AIBU to feel sad I don’t have much family?

[SherbertStrawberry]

Just that really. I’m an only child. The only family I have is my DM, my parents separated when I was a toddler and my father and his family never made contact. My mum is also an only child, so no aunts/uncles/cousins. Her parents died before I was born, so I’ve never known grandparents.

I do have a wonderful DH and 2 fantastic kids. On DH’s side, his dad had died before we met, and his mum is distant and we haven’t seen her for 2 years (despite us suggesting meeting up). He has 3 siblings but we never see them, again, not for the want of us trying - his sister announced the week before our wedding she wasn’t coming. They’re all quite similar, and don’t seem to find spending time together important.

I do appreciate what I have, honestly, but as an only child I’ve always been drawn to big bustling families and never have had the chance to be part of one. I have lots of lovely friends but they’re scattered so we mainly communicate via WhatsApp. I do feel envious when they mention huge family gatherings, their DC hanging out with cousins the same age, or socialising with their siblings/in laws.

AIBU?

Me too!!
It's lonely and hard isnt it!!

Recently a very old and dear friend who I don't see as much of anymore (mainly due to distance / work etc) said 'you just need to find your tribe'
It physically hurt, my first reaction was 'but I thought I was your people, - clearly you don't think I am.'

Ive now come to realise I might never 'find my tribe' but I try to be kind and caring to those long distance friends I do still have. Even if sometimes it's not reciprocated, that's ok, maybe it will be in the future when they realise I'm still here and are less busy.

(That sounds really pathetic. Basically I'm saying I hear you!)

I understand op. I really do.

I have more family than you, but no one makes much of an effort. You can't change the dynamics of your families, but you can change your inner circle to ensure you are feeling part of something bigger.

Ways that could help:

Have a big family yourself with lots of children, if there is still time. You can have that big family yourself if you want one.

If not consider fostering to offer babies and children a chance in life

Encourage your friendships to go beyond whatsapp and start meeting up and organising gatherings regularly

Volunteering such as inviting older people for sunday lunch etc, get in contact with agencies that are actively looking for help - you can create your own mini family yourself that way.

Remember that big families look great, but often it is not as rosy as it looks!

Yes, it is tough. I am an only child and have no children so would need a very small table for a family get together. My Mum is 90 and I have an Uncle who is 92. I am taking very good care of my husband

That sounds really tough OP

I’ve got a big family as I have my sister, a niece, a nephew, both my parents are alive, I have two grandparents, three aunts and four cousins. We all see each other a lot and do have the big “family gatherings” that you reference.

My husband on the other hand has a big family but he has no contact with them. The only member of his family that is part of his life is his dad. My DH has a brother, two nephews, a niece, two aunts, two uncles and four cousins but he has nothing really to do with any of them. His brother he only sees at Christmas and there is no contact at any other time, and the rest of his family he hasn’t spoken to in about three years, and that was only because he saw them at a funeral.

Family is a massive deal to me, I love being surrounded by family and knowing my family links and having that support network, whereas family isn’t important to my DH.

He finds it really overwhelming when we go to big family gatherings and finds it a bit strange that we are so active in each other’s lives, whereas I find it really odd that he isn’t bothered about having no contact with his family.

It led to a lot of difficulties when it came to the issue of whether to have a second child or not. He really didn’t want one because he could see no benefit to siblings or creating bigger families (due to having no relationship with his own) whereas I was desperate for one because I wanted for my son what I had as a child (and still do), siblings, nieces, nephews and a bigger family etc.

Some families are super close and others are really distant. I honestly can’t grasp how my
DH’s family are all so non-contact with each other.

Your feelings are totally valid OP. Nothing anyone can say can change your situation sadly, but sometimes it’s nice to know that other people can sympathise with you and let you know your feelings are understandable

Thank you all so much for all your kind replies. It’s really interesting about everyone’s experiences.

Strangely it didn’t really bother me as a younger child - I lived on a street with lots of kids and we were all good friends - but as I grew through my teens (like many teens I went through times where my relationship with my DM could be a bit rocky) and I saw friends with huge support systems with warm bustling households, and felt quite lonely.

My DM is 74 (still working, which I’m glad about as I feel she’ll be a bit lost when she stops - she’s a 2 hour drive away) so has barely seen us this year due to Covid but in normal times we’ll see her maybe 2-3 times a month. She loves our DC but due to work (she works evenings/overnights) we don’t see her more than that.

DH is very sad about his family. His mum is known as Granny (my mum is Nana), and recently our 3yo has been referring to our elderly neighbour next door as Granny as she has no memory of her at all, having last seen her when she was 1. MIL lives an hour away on an easy train journey, and sends cards for DC’s birthdays but has never one single time suggested meeting them, asked how they are, or responded positively to my invitations. There was a sort of cut off from the rest of his siblings when I suffered a MC a few years back, and not one of them even sent a text or called to see how we were - nor did they acknowledge or send congratulations when DD was born the year after. It was very strange, MIL hasn’t addressed it at all, preferring to keep her distance.

I'm in the same situation, I only have DM, DH and DS(16). On DH's side he has 2 older children and a sister and BiL. They all get on well enough and make some effort to meet up, but if something happened to DH I cannot see our interaction going further than a Christmas card.

On the one hand I'm grateful that I'm not part of one of those interminable family wars (there's not really enough of us to fall out!) On the other, I worry that DS could be left with no support until he is able to find a partner and settle down.

Looking on the bright side, writing the Christmas cards is done in no time

I have loads of brothers and sisters. We used to be close but over the years there have been so many rows and arguments. I don’t see any of my siblings, nieces or nephews. My relationship with my parents isn’t great either. My kids don’t know their cousins.

So big families aren’t all they’re cracked up to be!

My extended family can't really be bothered either and a fall out two years ago hasn't helped. I do feel sad sometimes, I'm glad my DC has involved grandparents and will have a cousin the same age.

@Purplepie78 I’m sorry to hear that. I know not all big families are happy families, and the simplicity of a small one can be nice in some ways.

I know you feel sad but it could be a blessing in disguise. At least you can choose your friends.
Families can be very difficult...

I sympathise OP. I have a DH but no children or surviving parents. DH (adopted only child) has no living blood relatives. So my family are my one brother, his one child and partner.

I'm in a similar situation. I have my parents but they live 6 hours away, and although both my husband and I have siblings and 9 nieces and nephews between us, we have no relationship with any of them. We havent seen MIL in over a year, and she doesn't bother with our children.

We don't have a social circle either, so its literally just us and the children, which could be why we now have 5 of them!

Hi op Families are not amazing either. My mam is difficult. I cant trust who saying what to who. Im one of 3. Sometimes I think only children do not have this shite. Husb side are close united 4 of them. Interesting the replies! My mam still bullies me at 47

Agree purple its hard work...

I think extended families are over-rated. What looks from the outside like "big bustling" warmth is actually a lot of duty and obligation, a lot of admin and spending your time travelling around to see people who you wouldn't necessarily choose to see. Personally I'd rather spend my time with my immediate family and friends who I have chosen, rather than people who I know through the accident of birth.

You've got a tight immediate family who love one another and that's probably the most important thing.