DP new shift pattern?

[ComeOnLetsMove]

Looking for advice! I'm anxious.

DP's shift pattern is due to change in the next few weeks. He will go from working standard (but varied) shifts, so things like 9-5, 1400-2200, to working some days standard shifts and some night shifts (like 2000-0400, also will vary).

We have two very young DC. I'm a SAHM. On DP's days working so far, he's not required/expected to do much else around the house when he's home, but he will help by keeping an eye on DC while I prepare food, clean up, use the loo, he's an extra pair of hands to put it simply. It's nice to have that, and him finishing work even as late as 10pm means he wakes up at a normal time, so there's no logistical issue.

I guess I'm just anxious. I'm hoping for advice from people who are or have been in a similar position. I have a basic expectation for how to 'cope', but I'm wondering what time I could reasonably hope for him to wake up after finishing at 5am? I'm not too keen on the idea of DP waking up at 6pm to leave for work at 8pm, but I have to say some of this feeling is because of times in the past where he has opted out of being available to help me for no reason. We've since spoken about that, he's accepted that he was wrong to be so unsupportive and he has promised to do better. I just don't want to feel like I'm being taken for a mug again. So that's why I'd like to know what's reasonable to expect from a partner who has these kinds of shift patterns?

I used to work 2000-0800 shifts five days a week and sometimes go straight to another job for an hour or two the following morning. But that was pre-DC. I don't know what time I'd want to sleep until now if I came home at 8am and had to work again at 8pm. I don't know what to expect at all.

Help!!

Bump!

Ex dp works perm nights doing 6-6 and I have done those shifts before. When dd was tiny and we were still together he would come home, do morning nappy and feed whilst ingot showered etc and then he would go to bed about 730-8 and sleep til about 330-4 he would then get up and showered and have dd whilst i did an early tea.

It might take a couple of rotations but you will find your way. Its jot as scary as it sounds

Thank you I appreciate your perspective. I didn't think about having a bit of help in the morning before he goes to bed.

you need to find a way that works for you guys, but there are tons of work around. If he's doing 2000-0400 then I would expect him home and in bed by 530 and up by about 130-2 and then ve helping with the kids or jobs. That said it depends on what his job is and how wired he is when he gets in. If he's not someone who can go straight to bed then can he put a load of washing in, maybe do a bit of cleaning ie bathroom and maybe some meal prep if you use a slow cooker alot before heading to bed so he is contributing. Then maybe he heads to bed at 630-7 and up for between 2-3 and back helping out.

Might be worth trialing different things. But be open with him that it is jot an excuse to abdicate his family responsibilities. Exdp did that (hence being ez) and it was hideous. I went back to work doing 45-60 hours a week, he did sweet fa and it destroyed us because the resentment was too much.

I'm just so relieved to hear that he should still expect to be helping. Based on how things have been in the past, I can totally expect this to progress with him saying 'he's been at work all night, he wants to come home and chill out, he wants to chill out when he wakes up before work', and then even on the days off he would want to rest and do his hobbies before he goes back. I started to get really anxious just imagining the next few months being just me myself and I when it comes to responsibilities. I was also worried I'd get jumped on here for being selfish, but as it is I don't expect much extra help I just didn't want to end up with absolutely zero help at all.

Don't get me wrong he needs time to chill but so do you. You need to find what works for you guys as a family but he absolutely has to still help out even on days he is at work

We don't have kids but i find DP wakes up around 2.30 on those types of shifts but usually really struggles, he tends to do some small jobs but is not exactly a great conversationalist

My partner has always worked shifts. I’d love him to be on Days but can’t afford to loose shift allowance. He does 6-2, 2-10, 10-6 he has to be there an hour before his shift start time at he’s managerial role. I do find 2-10 the hardest.

After his nights he’ll usually get up between 1-2 and he will do school pick up then ill do drop off in morning etc for all apart from 2-10 where we do it the other way round. His days off he takes over most childcare.

OP,
I hope you have sorted your contraception because it sounds as if you've had children with someone who is happy to leave it to you.
Shift work is certainly not an opportunity to avoid contributing to family life.

Women certainly don't come home and chill endlessly when they work shifts.
Neither do lots of men.

He needs to step up.

He should be able to help when he gets home and before he heads out.

You need to make this perfectly clear.
Also expecting his days off to be for his hobbies is again bullshit.

If you don't want to taken for a mug, don't be.
Pity that he has created a dynamic in your relationship, that that is what you expect from him.

If he’s home at 5 I’d expect him up about 2-3 - basically if the kids were at school he’d do the school run and look after them in the afternoon. The night shifts we used to work were 10 or 11 - 6, so the guys with kids would go home and have family breakfast and take the kids to school then sleep, then be up and about and eat dinner together.
They liked shift work as they got to spend more time with their family than being gone from the house 7am to 7pm, not less. Have you spoken to him? I’m a bit worried as I can see you turning shifts into an excuse to not contribute at home. Many guys who work shifts get to do much more at home than those who work regular days, irs absolutely not an excuse and I expect you to realise that. We have been through this before and I don’t want to again so thought it worth mentioning.

Partner works 7pm to 4 ( buses back though so comes in at 0530) . Straight to bed after a quick cuddle and then awake at 1300 -then we are family between 1300 and 530 he gulps with food housework go for walks etc . However if ever have prob with the 2 girls ( 2 and 1) he happily gets up and helps then may pop for nap after if needed.

Cont - we love the shift as he gets whole afternoons with us all

Thank you for all of the replies. I'm so relieved to see that I can expect some interaction. I absolutely want him to rest and spend time on his hobbies too, I don't think shift work is easy in the slightest. Sometimes it's just easy to feel like a single parent. And Billy yes I absolutely have contraception sorted. I totally get your point.

@timeisnotaline also I haven't spoken to him about it yet. I wanted to bring it up when he gets home later but I started panicking thinking what am I actually going to ask for, and what can I reasonably expect? I'm very glad I checked first. I don't know where I'd be without MN I appreciate your perspective too and I hope you don't ever have to go through that again x

Good for you OP.

Make your expectations clear and don't be bullied.

Also make sure YOU get some down time.

It is critically important fathers spend one on one time with their very young children.

Otherwise the fail to appreciate what it's like!

My dh works continental shift pattern and does most of the housework.
He does get very tired though.