To wonder if chores should be an expectation of kids?

[veejayteekay]

Not sure if this is the right forum but tends to be more active than other spaces so feel free to suggest a different space

No agenda or judgement behind this but just genuinely curious...what are people's views on whether children should be expected to do chores round the house? Do you expect yours to? If so what age do you think is appropriate? How did you come to this view?

If you don't believe in them why not?

My kids have two different kinds of chores. Everyone has a job in our house because everyone is expected to pitch in. No payment, and no big song or dance about it. Just because it's what households do.

Then they have pocket money chores. They can chose them, and how many they do, on a 4 week rota. It's up to them how many they do and which ones they do (they all have a value on the jobs board) and even if they do any.

My DC (9&11) are expected to keep their rooms tidy including hoovering and make their bed daily, dirty washing in the basket and clean washing away, set the table, wash and wipe up and feed the cats. Over lockdown, they have also learnt to fully change their own beds, use the washing machine, cook very simple meals/bakes, garden, cut the grass and clean the bath and sink. Both will sweep and hoover communal areas when asked. No money for these chores as 1) I am teaching them to be independent (especially my son as no woman would want a lazy, mummys boy manchild) and 2) its their home and they will respect it and contribute to its running. I'm also a fulltime working single parent so I cannot physically do everything alone.

We were discussing this just the other day with DS (21).

None of mine had chores growing up. Our reasoning is that you only get one childhood and, actually, will spend the majority of your life doing chores. However, we have instilled in them a sense of duty towards the family as a whole. If they’re asked to help it is expected to happen without argument. If they cook it is expected they will wash up. They had to keep their rooms tidy and ever so often we’d do it together and have a real sort out.

But that’s part of being in a family as far as we’re concerned. You pitch in when asked.
In Y13 they have to cook for the family once a week but that’s not a chore so much as a life skill.

It is a team effort although often met with defiance. I think it is important to teach DC how to muck in.

Mine don't do any chores. but our homes very clean and bedrooms spotless because I like to keep it nice. They wouldn't clean it to my standards 😂 they take the bin bag out if asked and put stuff in the washing machine but I'm picky. For example my partner cleaned the top of the oven after I cooked yday and did a shit job because hes useless (not really) so I had to redo it or it would bother me. My son wouldnt dust his room to mummy's standards 😂😂 sounds so bad I know 🙈

I should of put kids are neat so its kept nice!

Interestingly, I don’t consider putting toys away a chore. It’s what you do when you’ve finished with something. Likewise, putting dirty washing in the laundry basket - where else would it go?

@Chocoholic12

Mine don't do any chores. but our homes very clean and bedrooms spotless because I like to keep it nice. They wouldn't clean it to my standards 😂 they take the bin bag out if asked and put stuff in the washing machine but I'm picky. For example my partner cleaned the top of the oven after I cooked yday and did a shit job because hes useless (not really) so I had to redo it or it would bother me. My son wouldnt dust his room to mummy's standards 😂😂 sounds so bad I know 🙈

How will your son grow up to be any less useless than your partner if you do everything for him?

Genuine question.

Everyone in tye house mucks in with what needs doing. Noone has explicitly states chores.
How else do kids learn stuff? Should I just chuck them out at 18 andcexoe tvthem to keep house when the cleaning fairy has done it all at home?
Pocket money is seperate to helping out.

No "chores" but everyone helps to successfully run the house e.g. 3 year old gets her & her 2 year old brother drinks as needed, puts away own toys, makes bed, loads own cups/plates/cutlery in to dishwasher etc. Trying to instill same into her brother but mostly so far he just runs around the house throwing and breaking things ....he will put his shoes on if asked so, baby steps 😂

What exactly is a chore?
My DDs do a range of household tasks. Essentially I'm trying toteach them to be responsible for their own belongings. I help as required... For example my 7yo can't reach to hang her dresses up in her wardrobe so I'll do that for her... But I also don't expect her to pull them all down when choosing. I don't help my 9yo with her dresses as she is taller... But I help make the bed (as in new bedding, not every morning!) As it's a double and tricky.

I think encouraging independence is good in the long run, but rs not necessarily just chores... It's a range of things that learning Ife skills is part of.

Mine have always done chores - whether it was helping tidy up the toys or unloading the dishwasher. The expectation is that they help - they'd really rather not though!

I think so but today I was told off and basically made out to be the worst mother ever because "your kids do everything" when I moaned that they had put something away in a stupid place that it had never been in the entire time we have lived here and I was fed up of them doing half a job like taking their clothes upstairs and leaving them outside their rooms so I trip over them when I go up there.

I was venting to who I thought was a friend but now I'm apparently wrong and my kids will resent me for teaching them how to change their bedding and fold washing and operate a Hoover. Hell im glad I didn't tell her they have cooked tea before! Even though they asked if they could cook!

I came to this view after ds1 was born, I vowed that he wouldn't make a useless husband, unable to pull his weight or do his fair share.
For normal DIY jobs and house maintenance not be beyond him.
So he didn't have to spend his hard earned money paying for what he could do himself.
Then, we continued with his siblings.
We think it was worth it, the two eldest have their own homes now and have renovated others before, and dil's are more than happy with their contribution, as husbands and father.
I think we owe it to our kids to prepare them for life, it starts as soon as they can put a toy in a box to help to tidy up.
At 11 if nt they should be able to do most things. Or at least on the way age appropriately.
Tbh, we failed a bit with dd as didn't push her with the domestics the same and she isn't as good as her siblings. Although, she isn't useless and will do most things now, just not to the same standard as her brothers.

Yes, absolutely. But I don't like them being referred to as "chores" - running a house is a team effort.

Children should absolutely do age-appropriate chores - starting with things like setting the table, sorting laundry, tidying their rooms, then slowly progressing so they take more responsibility and do more important jobs - laundry, cooking the occasional meal, loading/unloading the dishwasher, feeding pets etc etc.

Personally I think it's just part of being a responsible parent - raising your children so they're able to run a home, do housework and cook for themselves is part of your job!

Yes, it builds self reliance and confidence.

The basic principle is that you take care of your own stuff and do a share of the work.

I can't bear being in a household where one person is working in the garden or kitchen and the rest of the household is elsewhere, sitting on their bottoms. If there is work to do, we all muck in - in ability appropriate ways.

And no one should have to pick up after other people. Ideally, past a certain point everyone tidies their stuff away. puts their own socks in the wash basket, and plate in the sink etc.

Obviously adults do far more, but the children do what they can.

It's much easier if you start them young!
Mine are teens now and over lockdown were expected to cook a family meal once a week and help with one cleaning job each per week (vac downstairs or clean 2 bathrooms for example.)
These are life skills. You aren't doing either them or their future partners any favours if you don't teach them about family responsibilities from an early age.

Mine do chores and always have done. I want them to grow up to be competent adults and I want an easy life. Win win.

Absolutely I don't see why you wouldn't.

Some people will day their child didn't do anything but managed to learn how to hoover/iron/wash clothes when they left home just fine. Which is great but it isn't the point to me.

It's not about teaching kids how to physically do things like work the hoover imo. It's more about getting them to contribute to the household they are part of and not expecting someone else to run around doing everything for them. It's about being part of a team and a family.

The last thing I want is any child of mine, and let's be honest, it'll likely be sons, moving out after having me do everything and just finding another woman to do everything for them.

Yes absolutely, they live in the house so they should play their part in an age appropriate way.

It helps them build necessary skills for the future and most importantly teaches them that they shouldn't expect that other people will always clean up after them/do the stuff they don't want to do

You see a lot on here about lazy entitled teenagers that won't lift a finger to 'help' even if they are nagged and cajoled. But why would they accept the new dynamic when mum (or dad) has been their skivvy for their whole life? Of course you'd battle against it if you were in their position!!

Unfortunately these lazy entitled teens grow into lazy entitled adults who either get a nasty shock when they face life in the real world, or worse just find someone else to be their skivvy....

yep. Two tweens here and a full time working single parent. Its not easy and its very tempting just to do it rather than have the "its not my turn" "its not my mess", "why do I have to.." but as pp have said, I want them to see it not as "helping" me, but as doing their part in the household they live in. The "but its not my..." is always met with, ok then, I'll just cook my own dinner then, and buy stuff just for me and only wash and iron MY clothes. I get an eye roll and slightly stampy feet but the job gets done (nothing much yet, just emptying dishwasher, taking laundry up and putting it away, a bit of lawn mowing, clearing up spills etc) They have been setting the table and taking their own plates through for years. My hope is that in th next 2-3 years as they become more capable they can genuinely become autonomous and get the hamg of seeing what needs doing.

Absolutely, everyone who lives in this flat has to be part of running it.

Hes only five but with a bit of guidance he strips the bottom sheet from his beds, puts his dark/light laundry in the correct washing basket, puts his clean clothes away, empties the bottom of the dishwasher, clears his plates etc and puts them in the dishwasher, vacuums and tidies the pets toys away. He makes his own breakfast when it isn’t a school day and he’ll tell me if there are any spills he can’t reach, he usually makes me help dinner even if its just getting pots and pans out of the cupboards. He can make roti pretty much independently, obviously I would never let him use the actual pan without me being there.

Obviously he does them to a five year olds standards, but that isn’t important, what matters is that he is learning that he is responsible for his own room and he is learning that everyone in a home has a duty to clean, keep it tidy etc. Yes doing it myself would be easier, quicker and result in a better job, but that would be failing to teach him important life skills.

I don’t give him pocket money for chores, no one pays me to clean my home or do laundry, no one will pay him to do it as an adult so I don’t see why he should be paid to do it as a child.

You should also start them young to take advantage of child labour while you can! He thinks vacuuming is fun, I have a feeling he’ll have a slightly different view of it when hes 14...

SimonJT I found that teaching my 2 DC to cook actually made them safer in the kitchen, because they knew how to use knives properly, among other things.