Functioning alcoholic mum

[Planetneptune]

My mum is a functioning alcoholic and has been since I can remember.
She used to drive drunk with me and my sister in the car when we were young around primary school age. I have came home on numerous occasions after school when I was younger with a friend to find my mum in bed drunk at 15:30 in the afternoon. I say functioning as she has always worked and appeared relatively normal to everyone else. Any time we are at a family celebration of any kind she gets so drunk that she can’t speak/ends up falling all over the place.
She still to the present day stashes empty wine bottles in her drawers and thinks she is hiding it from the family very well. Whenever I come home in the evening I see her jump and hide her drink through the window before I come home.
She has in the past drank a bottle of vodka I had in the house for a party and replaced it with water thinking I wouldn’t notice.
It’s a serious problem. The most notable was three years ago I went on holiday with her and my stepdad and a wider group to Malta and one evening we decided to all go for a meal and mum had been drinking cocktails all afternoon. It got to 7pm and we went and sat down for our meal - then she sat slumped at the table and was sick all over herself because she was so pissed. I wanted enter the ground to swallow me up. Any time she has a drink it triggers me so badly. She used to drink and tell me and my sister she wanted to kill herself when we were young and she did this again last night.
I have confronted her before about her alcohol abuse and she admitted she drank too much but it was never discussed again. She doesn’t seem to have any desire to help herself and so I’m at a point where it’s actually damaging to my mental health to be so triggered by her all the time and her inability to prioritise her health.
Am I being unreasonable in not bringing this to her attention again or does she have to want to change?

That sounds awful. If she thinks she is hiding it well, perhaps she needs a wake up call to know how badly this is affecting you. Do you live with her?

Yeah I do love with her at the moment. It’s really hard because I love her a lot but I also have so much internalised anger toward her for what she’s put me through from such a young age. I have felt like an adult my whole life like I never felt young or carefree because she would get so drunk and then spill all her adult worries on to me. I have such bad anxiety as an adult because of this. I am hoping to be in a financial position to move out very soon and I am trying to get there as quick as I can because I just can’t stand it here anymore.

OP I do understand what you're going through. Somebody must want to change in order to change but that doesn't have to stop you repeatedly telling her your concerns and that you think she needs help. Where are your siblings and step father in this?

I am speaking as someone who is and has been in a very similar situation to you OP.

My mum has also drank since I can remember. My grandmother was an alcoholic, of the binge drinking kind, whereas my Mum is a full blown functioning alcoholic. Most of my memories of visiting are of her being drunk.

It came to a head for me a couple of years ago. I too, am an alcoholic because growing up (although I didn't live with my mum) that was representative of what drinking was and was what I believed to be normal, which it clearly isn't. I have been to meetings and worked hard in therapy and self help to curb my drinking, and even now with all that help and knowing I have a problem I still slip up. My mother is a huge trigger for this.

After multiple times discussing my mothers drinking with her and suggesting she stop to save her health, and the way it affected my own mental health and issues with alcohol I had to actually cut her out of my life to an extent. Just having a text conversation with her would sometimes push me into a relapse.

The last time I spoke with her properly I said if she wanted to physically see me and my kids again she would have to make sure she was sober. That didn't stop her. Multiple people have brought it up with her over the years and no one has managed to make her see how bad it is. She got fired a few years ago for being drunk on the job and told everyone she retired early, from a career she worked so hard to get and had NEVER let drinking affect. It still wasn't a big enough wake up call for her.

She has to want to change OP and nothing you say or do will push her to do it unless she actually recognises herself that she has a problem. - because I know how hard it is to accept that.

Have you considered counselling to talk about your childhood OP? Like you, my mother used me and my sisters as emotional crutches and would put everything bad that happened in her past on our shoulders. It is a lot to take.

You’ve described my mother. No amount of intervention or incentives made a difference. She only stopped when you died (drank herself to death).

Thank you all for getting back to me.
It’s such a hard time. It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that she will probably be like this for the rest of her life.
I am living here at the moment to save money but being around her literally ruins my mental health I feel like shit being here. I am half tempted to just leave without the finance behind me because I’d rather have less and not be so triggered every day.
She refused to acknowledge anything at all but that extends to wider life in general she just cannot hold any form of conversation that provokes emotion. She sees everything as a confrontation and so I have to internalise absolutely all of this through fear of upsetting her!
My sister has her own life really and has given up I think. My step dad has never acknowledged the problem and let’s her drink herself in to oblivion and pretends there’s no problem which is one thing I hate about him - he doesn’t even bother trying to help he just has his perfect life and job where he works away and as long as he’s ok then all is well in his world.

I have been through counselling for my anxiety and depression but we mainly talked about coping mechanisms and not the root cause. I feel like I may need to air everything to someone professional about the details because I often remember things from my childhood that make me really upset and I feel like it’s not been dealt with.

You may benefit from having a look at Al-anon. There are numerous online meetings at the moment.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Take care

OP you need to find a way of leaving now. I grew up with an alcoholic mother too. I also have always had terrible anxiety issues. Have you contacted Alanon? There are other places to receive counselling as a relative of an addict/alcoholic too depending on your area. It’s so hard I think to prioritise yourself and as children of alcoholics we find this especially difficult. Please do though and look after yourself. You cannot help her you are powerless to do so. But you can help yourself and you deserve a better life.

Op, you need to move out now, you know you do. This is no way to live. You can't help her, but you can help yourself. I think counselling will really help, as will putting some distance between you.