To feel there is simply no solution to this

[toolateat48]

Hi everyone
Firstly a plea – both to MNHQ and anyone else who is in two minds about this post. I am NOT a troll. I am a long-time reader (and fan) of MN but never posted until a few months ago when I plucked up every ounce of courage I had. Unfortunately this resulted in my post being taken down and my account suspended – when you read my story I hope you can realise how devastating this was for me as it cost me so much to post in the first place. So please, hear me out and don’t report me. I have changed both my email and my username due to this, just to inform those who may look into it.

I’m a 48 year old female professional with a history of an abusive childhood, mental health problems and a long, long history of therapy and medication. I have worked long and hard on my issues but have come to the point where I can no longer live with a) the inability to go back in the past and change things and b) the inability to do anything about them in a future.

To keep things as short as possible, due to the way my mother was treated I vowed to never, ever let a man control my life. Unfortunately I took this to the extreme in that I have never DTD or even had a relationship. I am so consumed with shame I was only able to admit this in RL this year to a therapist. She was lovely and helped me to realise how it was a form of extreme protection that I’d built around myself.

I do understand it better now but I still can’t live with it. I can’t live with the fact I can’t go back and undo all those wasted years. I can’t live with the fact that I am too terrified and too old to start now. I don’t even want a relationship but I don’t want to die this way either.

A huge part of me just wants to ‘get it over with’ but how? I’m terrified. As I said, I don’t want a relationship. I’ve considered sexual surrogacy therapy – even swinging! But now coronavirus seems to have shut down every single avenue for me. Plus, as I’ve said, I’m absolutely petrified.

I don’t know what to do or where to turn. I feel absolutely tormented and irreparably broken. I fantasize about characters in films and books and wish they could whisk me away and make it alright for me – like a lovesick teenager!

I’m completely caught between the past and the future, I’m suffocating, I’ve lost the present. Everything I see or hear is acting as a trigger.

I’m serious when I say any suggestions are gratefully appreciated. I can’t carry on like this and my therapy has finished (just one more session in August).

If you’ve read this far I’m beyond grateful. And please, please don’t report me or take me down

I’m so very sorry that you feel this way. I really can’t offer much by way of help other than to suggest that you tell your therapist exactly what you’ve said here or to go back to your GP and tell him/her exactly what you’ve said here.

I’m not sure that AIBU is the right place for your post.

Good luck OP and I really hope that you get the proper help and signposting that you deserve.

If you don't want a relationship, you really don't have to have one.

Try to make peace with that.

Thank you so much for your quick replies 1Morewineplease and WorraLiberty :-)

I know AIBU isn't exactly the right place but I was hoping for as much traffic as possible.

WorraLiberty - I think I have made my peace with that. But I'd like to try 'other things' but feel embarrassed and shameful saying that, also have no idea where to start. Especially in current climate.

thank you again

I'm sorry your previous thread got taken down, that must have been so hard for you.

Please try to ignore any nasty posts (there are some on e wet thread - don't take it personally!)

48 is NOT too old, not at all.

You don't have to have a relationship if you don't want one x

It's easy enough to find someone to have sex with, it really is. BUT in your situation you might want to take a bit of time to find a man that will take it slowly & gently and that's maybe not so easy to do outside of a relationship and, right now, isn't the best time to be meeting up with randoms!

But sex definitely isn't just for the young!

Never too old!

Have you ever tried online dating, must be better than going straight into swinging.

Getting to 48 without having a relationship or sex is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s your life story- what’s happened to you to make you who you are today. Absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, everyone lives their lives differently according to their upbringing and life experiences.
You have plenty of time to experience new things! If you don’t want a relationship, that’s ok! Seek what makes you happy- try to worry less about what others think. You are you and you never need to apologise or feel ashamed of that.
If you want to try sex or sexual experiences then that is completely your choice. Go for it but I would say you need to find someone who will take things slowly and usually a relationship of some sort is the way to go about this (even a casual relationship)
Online platforms arnt all horrid. Shop around as I’ve had a few friends recently have very positive experiences meeting people

I was in a similar situation.

It sounds trite but with the right person it really does just happen naturally and all the stuff you felt shame and fear and panic about actually does just slip away.

I don’t suggest you just reduce sex to the act of penetration to get it over with.

A relationship would be the best bet, truly. You can still sign up for online dating, get to know people over the phone, Zoom etc and socially distanced meet ups. Some walking, cycling etc groups are still running and good ways of meeting people.

It’s not over and it’s not unsolvable, I promise .

Sex is not the be all and end all of relationships. I suggest you get to know your own body first, while taking the time to find a nice man who will want you for you not just a quick shag, one who will be patient and understanding. Sorry life has been tough

Also your a and b. Yes you can’t go back. It’s not wasted years. You sound like you weren’t ready for anything relationship or sex wise in years go by? What has brought you to this point? How have you grown and changed in those years. As you can’t go back it does no good whatsoever pulling yourself apart thinking about it. What’s happened has happened- and you only have the present and future now. Make the most of it- you have lots of fab years ahead of you. Make yourself a pact that in 10 years at 58 you will look back at those 10 years and smile at all the wonderful experiences and things you have done. You absolutely do have the ability to change the way your life is. You are mentally on the way as you have posted here! You are a valid person the same as any other woman on this planet. You deserve happiness and you need to reach out and seek it!

OP, you're not alone. I'm 42 and have never had a relationship (unless you count 2 dates when I was 18) or DTD, although this is due to my aromantic asexuality.

You've said you don't want a relationship so please don't let anyone make you think that you're lesser because you've not had one. You have to decide what it is you actually want. Do you actually want to have sex or is it just something you feel you should do? Is it the idea of sex and can you imagine actually being that intimate with someone?

I'm also sorry to hear that your previous post was removed - I'm sure that wasn't at all helpful to your state of mind.

Secondly, there is probably nothing anyone on here can say to erase your feelings of shame, but perhaps (maybe with the aid of a therapist) you can try to be a bit less hard on yourself. No-one can pretend it isn't unusual not to have had sex by the age of 48, but nevertheless it will still be a much bigger deal to you than to a potential sexual partner (and I don't mean to diminish your feelings about it by saying that). If anyone does try to make you feel ashamed for being a virgin, they are the one with the problem, not you.

Thirdly, without meaning to contradict previous posters for the sake of it, I would be wary of using online dating as I think, frankly, there's a higher chance of encountering an arsehole - or, worse, someone who might fetishist your being a virgin and that could be quite damaging. I know many people have met decent guys this way, but equally there are a lot of shits out there (I speak from experience!) who live about what they want and who they are.

I think your sexual surrogacy idea could be worth pursuing. The other thing that springs to mind is whether you have a trusted male friend you might feel comfortable going to bed with? That may help to take off some of the pressure, although obviously would involve you opening up about things you probably haven't previously revealed.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck.

Hi OP

Well done for posting. Ruminating is your enemy - I think a some CBT might be able to help you with that. As @WorraLiberty wisely said - you need to make peace with the life you have lived and the choices that you have made until now. You did what you needed to do to protect yourself and there is no shame in self-perservation.

You may well only be half way through your life at this point - that's a whole other chapter and then some still to come. Think about what you'd like that to look like and how you might feel fulfilled. If you want to try having sex - that's perfectly understandable. Maybe try online dating as I agree a gentle relationship might give you the best 'outcome' but equally if you want to take a more 'practical' approach to trying it for the first time, there are lots of options out there.

I would make finding some 'peace' with the past a priority and thinking about what an 'ideal' six months from now would look like. Try to think in weeks/months rather than years which feels overwhelming.

You haven't blown it. It's not 'all gone' and there is plenty of time. Be kind to yourself.

P.S. I also think that swinging - particularly as a single person - is not for anyone who isn't already sexually pretty confident. Imo it would be a terrible way to try to lose your virginity.

Ah this is so sad to read. It’s not too late at 48. You really don’t have anything to be ashamed of. Celibacy used to be a life choice for many people (increasingly less so, which I think is because we have our noses rubbed in the fact that we should all be having great sex all of the time).

In the not too distant past a whole generation of women lived a single, celibate life because there were so many men wiped out in the war.
So please do not feel that you should be living your life differently to the way you are doing. FWIW I have a great deal of respect for you. IMO far better to show restraint than go crashing from one disaster to another.
Are you asking now how you could go about having a relationship or do you need help in fielding questions or steering questions away from your personal life, because you don’t want to answer them?
The poster above who said don’t reduce sex to penetration is right on the money.
Your best bet really is building a friendship first.

You remind me of someone I know and sex, I think has become a much bigger thing for them (and you?) in their/your mind because of the lack of experience. It then becomes a barrier to cross to get to where you want to be on the other side: fulfilled, independent and in control of your sexuality and relationships with the opposite sex but at the moment you perhaps feel you need someone to help you achieve that and that you can't get that person therefore won't ever get to be that successful, independent, fulfilled woman and then feel overwhelmed, lost and frustrated that your life has gone before you have had a chance to fully participate in it?

Slow done, sister - we are in it for the long haul. You haven't missed your chance for happiness and fulfilment. Your life is not lost. Once you get the right perspective on this you will be able to see that.

But, how can you get the right perspective when your mind and body is screaming from the inside? Make a plan. To date. Just date. Find out what you like date wise. Enjoy them. Get to know men as dates and friends and see if yu actually want to take it further and then you can go from there at the pace you want. But a plan, as someone up thread said ' in ten years time, I want to be...' will help concrete your thinking a bit.

Why don't you set up dates for the experience. Tell yourself sex is off the cards (to take the pressure of yourself) and just enjoy the company.

I think professional help is the way forward.

Are you able to satisfy some sexual needs by yourself? E.g. achieve orgasm through masturbation? This would be my number one priority- know what you like first ( it's often more satisfying).

What are your friendships like? That would be my next priority- building friendships which may lead to something more. Take the pressure of yourself.

Swinging sounds like it is messy and emotionally cold to me. You are vulnerable and need someone to connect with emotionally first.

Another one here!
Avoided relationships following rape as a pre-teen; I kind of think that I would like one, not entirely sure about sex, but it is so hard to imagine where or how to start - and what I would say to explain a total lack of relationship history in my fifties.

@NameChangeABC2020

Sorry to hear that, Name. I think the explanation bit is entirely up to you. I missed out on a lot relationship wise as I had health problems as a child and was determined to travel, etc as an adult and get my independence. I also knew I had a window to achieve all this before the health stuff would kick in as I aged so just focused on that and missed out on significant relationships.

It's life - but you could say you had health issues that took up all your focus that are now resolved until you feel secure enough o share the truth. It's entirely your right and choice to navigate it your way.

Also, OP I think you recognise that you need confidence and good self esteem to navigate a relationship successfully and you need to build onthis from the other areas of your life where you feel this. Instead of saying you wasted that time, why don't you applaud yourself on what you did do - overcome a difficult childhood/took the time to establish boundaries/ became self sufficient and independent - that time wasn't wasted - and then look forward, on opportunities that are ahead of you, not vague ideas of lost chances in the past - that may have led you instead to write on here an unhappy, negative post about being trapped in a relationship where you have recreated the cycle of abuse from your childhood.

Celebrate what you you have achieved - your life has not been insignificant so far!!!!

Hi again,

Firstly I'm really sorry I haven't replied sooner, but I've just been through such a rough patch recently. This issue has just slammed into me with full force and it's been paralyzing at time, creating a mental health crisis on top of other life crap going on right now.

Secondly, thank you so much to each and every one of you for your replies. I can't say how grateful I am for your kindness, suggestions and most of all, non-judgementality. I know a lot of people say MN is harsh at times but I've been bowled over by your repsonses to something that is so desperately painful and shameful to me. So thank you for your time.

@NameChangeABC2020 that is exactly how I feel too. I am so, so very sorry to hear what you went through, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for responding to my post as I can only imagine how difficult that must have been. I hope reading my post did not trigger you x

@serenda, your words are so kind, and I appreciate you drawing a parallel between your own situation mine. it makes me feel less unique.

I am still very much drawn to the surrogacy idea and TBH I feel were it not for bloody COVID I'd bite the bullet and go for it.

For the first time in my life however I've dipped my toe in the dating game and signed up to an online site (with no intention right now of replying to any messages - filling in the form was terrifying enough!!) I wouldn't have been able to do even this without everyone's help here.

I promise to keep you all updated on any (ahem) 'developments'!! So do feel free to bookmark me! But don't hold your breath - if past performance is anything to go by you might be waiting some time!

thank you so much to everyone again. I've felt absolutely crucified with pain recently. You are all wonderful xxxxx

Well done OP. A positive step - even if you don't respond to any messages. Online Dating can be quite brutal, so don't let it put you off the idea of some kind of relationship or sexual experience in the future.

But a good way to see what you find attractive and perhaps 'practice' talking to potential dates....

Keep us posted and I hope you are feeling better soon.

I am so sorry to hear of your struggles. You were dealt a harsh hand.

Honestly, 48 is a fine age to start exploring the world of sex, pleasure, and relationships. It is definitely not too old.

Have you had any sessions with a sex therapist to talk through things? I know you mention therapy or counselling in your OP, but not sure if that is a more general sort.

How is your relationship with your body? Are you at ease with masturbation for example, or are there unhelpful feelings like shame or guilt?

In addition to talk therapy, I'd perhaps look into finding a (reputable) tantra practitioner.

You are absolutely not too old! You CAN have sexual connections and fun and experiences.