Wibu or is DH unreasonable?

[Takingontheworld]

We have been renovating a house. We are not DIY savvy so almost everything has involved tradesmen. We had some finishing touches to be done, but it involved some heavy lifting and a bit of hard graft. I'd planned to hire someone but DH absolutely insisted he could do it- i think his ego is bruised because our neighbours seem to DIY everything and do a great job. DH insisted he could do the work.

Neighbour overheard and really kindly offered to help. He was super keen so I agreed. Would mean the job was done much quicker and easier.

DH promised it would be today. I prepped, and he did his usual coming up with excuses and going very slow. I got annoyed and decided to crack on alone. Neighbour texted to ask if we were ready for him and honestly I think DH feels inferior and got huffy saying he didn't want help which was ridiculous. I didn't want to say no as he had offered, we had said yes and he had made himself available on a weekend for it.
DH kept saying he would do it in his own time which quite frankly this was one job i was not willing to wait 6mo for DH to do it in his own sweet time.

So i cracked on and neighbour came to help. We got it done really quickly and it looks great.

DH didn't come to help and I think is embarrassed which he is now giving me silent treatment for.

Obviously he is a giant twat for acting so childishly, and I shall tell him to buck up his ideas over the stupid silent treatment.

But wibu to let neighbour help or does his male ego need to get a grip?

Your husband is lazy and a massive man child. Poor little mite had his fragile ego bruised. Perhaps if he got off his arse he might actually accomplish something. I would ignore him entirely and crack on with the neighbour's help.

Crack on. He needs to get over himself. DH is shite at DIY (occasionally tries) so I do all the manual labour.

If I get stuck I get my dad or brother over to help. I can sort most stuff though. DH isn’t fussed as he knows he can’t/won’t do it.

If he’s no interest (like my DH) he just needs to admit that and accept help where offered

He needs to apologise to you and your lovely neighbour straight away.good for you for cracking on with it.

Lol your dh sounds like our neighbour. We kept offering to help. He ended up fucking it ok
And paying someone to sort out the mess. He did accept our tradesman recommendation though!

This goes deeper than a DIY job. Your tone indicates that you think very little of your DH in general.

Think you're misreading exasperation in my tone to be honest Plan. You're right though. It does go deeper. It's like he uses up all his get up and go at work, he does great on the house work front although I have to remind myself that sharing that equally with a partner should be a given not something to be grateful for but reading mumsnet does seem to imply he is a minority of men who do help domestically... but life is boring. He organises nothing. Takes on no mental load for the household and i feel governed by his reluctance to socialise.

Honestly I'm bored out of my fucking head and getting so, so tired of being the one to constantly make decisions and organise anything fun in our life.

The house has become a distraction for me but it's been a double edged sword. I have free reign but it's just another thing he contributes nothing to- no opinion, no organising, no getting involved.

Sigh. Its like not bad enough to leave but not good enough to not be regularly thinking about single life. Quite sad really.

I feel for you. YANBU whatsoever as your DH has ample opportunity to sort it before you having to get involved, so it’s his problem if he’s copped the arse. He should be damn grateful you were willing to sort it, and have a lovely neighbour to help. Only you know whether it’s worth staying together if the good sides of him outweigh the bad (don’t underestimate the domestic work - that can be woefully rare) as it’s unlikely to change if this is how he has been for a while.

I’m in a similar boat. I have numerous jobs that DH has promised to sort literally years ago and I usually end up getting pissed off and doing them myself. He will do housework if I ask, but never takes the initiative over anything and it can wear thin after a while. Honestly feels like being responsible for another child at times.

Ah god. I really wish this was just about DIY. I want to be totally and utterly happy in my marriage. This sucks.

This goes deeper than a DIY job. Your tone indicates that you think very little of your DH in general.

You would think well of a fully grown adult who sulks because they needed help with something they didn't know how to do?

I'd think they are an arrogant idiot but OK.

People get to be a lazy arse. OR they get to tell other people how to do things. But not both. DH irritatingly steps in when I don't need him do but he does an excellent job, whereas I tend to do 90% and call it OK.

He may be sad or emasculated because he's not handy. The obvious answer to that is try harder.

The thing is, it was a job he could easily have done. It was just laborious. He has a huge thing about not feeling "rushed" to do things. But it cannot all just be on his watch- esp when someone's been so kind to offer free help which tbh it rare because none of our families EVER follow through on offers and honestly I was shocked neighbour was genuine and actually followed it up! Immensely kind of them.

He often seeks for reassurance about not doing enough DIY and i pander to the "too tired from work" thing because I don't want him to feel bad but tbh although he works hard at his job, i actually have a harder and more intensive job than him and do 90% of childcare so this has been an ongoing niggle for a long time.

Should he ever actually do DIY, he either fucks it up (by not checking what it is I actually asked for in first place and doing it wrong, which i then either have to bite my lip or face strops if i say so) or he has to wipe out a whole day for it and cannot possibly do anything with the kids around. Its such an event.

Pros: good with housework, attractive, still finds me attractive (been together long time) honest, loyal and good with the kids.

Cons: he would literally have nothing and do nothing if it weren't for me. Even his job I pushed him to apply for and his current payrise is due to a series of emails i orchestrated and wrote when company was taking the piss big time. Its just stuff like this i suppose. Deep down I just wish he was more...... what's the word? More assertive in his life and passionate ?

None of us are perfect I know.

... I'm just glad I wasn't being unreasonable today!

He is not the right man for you; you will not find the right man while you stick with the wrong one. Think hard about how you want your life to be.

He needs to get a grip.

He just isn''t engaged with his life. Why? What is the problem which keeps him so passive? He's scared of something, and it's probably some thing from his childhood - failure? Perhaps he'd do better with a bit of counselling. Surely he'd enjoy life more if he were more engaged with it?

He doesn't seem to have much fire in his belly...the sort of thing that van lead to other marital issues when seeking excitement and some oommmphhh

Jux after 15 years i feel stuck. I don't actually want to give up on us. But it isn't going to change is it?

He has anxiety and yes i think general feeling of not good enough / failure. I've tried to get him to counselling so many times i give up.

No, I don't think it will change unless he does something about it, like having counselling. I told my dh (many years ago now) that it was either counselling or divorce; he took me seriously because he knew I meant it.

Would you consider a move like that? Don't do it unless you really intend to follow through though.

Picture your life in 5 years' time.