until they're about three. So, they may know that hitting is unkind or that they shouldn't throw things, but they literally can't stop themselves. All you can do is remind them, model your expectations, and be firm, clear and consistent. My DD doesn't hit (although I imagine she will at some point) but her tantrums are intense and frequent. She is wearing me out at the moment, particularly because her sleep is still crap, but I know she'll grow out of this eventually. I agree with PP that the inability to communicate verbally is a big contributor to their rage.

Try a screen detox. Best things is to go cold turkey for a couple of days (tough- best to plan activities to keep out of the house/busy as much as possible, or to lie and say the TV is broken). Then go no-screens for a week or so and you may well see an improvement in behaviour. Improvement has been really rapid when I've done this with DD. After he's used to no TV you can reintroduce at specific times of day so you can get stuff done. This part was tricky- I had to pre-warn when the TV was going off and I told her that if she kicked off there'd be no TV tomorrow (dependent on understanding- mine seemed to get this after it happened the first time and I spent all next day saying, 'No TV today because it made you upset yesterday'. Now I say, 'Enough TV' and she accepts that.)

It sounds normal, but the violent behaviour shouldn't be tolerated. A very firm NO! And a timeout if applicable (some kids are too young for timeout)

My DS has done most of those things and he went through a really irritating phase on head butting me in the crotch. Mine doesn’t sleep enough despite my best efforts and is physically very capable but speech is delayed. It got better when he went to preschool at 2 but worse again during lockdown.
Try and ignore the bad stuff and really praise the good and they do grow out of it. Distraction often works. Exhausting them is hard when you’re already exhausted.

I recognise some of these behaviours in little ‘un and nephew when they were that age, but both grew out of it. No discipline, just used the ignore and distract strategy advised by HV. It does work, but appreciate it’s hard to always have the energy to distract. I’m sure you are doing a fantastic job- don’t let these behaviours worry you, all part of growing and learning.