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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was it rape?

20 replies

CarrotCakeCrumbs · 25/07/2020 23:15

Before I start I am not looking to get anyone in trouble, I just don't know how to feel about what happened. It happened 10 years ago now, a whole decade but I still feel uneasy, and I feel like it still affects me.

I was 15, I had a boyfriend who was 19, I was a virgin. I had very low self esteem and he paid me attention. He wasn't exactly kind to me, but he gave me more attention than anyone else in my life at that point did and I thought I loved him. I really thought I loved him. I knew that if I wanted him to stay with me I had to have sex with him. I did agree to have sex, I did agree to a date and I did go to his house - nobody forced me to that. We started to have sex but it hurt, I cried and said no - he removed the condom, said he loved me and carried on. I let him carry on. When it was finished I just felt numb. I asked a friend the next day and she said that I'd already agreed and it was supposed to hurt the first time so I was just being stupid. I didnt mention it to anyone again, I found out he cheated on me a few months later and broke up with him. The funny thing is I was heartbroken, really broken by it when looking back - he was truly vile to me.

I did agree to have sex with him and I let it continue, I did think I loved him, he got me to stop self harming while we were together I thought he was wonderful. But even now 10 years later I cant say no, I feel like I'm pathetic and vindictive for even thinking it might have been rape but then I think if it happened to my daughters when they grow up I would be out for blood. I cant talk to anyone about it there are women who have been through far, far worse horrific things that make this seem so stupid.

OP posts:

aLilNonnyMouse · 25/07/2020 23:19

You withdrew consent part way though. He ignored that. It's rape.

You can withdraw consent at any time for any reason.

Gingerkittykat · 25/07/2020 23:21

I agree it is rape if you say no, even halfway through the act you have the right to remove consent.

This has obviously deeply affected you, have you considered contacting rape crisis or similar to talk it through in more depth?

nocoolnamesleft · 25/07/2020 23:21

It became rape when you withdrew consent and he carried on anyway. I'm sorry.

PoloNeckKnickers · 25/07/2020 23:21

You said no and he carried on. That is rape. So sorry this happened to you.

KittyFantastico · 25/07/2020 23:25

It was rape, not only did you withdraw consent you were also under the age of consent.

DramaAlpaca · 25/07/2020 23:26

Yes. It was rape. I'm sorry that happened to you.

You've taken a very brave step to post about it here and you'll get support from other women who understand.

I think you might benefit from some counselling to help you deal with the trauma, if you feel able to at some point

YankeeDad · 25/07/2020 23:29

It became rape when he continued after you withdrew consent.

I am sorry that this happened to you.

How you feel is how you feel, and nobody has any right to blame or criticise that, and there is nothing pathetic or vindictive about it.

You have the moral right to make any inquiries you want to make, and to take whatever action you want to take so long as it's legal. Please, just be careful to do only what is best for yourself.

I wish you all the best in healing from this, and then thriving.

randomchap · 25/07/2020 23:31

Some counselling may help you with this. You were underage and vulnerable and he looks to have exploited that. You did nothing wrong.

Elieza · 25/07/2020 23:33

It was indeed rape.

Also, you were self harming until you dated him. That tells me you were unhappy with something and didn’t get sufficient help. He came along and showed an interest and you felt loved. He took advantage.

I think you would benefit from counselling to get over a lot of things that have probably happened in your childhood, his rape of you, and whatever other shit has happened since.
I don’t think you can reach your full potential until you do talk about all of this stuff.
That’s what I found about myself anyway. It’s weird talking to a stranger at first but soon you’re raring you go and looking forward to speaking to them. It gets easier until you don’t hurt any more and don’t need to cry about it.

Good luck OP.

Clumsyvolcano · 25/07/2020 23:37

You were under the age of consent.
Even though you gave consent, you asked him to stop and he carried on.
He removed the condom and carried on without your consent to remove the condom or carry on.

All of these things are wrong.

If you have to ask if it’s rape, it’s rape.

I’m so sorry for you, he took advantage of you in a vulnerable position.

BubblyBarbara · 26/07/2020 00:20

Not only was it rape but rape of a child I would certainly consider pursuing this for the safety of other women if you feel strong enough

CrazyToast · 26/07/2020 04:07

It was rape. You were underage and you withdrew consent. Not fighthing him off doesn't mean you consented, many women freeze up in that situation and just 'wait for it to be over' etc. So sorry that happened to you. You are not at all pathetic or vindictive. It happened to you and you have the right to feel these things.

Original poster

CarrotCakeCrumbs · 26/07/2020 09:18

Thank you for all the replies, I am on a waiting list for counselling for other things, but I will try and talk about this with them too. I've experienced alot of nasty things in my life so my perception is often skewed but this has reassured me that I'm not wrong for feeling this way so thank you.

OP posts:

diyhelpneeded · 26/07/2020 09:32

When you said no and he continued it was rape.

GinDaddyRedux · 26/07/2020 09:36

It's 100% rape and I'm so sorry you ever experienced this.

He had one clear signal that it is impossible not to recognise - "NO".

The reality of course is that some men feel disgustingly entitled to another person's body in a certain scenario. He used the fact that you had consented up until that point, to just carry on which at this point becomes rape.

Worse, he took the condom off! That is a second clear example of doing something without consent.

I am so sorry to hear this happened to you. Like others I suggest counselling to understand and process it.

karenhillbruh69 · 12/05/2021 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

lanatolater2 · 12/05/2021 19:32

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I had several experiences in my youth where I said no and they carried on. I was well in to my 30s before I unpacked it all and realised it was rape. In those days the only rapes we heard of were down an alleyway, at knife point with a stranger type scenarios.

What happened to me affected me in the sense that as an adult I just never said no to sex with a partner. I didn't see the point as I assumed once we'd started I'd already consented and they wouldn't stop anyway. Very unhealthy.

Definitely talk it through with your counsellor.

Wishing you luck xx

blueangel19 · 12/05/2021 20:10

You were under the age of consent. Illegal.

GroovyPeanut · 12/05/2021 20:30

Yes it was rape, you said "No" and he not only carried on, he removed the condom and carried on. From the moment you said "Stop"or "No" anything after that is rape.
I work in this field, and I know counselling is subject to very long waiting lists. If there are other things you feel you would benefit from counselling for, hopefully those list may be shorter, and you can raise the subject during those sessions.
It's a hard think to come to terms with. One thing you need to remember, is that this is not your fault. It makes no difference if you agreed to date him, agreed to sex or any other thing you may have agreed to do. You said "No" and he should have stopped. I really hope you can manage to access support, and counselling soon.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/05/2021 20:33

It was rape.

You were a child and he was an adult.

You said 'I knew that if I wanted him to stay with me I had to have sex with him. I did agree to have sex' - that's not freely given consent is it, that's being pressured into sex due to a threat.

You also said 'it hurt, I cried and said no' and he took no notice of that.

Any one of those things would make me think rape

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