To say having a baby right now is not a good idea

[Sparrow234]

DP and I have DS - 8 months. It’s not been a great 8 months to be honest. DS has multiple severe allergies, reflux that has required several stays in hospital due to it playing havoc with him. Birth was early/ traumatic and so on.

Anyway we definitely want one more child. DP wants to start trying again now / soon so that they are close in age and we are done with the baby stage sooner. I had planned a coil but I’m not opposed to another baby.

I have EBF DS and I have co - slept/ bed shared since 4 months - although he does now mostly sleep in his own cot.

We’ve talked it over and actually I’m not bothered if we have another baby now or wait a couple of years - I definitely want another and I think both ways have pros / cons.

Here’s where the dispute is. DP has said he thinks we should combination feed the new baby so it’s not so much on me. I said I am adamant I want to BF but agree I need a break and some time with current DS so I would express and he could give a bottle occasionally once breastfeeding is established.

Co-sleeping has impacted our relationship and he’s never wanted to but it was the only way I could ever get any sleep.

I said as a compromise we could do expressed bottles once baby has learned to latch / breastfeed and I would only co sleep occasionally if they wouldn’t settle / ill / etc and for the main part we would keep to the cot. I thought this was reasonable.

He’s said I can start expressing straight away so that a bottle can be given straight away so they learn both. DS ended up bottle refusing when I tried to express for him. He’s also said he’ll never allow me to co sleep as it’ll be the beginning of the end of our relationship.

I’ve said that if we can’t even agree on these basic things or compromise then we shouldn’t have a baby right now. He then said fine but he doesn’t want to do it in a few years so DS will be it. I’ve told him I want more kids and I don’t know how knowing he won’t will impact our relationship.

Now we’ve had a huge row.

Who is being unreasonable?

I think you’re both sleep deprived and stressed.
I don’t think either of you are unreasonable. I ff and my ds was in a cot. I’m not mad on the idea of co sleeping so appreciate your dh’s view. Having said that as you’re bearing the brunt of the workload it seems batty for him to dictate how you should feed your child.

I’m a little confused about why these issues are connected to having another baby. You can ebf and cosleep and have another!
I also think you’re both a bit batty for trying to establish rules for a baby who hasn’t been conceived yet! What if the baby won’t latch or hates to co sleep?
Tbh it sounds like you’re driving each other mad and that’s not a great start to round two. Having said that he’s being a petty dick for saying you can’t have more kids unless it’s right now in his terms.
I think you both need to think about what is actually important and what’s the bottom line. If he can’t bear the idea of a 2yr + gap then you need to talk about what happens if ttc doesn’t work in this time. I think you also need to accept that his wife wanting to bedshare with a baby rather than him isn’t his ideal and upsets him. What REALLY MATTERS to each of you? I think you need to both think bigger picture and not focus so much on details and things you may not be able to control.

If I couldn’t BF I would FF - but I think BF is best and I’ve enjoyed it and don’t have any issues with it so I would atleast try to BF the next one - why not?
In an ideal world baby would sleep peacefully in a cot - the reality is this didn’t happen with DS and I did what I needed to do for DS.
We both work but I took a year on maternity so I’m still off. He provides and I do baby stuff. We are financially secure so we can afford another maternity leave. My career is my domain so it’s always been a case of I can take as much or as little leave as I want. I’d want to be off for the year again. Whilst I enjoy work I want to take every opportunity to enjoy DC.

I guess It’s the rules that bother me. I just want to do whatever I need to do but he wants to be certain there won’t be bedsharing etc and I think it’s silly to make promises when we have no idea what life will be like. I’d be making empty promises if I agreed and then it’s going to be war with a newborn and a toddler and that doesn’t seem all that fun.

It’s so difficult. He’s a fantastic father and I love him very much. He loves DS more than anything and is brilliant with him. He provides and does his fair share at home. We do the same job so when I go back things will be equal ish. I would hate things to go tits up because of this but I don’t want to give in on things I think are really important because I’ll resent him.

He is being unreasonable to insist that you should start expressing from day 1 - IME it's hard enough establishing breastfeeding without worrying about expressing too (personally I found expressing a lot harder than breastfeeding, although I know that's not the case for everyone).

He is also being unreasonable to insist on no co sleeping - unless of course he's offering to be responsible for settling the baby to sleep every time, once you've finished feeding? That might work.

You are being unreasonable to say that you need to agree these things before you can TTC for another baby, and he is being unreasonable to say that if you don't TTC now then that's it. It sounds like you were both being cross and spiteful by that point?

Your dh is being unreasonable. He sounds controlling, always telling you what you have to do with your body.

Your dp is being controlling and unreasonable.

You can't mix feed a new born, they'll get nipple confusion. Expressing is not going make your life easier, as it takes more time to express than it would to bf, and it will mess up your supply, especially in the early days.

Bf is best for your baby with allergies.

Him putting his foot down about co sleeping is making me furious on your behalf.

I would NOT be having another baby right now, if at all with this man.

You are being unreasonable to say that you need to agree these things before you can TTC for another baby,

What? Why is that unreasonable? Surely that's just sensible 🤔

Firstly if your breastfeeding you may not get pregnant, depending on your body. I stopped at 6 months and periods then returned and got pregnant with DS was 9 months.

I think your DH saying it's now or never is blackmailing you, giving you an ultimatum which isn't fair.

I also think to say co sleeping is the end of your relationship is so dramatic, everyone has to make sacrifices if deciding to have a child and it's for a limited period of time.

I think you both need to have a sit down chat and try and discuss your options again

I think the fact that you can’t agree is a sign that now might not be the right time for a baby.

Just a comment on the idea of bottle feeding a breast fed baby. Both mine refused bottles totally (son took them for about 4 weeks and the. Just stopped). I tried everything but in the end it wasn’t worth the stress on everyone. So I don’t think any decision can be made based on the baby accepting a bottle, because they might not.

I think any agreement, about parenting, before a baby is born is all but worthless. Anything could happen. As you say bedsharing May become a reality if the baby won’t settle elsewhere. I disliked bed-sharing but did it for a few weeks with my daughter when she literally wouldn’t sleep anywhere without me.

You can't mix feed a new born, they'll get nipple confusion

of course you can. I did.

I wouldn’t have a baby when I still have a baby. I wouldn’t want to be potentially breastfeeding two different age children. I wouldn’t consider it if current child wasn’t sleeping through in their own bed.

I don’t really understand what your husband’s hurry is. His reasoning makes no sense.

@AntiHop of course you can mix feed a newborn, I did very successfully

He is being unreasonable and a bit controlling.

If you want to breastfeed Then you should. There is no benefit to mixed feeding in the early stages. You have to express or breastfeed - no time saved for you. It is like adding in an extra step. There are other thing DH can do like take over bath times. Expressing was really slow for me. I did it occasionally when DS was small and then when I went back to work. It was much quicker just to feed him.

As for co-sleeping, what is his issue? You should be able to play it by ear. If you end up needing to do it for your sanity you do what you need to do, even if it isn’t your first choice. We had a bedside cot so baby was on my side. DH was still able to sleep with us,

I found my periods returned once DS went on to solids at 6 months. I continued to BF until he was 3.5 yrs.

He sounds controlling, always telling you what you have to do with your body

I knew this would be the big standard knee jerk reply from everyone on here 🙄

As far as you're all concerned, dad should provide endless support, never complain, never have a say in baby's routine or how they're fed (even if it affects him do), care for baby whenever asked alongside work, and pay for everything.

There are very few arenas in life where men are downtrodden but I think this is one of them if I'm honest.

Your husband is being silly. Your baby is only 8 months. If you have another talk in 9 months and aim to try soon after that. Your baby will be under 2 years old. Let him sulk it out I’m sure he will change his mind.

The whole exclusively breast fed co sleeping situation sounds horrific and massively oppressive. It makes me grateful I’m not having kids now. It sounds like you’ve had a rough few months. Your partner is clearly trying to think of a solution which will offer you lots of support. Good luck with what you decide.

I think when you're bearing the brunt of th workload he's no right to dictate to you how it's done. You've offered compromises, hes issued demands.
If you cant agree then it's no baby.

Of course you can mix feed from birth. I did, well from when dd was about 10 days old I did and I really see the benefits, especially when you already have a quite young child. Is your dh sleeping in the spare room? Do you think he's envisioning several years there if you continue to co sleep now and then again with a new born? If so I think he has a point, particularly when it's affecting your relationship.
The thing I really don't understand is his massive objection to waiting a year or so. Having two under two is hard (I did it!)and YANBU at all to say no until you've resolved these issues.

As far as you're all concerned, dad should provide endless support, never complain, never have a say in baby's routine or how they're fed

That's because a man can not dictate when a woman has another baby, of she breast feeds or not, and he can't "not allow" her to co sleep. Once they grow breasts and can breast feed, or can grow a child inside them, then they get a say. Until then, yes, they should just provide support. Fine for him to say he doesn't want anymore children, but he does not get to demand it happens now or never, or demand that the op gives up breast feeding or combi feeds.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

So a man's only right is to say he doesnt want any more? And even then if contraception fails, must unwaveringly do all of the above all over again?

Ultimately it is a woman's choice whether to breastfeed as it is her body, but seeing as dad shares the bed as well, his opinion should matter on that one.

When I breastfed my daughter I was a wreck. Tired, cranky, didnt like feeding in public. DP (gently) encouraged me to switch to the bottle so he could help more. So I did when she was 5 months old and it was so much better. Sometimes you need somebody looking in on the situation to say it isnt working and free you from your mum guilt.

Men are like doctors and midwives on MN, everything they say and do is evil & controlling 🙄

Ah OP sleep deprivation is so awful.

For what it's worth, I started expressing at day three at it was a god send. Well defo do the same in future. Baby had one bottle of expressed every day so that I could go to bed early and DP was on shift. Friends of mine that waited until 6-8nweeks to try a bottle never had any success and baby refused x

Ask him to do as much reading, learning and research about breastfeeding as you have, and to look at it from centering the baby's and your perspective, not his own. Then thrash out what has been difficult for him about co-sleeping. I know my dh would have fought against co-sleeping, and at the time I prioritised his feelings. Now I think I would push for a side by side cot.
But you should ttc I think if you want another.

@AntiHop

Your dp is being controlling and unreasonable.

You can't mix feed a new born, they'll get nipple confusion. Expressing is not going make your life easier, as it takes more time to express than it would to bf, and it will mess up your supply, especially in the early days.

Bf is best for your baby with allergies.

Him putting his foot down about co sleeping is making me furious on your behalf.

I would NOT be having another baby right now, if at all with this man.

Of course you can, plenty of women express and BF. It's brilliant as shares the pain of less sleep and means you can have dates nights as you can have a babysitter. Utterly ridiculous to say you can't

OP never refused to having another baby. OPs husband kicked up a fuss from when she stated if they can’t agree on the basics... which is true! The husband then escalated the argument by saying they are now sticking to the one child

Thanks for replies ... some interesting perspectives. He’s fine with a side cot. He knows I won’t co-sleep forever as I’ve just about completely moved current DS into own cot now at 8 months. I don’t think co sleeping is affecting our relationship - DH sleeps in the bed with us still (unless he’s had a drink then the spare room). DS is in his own bed either completely or sometimes in the small hours if he won’t settle after a feed or if he’s waking lots to feed I’ll let him in my side of the bed. I know for a fact it doesn’t wake DH because he wakes for his alarm in the morning and says oh hey when did you get here to DS. I don’t really get what the issue - we get an evening together etc.

I had a shit time with BF in the early days but I think next time or would be easier as I would know it gets better.

2 under 2 is perhaps not ideal but who knows when I’d fall pregnant and although tough now a small age gap may be easier in the long run.

My mum is retired so I have plenty of support.

Hopefully he sees sense and compromises with either waiting or being more flexible.

His rush is because he is approaching 40 and wants to have the kids whilst he’s able to keep up with them, I do understand that. Age is not so much a concern for me as I’m 10 years younger.

@Wolfgirrl

Bingo, the man only gets to say he doesn't want anymore children, and then had to take the necessary precautions to make sure no more children are conceived of that's his choice. He does not get a say in anything that has to do with the woman's body, or wether she breastfeeds. He may sleep in another room if he doesn't want to be woken. I'm not sure what you found confusing about my post.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

So what can dads have any say over in their child's life? Or is it just a case of stumping up the cash and keeping quiet?