schools and DH

[rightmoo]

I'm struggling with my emotions around this and can't seem to move on... hoping for some MN wisdom.

Live in an area with good primary school, average secondary school. I wanted to move to an area with better secondary or go private. My DH did not want to move, we looked at private schools and the one we liked is too far away and husband did not want to move closer either.

DD went to the average secondary school. It's been ok, I've obviously got nothing to compare it to apart from my own private education many moons ago but on the whole it's been fine. Then CV-19 and 3 months of hardly any learning and I'm really struggling with our 'choice' of school. They were already so stretched, I'm not sure how they will cope come Sept, especially around anything extra curricular stuff, which was already pretty sparse.

I just feel so shit that every other parent prioritises the education of their children, yet we just sleepwalked into this. My DH has hobbies that he's pretty obsessed with and its just to hard to have conversations with him about anything else and my attempts to talk about moving/schools never amount to much. He thinks school is fine, doesn't see the issue.

Our neighbours have just put their house on the market to move to the cachement area of a better school and it's set me off again.

Would love some advice on how I can sit with this 'decision' and not feel shit about it for the next however many years. DD has settled in now and doesn't particularly want to move (going into yr8).

If your daughter doesn't want to move and the school is fine if not amazing then I probably agree with your husband

It is a problem if you can't talk to him generally though

Can you just pay for some extra curricula stuff - (im presuming you can afford this as private was in the picture)

It's what your children put into it that matters, my son is going into yr11, incredibly bright, could have gone to grammer etc we can't afford it. So he's gone to our local high school which isn't as great but he works bloody hard and tries his best and is predicted A-A* in all subjects, so I personally think it's down to the individual

Could you arrange extra curricula stuff for your daughter to do in the evenings or on the weekend?
If your DR1 and DH are both happy with your home and the school it's very unlikely you will move so you need to try and find ways to make the best of your situation.

The homeschooling has shown that my DD doesn't put that much into it unfortunately! She's not particularly academic and it's been a huge struggle to get her to do the work school provided. I've also found some exercise books from her primary school and the work looks better than what's been achieved in the past few months, adding to my dismay!

I would pay for extra tuition. It's probably no comfort but not all private schools have handled home schooling well either.

Firstly, you should not have left it at that with your husband. But you know that and it's done.
Question is: what do you want to achieve? A: move DD to a better school? B: get DD a proper education C: resolve the conflict within yourself.

C is the easiest: therapy (this could be just talking with great friends)
B: assess what is missing, what the school provided good and try patching the holes. Or go full homeschooling. There are online schools that could be an option, although if it;s your DD's attitude than that won't help.
A: go full on with your husband. Stand up for what you believe to be right.

I think the other thing is that she was doing quite a bit of extra stuff in evenings etc but all that has stopped too. I know they will restart eventually but feel there will be less options rather than more and I was already running out of things she might be interested in.

@rightmoo

The homeschooling has shown that my DD doesn't put that much into it unfortunately! She's not particularly academic and it's been a huge struggle to get her to do the work school provided. I've also found some exercise books from her primary school and the work looks better than what's been achieved in the past few months, adding to my dismay!

If it helps, this is normal even not in a pandemic! I taught a friend’s child in year 6 - very able, bright girl who did well. She went to a good comprehensive, and when she showed me her English book half way through y7 I was surprised at the level of work she was doing, it was quite basic and clearly the expectation was a bit lower than in primary. Unfortunately I think year 7 is sometimes about getting everyone to a similar level and lots of children don’t progress much that year. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if work produced independently after months off school is not as good as y6 work.

If moving or travelling to the private school really aren’t options for you, can you arrange tuition and extra curricular things which she would enjoy?

Get a good 1-1 tutor!

If she’s happy, making good friends, and is safe at her current school then just put the money you would have used to go private into a tutor and support for her extra-curricular passions.
And give your DH a shake; caring more about your hobby than important family decisions is crap.

If you looked at private then you’re obviously fairly well off - just get a regular tutor to fill any gaps and pay for whatever extracurricular stuff she’s interested in.

@TheSunIsStillShining

Good question, I'm not sure.

Ideally A. But then I worry about taking her out when she's more or less fine with it, in case she's unhappy at new school (it took her a long while to get settled into secondary, was just getting in her stride when Covid happened). Would also mean moving. I have massive organisation problems (awaiting ADHD diagnosis) so I need DH full support with this. I've traditionally been the one to drive these 'life changes' - My DH lives aboslutely in the present (whereas I'm pretty much the opposite) - was ok before kids etc but I'm just not sure I have mental capacity to do all the driving again.

B would probably be best, but again, I find it hard enough to sort out the basics. This lockdown period has really highlighted this!

C - tricky as friends either have kids at school I want to move DD from or are at 'better' schools and I find it so hard to talk to them about anything school-related without feeling so guilty.

I have thought about getting a tutor but have gone round in circles a bit. We've had very little feedback from school - a brief report in Dec - most subjects were average - do people get a tutor for multiple subjects?!

We made the opposite decision and I am now packing up a house I love, in an area that I love. I hope the School is worth it!

It was a really difficult decision, because there were massive pros and cons on each side. So the decision wasn't remotely clear cut.

In the end we prioritised the school and although I think it is the right decision, it definitely wasn't an easy one. If DH and I hadn't been on the same page then it would have been impossible.

Can you go on the waiting list for the better school? Or is it not practical to travel there from your current home?

How about looking at nearby private schools again, then you wouldn't have to move house?

I'd get a tutor for the key subjects- English and Maths - and if there's any subject she's keen on think about that. A few weeks of tutoring is much less expensive than moving to a private school or moving house and they should be able to tell you if she is working to her potential or not, so you'll be much more informed about your next step - whatever that might be.

Growing up I had tutors for literature, maths, english, physics, German and chemistry. Not all at the same time but depending on where I needed help/teacher that year was shit. On average I had 2 tutoring sessions a week and they all set me extra work on top so kept me busy. I was very academic but my school was average (very good in some areas, shit in others, very big so easy to get lost even if you were good) so this is how my parents made up for it.