Is it too late for me to have a life and feel close to others?

[Henn42]

Please I’m needing advice as I’ve just had enough now. I feel depressed a lot all the time. I’ve got a milestone birthday coming up and feel sad I don’t have anyone apart from DH and my young kids (all under 5) to celebrate with.

I’ve been lonely and isolated as far back as I can remember. I only had a few friends in school with whom I have drifted apart over the years as moved away. In university I would sit alone in my room on weekends as people were going out and I’d never get invited and I was too shy to invite myself along.

I spent most of my youth babysitting for my elder siblings and being their go to person in any emergency. I have zero relationship with them now as their kids are older and they have no need for me.

I feel alone and wish I could have friends. I have really tried and have managed to make friends but then I either sub-consciously push them away or things just fizzle out.

I don’t want to live like this anymore. DH is a loner too and kind of encourages my behaviour of being a loner. I wish I had married someone else who would bring out the best in me. In the past when I’ve arranged birthday parties and invited mum friends around he has fought with me and caused so much drama. I now just live in my own little world with the kids. Lockdown obviously didn’t help.

When I got my job several years ago they were all very sociable people and would go out and stuff on team nights. I once went along and felt uncomfortable whole time. I’m not imagining it but they were looking at me obviously noticing my discomfort. I never went out with them again and they never asked me again to be honest.

Yes! You can definitely have the life you want.

Your DH is controlling you a bit - but it may be that he is just scared or likes things to be predictable. He’s obviously part of the problem. No matter, you are the solution.

Go to the library (ok, Amazon for now) and look up self help books on confidence and on sociability and meeting people and making friends. There are loads of tips. YouTube has videos too.

Then do something sociable - join something or just get back in touch with people through Facebook (however random). Don’t be upset just apply normal sociable interactions without too much expectation of response. Gradually the world will start to warm up around you.

One thing- if you can afford or find counselling either yourself or as a couple you should take it. It sounds like there are some older things you might need to explore and reset.

If you want to make friends, you'll need to go with people more than once! Give them a chance. I'm sure nobody was looking at you; do you look at other people when you go out, unless in a vague way, thinking 'I like her dress,' or something? Instead of waiting to be asked, could you initiate a night out? Maybe drinks/lunch at a local pub to celebrate the fact they're open again? Even if two people say yes, that's an outing!
Your husband sounds a miserable sod, not a loner - but I guess you know that. If he doesn't like you having friends around, let him watch TV in his room until they're gone.

@Henn42

When I got my job several years ago they were all very sociable people and would go out and stuff on team nights. I once went along and felt uncomfortable whole time. I’m not imagining it but they were looking at me obviously noticing my discomfort. I never went out with them again and they never asked me again to be honest.

You've got to put yourself out there. The next time you know they're going out, ask if you can go along. You probably felt awkward as you're not used to it. Go every time, never say no! It'll soon feel more natural. Work friends are great, most of my close friends are friends I've met through work.

Can you organise some play dates with other kids and their mums at the park?
If you're feeling like this, you have to make the effort to change.

He shouldn't be causing drama if you want to have people over, that's very controlling of him, my ex was similar and through his behaviour managed to push away my friends. Talk to him about how you want to change things and don't let him stand in your way. Do you think you have social anxiety? I have always had it and take 10mg of citalopram that really helps me. Also when I'm nervous about making friends with other mums I try and put my worries aside and think of my kids, because I think it's good for them to see us socialising. Best of luck op and no never too late.

Thank you everyone for the replies.

Do you think you have social anxiety? I think I do I’ve always thought this. As I feel immensely uncomfortable in social situations even if I’m with DH and kids.

Can you organise some play dates with other kids and their mums at the park? I’m just worried due to covid that they may not want to but feel pressurised if I ask.

Thank you I will explore counselling and YouTube videos.

In terms of work situation I would love to meet up with these people but the women I find quite bitch. Two of them were giggling away asking me “if I’m okay” when I was looking uncomfortable and just whispering to each other. None of them have ever made me feel welcome when I started. I’m starting a new job in 2 months so I’m hoping things will be different - any tips on how i can make friendships in new work? It will be weird as I will be the only one in the deptartment! I will have to be extra sociable if I want to make friends.

What is a milestone birthday? 18? 50? 75?

40

You need some more confidence. Hit those YouTube videos.

Honestly, this can be so different but you must commit to change.

Thank you @PersonaNonGarter

@Henn42 your sadness is very palpable and is leaping out at me. You do sound very upset by this.

Your situation is not unusual, there are many, many similar threads on Mumsnet, I posted on one myself just a few weeks ago and, if I knew how to, I would post a link! There was an awful lot of very helpful advice on that thread which you might find positive and constructive and, I believe, some of the posters now have an active engagement with one another.

I will PM you with the detail, if you don't mind?

OP: "I wish I had married someone who would bring out the best in me" You are the only one who can bring out the best in you. Value yourself and others will value you too.

@DracunculusVulgaris please do, thank you so much!

@IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0 wise words thank you. Yes I need to take responsibility myself rather than wishing I was with an outgoing man.

Also have a milestone birthday and feeling the same way. For me having children really killed my social life and ability to nurture friendships.
Covid isn’t helping either!

Hen happy birthday for your coming birthday!

Do you know what’s really good for building self esteem? Volunteering. I was not in a great place many moons ago and my granny had me volunteering at a charity shop. I wouldn’t be seen dead in one at the time but it really brought me out of my shell. When your helping other people you get so much back. Have a look in your local area - even if you can donate an afternoon.

Your dh shouldn’t have made things difficult for you. That’s unfair and controlling.

Reach out to the other mums. If you get a know it’s not a social snub. I’ve been on many park play dates these past few weeks.

Thank you everyone. I started another thread to specifically address my SA (social anxiety) issues. I am determined to beat this and if anyone else reading wants help with SA join me x