When to start TTC disagreement ish

[StephiW]

DH and I are in a bit of a slight disagreement about to start to TTC.

He wants to wait until September, where as I want to start now. Originally we spoke about it before everything with covid and was planning to go away in September and just leave protection at home, but since everything with covid we're not going anywhere... I have spoken to him and said if we're both ready why not? But he comes out with we've set September and I think we should stick to it.

In my mind I think he believes it's just going to happen on the first try, but as I have heard it's very rare to happen straight away. I also feel like he flits between wanting a baby then not.

This would be our first baby. We're both in secure jobs and have decent savings. I'm 27 and he is 31.

AIBU to want to start now?

Just to add, it seems all I can think about lately, I'm driving myself mad with how much I want a baby.

Maybe he is under the impression that it will happen straightaway. So he wants a little time to be himself, to do his thing (whatever that is) before you get cracking. He's got it in his mind that September is when things start to get serious, not before. Whereas you are saying 'NO! You can't have this time, I want to start NOW'.

It's nearly August as it is - what's the big deal about six weeks?

I see where you're coni g from but just wait. The last thing you want is to feel bad if you get pregnant quickly.

Did you decide you particularly wanted a June baby? Or aren’t you fussed?

It could happen really fast at your age, by the way.

@StephiW sorry what? He flits between wanting a baby and NOT?? The correct time to TTC is not now OR September, it’s when you both actually have known you’ve wanted one for a solid amount of time!!!!

I’d be inclined to start now but it took us 9 cycles at 29 and 33 with no health concerns so

At the same time I know (from the 9 cycles!) that adding pressure to TTC is a recipe for disaster. So as long as you don’t think there’s anything to worry about - like a change of heart more generally - I’d be inclined to leave it and keep it really light with him. Piling on pressure from day 1 just adds to the risk of it becoming a chore (which if I’m honest by the six month mark we were having to battle against!)

When you say leave protection at home, I take it you’re already off hormonal BC and using condoms? If not, would he be open to you coming off birth control and using condoms for the next month or so?

Maybe use these next few weeks/your last cycle to get yourself prepared - there’s plenty you can do without actively trying in order to get yourself into a good place come Sept. Are you taking conception vitamins? Wanting to lose/gain any weight to get into the best BMI? Need to put aside any money? Want a last wild night out with friends just in case it does happen quickly?

Basically, I think you’ve got lots of energy for TTC which is great! But maybe channel that into prepping as best as possible for starting, rather than disagreeing with your partner - and make the most of it just being the two of you while you’re waiting for it to happen

You both need to be ready to start the family, whether that means a few weeks in the difference!
It could happen first try - it happened me and m husband first try but sadly ended after 6 weeks.
Starting a family isn't always straight forward with happiness and smiles - you both need to be prepared mentally for starting a family together in the unfortunate case that something goes wrong.

Unfortunately we weren't mentally prepared and it's taken a lot of healing to get where we are now- including a second loss.

Good luck, you will both know when the time is right.
💐

[quote Galaxycat]@StephiW sorry what? He flits between wanting a baby and NOT?? The correct time to TTC is not now OR September, it’s when you both actually have known you’ve wanted one for a solid amount of time!!!![/quote]
This!!! You are ignoring by far the most important issue here op.

@Galaxycat @Arrivederla I read that as ‘I feel he flits...’

I know you can’t always generalise but with my DH, once we’d agreed to start trying at a certain date he didn’t really feel the need to chat loads about it or get excited about it in the lead up. It wasn’t that he wasn’t keen, it was just that, having set a date, until we started trying he didn’t really see there was much to talk about. I read it as OP feeling that his engagement waned at times, rather than anything he’d said.

[quote Dollywilde]**@Galaxycat* @Arrivederla* I read that as ‘I feel he flits...’

I know you can’t always generalise but with my DH, once we’d agreed to start trying at a certain date he didn’t really feel the need to chat loads about it or get excited about it in the lead up. It wasn’t that he wasn’t keen, it was just that, having set a date, until we started trying he didn’t really see there was much to talk about. I read it as OP feeling that his engagement waned at times, rather than anything he’d said.[/quote]
@Dollywilde my original comment still stands!! No way would I TTC with someone who I feel is flitting between wanting a baby or not.

Is there any wonder these threads are full of mums who complain their partner doesn’t help with the baby!!!!?

Why do you think he sometimes doesn’t want to be a dad?

We decided to start trying to conceive in October last year, but sometime in September thought ah it'll never happen on the first go so didn't use protection. Wham bam thank you ma'am and my daughter was born 5 weeks ago. For all it's only around 6 weeks until September, perhaps you're pushing for a child when he's not quite ready, I think you need a serious conversation about what you both really want especially as you already think he flits between wanting a baby and not.

@Galaxycat fair enough! I just feel for blokes sometimes in these scenarios, I know I wanted to talk about TTC a lot and DH was sort of like ‘well, we said we’d try in March so and we’ve agreed a plan/finances/how it’s going to work so why do we need to keep talking about it?’. I think sometimes it can be interpreted as lack of enthusiasm when it’s really just ‘we’ve made a decision, why can’t we stick to it?’

Obviously if OP’s DH had actually expressed reticence around TTC then I’d agree with you but in the absence of any actual evidence that he’s disinterested I was assuming OP was just interpreting his preference to wait (as they’d previously agreed) as lack of enthusiasm, which doesn’t necessarily ring alarm bells for me.

(Completely agree with you on the ‘why did you have a baby with a man who wasn’t prepared to step up’ threads though...)

I felt like that both times when we were talking about TTC; it was all I could think about. Could you compromise with August? I can understand why he’s a bit freaked out if you’d agreed on September but equally can see why you don’t see why you don’t try now. It varies massively on how long it takes; both times I got pregnant very quickly so I believe in making sure you’re completely prepared (after being freaked out with the speed of getting pregnant second time)

I also feel like he flits between wanting a baby then not

This should be much more of a concern than whether you start TTC now or in 6 weeks time.

Thank you all for posting.

Just to clear things up, we have both said we want children. That's never been an issue. What @Dollywilde is saying definitely feels this way. I want to talk more and more about it being excited but he doesn't so much. We do talk about what we'd be like as parents.

Like I said I think I'm getting excited and being that DH is my best friend it's all I really want to talk about it and would much like a May/June baby.

If he’s not sure if he wants a baby I would be wary about having one. He’s got to be really committed to the idea. Maybe that’s why he’s putting it off. If so, it’s worth holding off until you know he’s committed (or until you decide he’s never going to be ready and plan accordingly).

I started TTC a month after I turned 27 and didn’t have my daughter until I turned 29 so yeah sometimes it can take a wee while. Second time round it was only our 3rd month trying. As PPs have said though, the more pressing concern is making sure your DH is definitely all for it. When the ‘morning’ sickness kicks in, when you’re so big you can barely function, when the baby’s here and you’re so tired you can barely function - you really don’t want DH sitting about doing bare minimum cause he ‘wasn’t the one who wanted this baby anyway’. You’ve both got to be all in, cause it is fucking hard and you need to on the same team.

Well... I agree with the posted who said maybe he does think it will happen right away and wants til September like you 2 originally planned to have a kid-free life.

I inseminated myself.... But had read tons of stuff beforehand. Thought it would take months if I was lucky. First try, got pregnant with my daughter. My son... He took 3 tries... But the second one took and resulted in a very early miscarriage. So it can happen right away. And once that baby comes.... Everything changes.

Oh... And I was 34 with my dd and 36 with my ds

September is only a matter of weeks away. You would be unreasonable to pressure him when you’d already agreed to try then, and it’s so close.

It's only a few weeks, might be better to wait a little so he feels ready!
On a practical note - have you come off bc and started taking folic acid?

Fwiw we were in the "might as well start trying, it'll probably take several months" camp, and it happened first time!

Google all the things you aren't allowed when pregnant (sushi, soft cheese and unlimited caffeine *sob) and spend the time binging!

This is not just your decision, it's his too. You're being extremely dismissive of his input by minimising what he wants to do. You're asking why wait; he's asking why rush; why are you anymore important than him that you get to be the one to make this choice. You already made it together; you had a plan and agreed the timeline so stick to it because clearly that's what your DH is most comfortable with. In the grand scheme of things, 6 weeks makes sod all difference to TTC but it clearly will make a difference in your DHs comfort levels so stop minimising his feelings just because you've decided you can't possibly wait another 6 weeks.

DH and I were originally going to start TTC in September too, it would have been 3 months after we returned from the Caribbean (Zika risk). Our Caribbean holiday was our last hurrah before kids, if you like. We came to the same conclusions that you did. What are we waiting for? Or should I say DH did and he wanted to bring it forward. I was initially a little bit cautious about starting then. I guess I still needed some time to get my head around it. Especially as we were going to the Caribbean and our holiday had been planned for a year - the mindset was absolutely can not get pregnant, not even an oops baby, until September. I’ve found it really difficult to get my head around that, to do a 180 on my mindset.

We discussed it but DH just left me to get my head around it. We were using condoms and I decided as we were about to have sex that we could risk it. He asked if I was sure and I said I only wanted to risk it that once at that moment. This particular cycle went a bit wonky (Sod’s law), so my period was really late but I kept getting negative pregnancy tests. Disappointed is too strong of a word but I wasn’t relieved like I would have been when younger, or even earlier in the year. When my period eventually arrived I decided I was OK with going for it and we pulled our TTC timeline forward. But we pulled it forward when both of us were on board with that. We’re on our second month now (not including the wonky one that started all this). I’m glad DH didn’t pressure me, as I’d have probably held back and it might have made my anxiety for September even worse. Come September I might not have been in a good place to start.

It’s our second cycle and it’s already taken over my thoughts. Honestly, just enjoy those 6 weeks. If you want to get yourself prepped by getting into the habit of taking prenatal vitamins, pay attention to your cycle.

As for your DH not talking about it much, I think that’s normal. My DH is pretty OK with talking about it but it’s still all my body that it’s happening with and there’s not much he can relate to so the conversation is a bit one-sided. As for fliting back and forth - I have definitely had some moments where I’ve thought ‘fuck, there’s no turning back from this decision’. It’s not that I’m changing my mind but sometimes the enormity of it hits me and leaves me feeling a little stunned.

Maybe you made a plan together and maybe he has built himself a little financial spreadsheet and is working to that plan. They you come along and move the goal posts