To not wait/move around our the date of our wedding to accommodate my family?

Fressia123 · 2020-07-25T09:07:17+00:00

All of my family (apart from a cousin) are very indifferent/ambivalent about our wedding. The original date is for April next year hoping that all travel restrictions will be lifted etc. (All my family lives abroad). They haven't been interested at all (haven't asked anything about it whatsoever since we've told them about it, and when we told them we didn't even get a congratulations or "so happy for you"). I'm fairly hurt (his family has had a similar reaction but at least they're in the UK) so now I'm thinking of just moving it forward to ASAP. It's a small thing anyways (registry office then restaurant meal). So AIBU?

Yetiyoga · 25/07/2020 10:09

You should get married when it suits you, not others! But i think times are a bit crazy at the moment. Have they acknowledged the engagement at all?

ShirleyPhallus · 25/07/2020 10:11

Just do it when you want in that case, bring it forward

Interesting they both have the same reaction though. Was this a normal relationship or product of an affair or anything?

3cats · 25/07/2020 10:12

Are you sure they are really indifferent? It would be a shame to cause a big upset. If they are planning to come over in April, then they aren't indifferent. If they are uncertain due to covid, then that's understandable. I can't help but worry that you are throwing your toys out of the pram over nothing.

Original poster

Fressia123 · 25/07/2020 10:17

Well my dad's first comment was, "are you getting a prenup because everything is joint assets by default". My sister said "nice" but expected it from her. The one who hurts the most is my mother. She knew I was really looking forward to finally have a date and a wedding. But still she hasn't said a thing. Not completely unexpected as she told me when I miscarried that it was "a good thing".

Everybody is coming to see the baby as they haven't seen him (my mum has but is desperate to see him again).

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TeenPlusTwenties · 25/07/2020 10:32

It's harder to get excited about weddings when there is already a baby.

It's also harder to get excited about weddings when it is an absolute immediate family member like a child or sibling and they set the date without even asking you whether it would be incredibly grossly inconvenient for you to attend.

I wouldn't personally be happy about committing now to flying next April.

saraclara · 25/07/2020 10:36

@TeenPlusTwenties

It's harder to get excited about weddings when there is already a baby.

It's also harder to get excited about weddings when it is an absolute immediate family member like a child or sibling and they set the date without even asking you whether it would be incredibly grossly inconvenient for you to attend.

I wouldn't personally be happy about committing now to flying next April.

What's incredibly grossly inconvenient here? I don't see anything in the OP to suggest that April is a problem for anyone outside the general covid uncertainty. But jeeze, if you can't attempt to plan something for April, we might as well just give up on life.

MadeForThis · 25/07/2020 10:38

Do your family dislike your DP?

TeenPlusTwenties · 25/07/2020 10:40

sara I might have been projecting a bit due to a not unrelated issue we have.

However I got the impression from the OP that the OP had 'announced' the wedding rather than discussed with her nearest and dearest.

And sorry, but I personally wouldn't want to be planning anything right now for April that involved loads of people flying.

Yetiyoga · 25/07/2020 10:41

I am just finding it hard to get excited about anything at the moment with covid. I am living for the moment. However I would try to act excited for your sake.

I am assuming there is a back story hence you bringing up the mean thing your mum said when you miscarried. What an awful thing for her to say, I'm sorry.

stretchedmarks · 25/07/2020 10:41

@TeenPlusTwenties

Well you sound like a delight.

Original poster

Fressia123 · 25/07/2020 10:45

We did mention that we would move it around atp accommodate any travel restrictions. Both my parents are retired and they don't do much, my sister is the same boat. Plus we knew they'd be coming as it's a few weeks before my nephew's birthday (two birds one stone type of thing). Again it's my mother's attitude which makes me think "why bother".

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Original poster

Fressia123 · 25/07/2020 10:58

Yes, there's a bit of a back story. So two years ago when my sister got married she got super ega excited (my sister had two weddings one in Switzerland and one in Mexico). She made a big deal out of it. Even saying that " of course she'd never miss her wedding". Bear in mind she didn't attend my first wedding. I politely told her to please stop being that way as she was hurting even though she probably wasn't meaning to. Well she never stopped and made me so uncomfortable that didn't attend either wedding. My sister very graciously accepted it and never spoke about it, but she understood. I understand if she doesn't come to mine or is indifferent about it. But my mother? I thought she'd have learned by now.

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ShellsAndSunrises · 25/07/2020 11:03

There’s probably a bit of everything - some people are weird about weddings, and don’t find second weddings or weddings after kids as exciting, they might be worried about what will happen with Coronavirus and whether it’ll be safe...

But they also sound pretty toxic anyway, and I’m not sure I’d be planning much around them. If you want to do it soon, and be married, do that. If you want to wait until April and see what the situation is, do that.

I couldn’t hack the constant changes and waiting, and now the pressure that any LA can ban gatherings in their area, so we went small and close instead. It’s been lovely the pressure being off, and I’ve planned something much closer what I originally wanted anyway, before everyone interjected with opinions!

Congratulations and enjoy your day, whenever you choose to have it.

Pinkdelight3 · 25/07/2020 11:07

Okay so you've been married before and you already have a baby together. In that case, as it's already causing some angst for you, I'd go for the registry office scenario and anyone who is happy for you and comes along is a bonus. But then I'm not a big wedding person anyway.

lemoncarafe · 25/07/2020 11:11

Just go and get married, no guests, fabulous honeymoon. They're not interested.
This I say from experience.

saraclara · 25/07/2020 11:17

@Fressia123

Yes, there's a bit of a back story. So two years ago when my sister got married she got super ega excited (my sister had two weddings one in Switzerland and one in Mexico). She made a big deal out of it. Even saying that " of course she'd never miss her wedding". Bear in mind she didn't attend my first wedding. I politely told her to please stop being that way as she was hurting even though she probably wasn't meaning to. Well she never stopped and made me so uncomfortable that didn't attend either wedding. My sister very graciously accepted it and never spoke about it, but she understood. I understand if she doesn't come to mine or is indifferent about it. But my mother? I thought she'd have learned by now.

You didn't go to your sister's weddings because of things that your mother said?

I can sort of understand why they're both a bit meh about yours then.

saraclara · 25/07/2020 11:18

...and yep, a second wedding when there's already a child isn't going to create as much excitement as the first in any family, to be honest.

I'd go with getting married whenever you want, and focus on having your friends there.

JudgeRindersMinder · 25/07/2020 11:28

It sounds harsh, but no one is ever as invested in your wedding as much as you are

Original poster

Fressia123 · 25/07/2020 11:29

Yes, my friends are super excited (well the few I have anyways!)

But indeed everything around my sister's wedding was a very strange time. I was about go (and asked my best friend to attend with me) but then my sister said that she wasn't invited. It was just the massive difference in attitude between my sister's and my own that was very hurtful (not just from my mum but I don't anybody ever realised how what they were saying/doing could hurt me). My father said that he completely understood why I didn't go. I drove all the way to Heathrow but just couldn't get on the plane, so just drove back home.
Like I've said my sister was very, very understanding (do was her husband) so I don't have any hard feelings at all.

Actually with some introspection I don't want her here for that day.

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EatsShootsAndRuns · 25/07/2020 11:33

However I got the impression from the OP that the OP had 'announced' the wedding rather than discussed with her nearest and dearest

And? Weddings ARE announced. It's not a case of comparing diaries like you would for a committee meeting to see if you can fit it in, a wedding is a big event and most people would move heaven and earth to be there. Especially with 9 months notice!

2bazookas · 25/07/2020 11:38

Go for it, please yourselves.

LolaSmiles · 25/07/2020 11:38

There's the old saying that nobody cares as much about your wedding as you do, and it's true. I'd not be concerned that people aren't super excited about a second wedding in a year's time when the couple already have a child, but the lack of congratulations is a bit rude and upsetting.

I do think it was a bit much not to attend your sister's wedding at the last minute because you couldn't have your best friend with you. The whole family dynamic seems very childish and tit for tat.

2pinkginsplease · 25/07/2020 11:38

I would just go and get married, no fuss, just the two of you and your witnesses.
Your family sound unpleasant!

Original poster

Fressia123 · 25/07/2020 11:45

@LolaSmiles yes it's the lack of congratulations that is upsetting. And no I didn't attent just because my sister didn't let me take my best friend, in the end she said it was fine. But on the drive to Heathrow I could only hear all the unpleasant things my mum had said, how my "godmother" (not my sister's) went all the way to Switzerland to my sister's wedding but didn't attend mine, etc...I was not in a great place mentally, I just wanted my best friend there as a distraction so I could just get some fresh air of I found it too much for me. Like I've mentioned I think my sister understood from my position it didn't feel great so she was very kind about it, for that I'll always be grateful.

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ThinkWittyThoughts · 25/07/2020 12:25

Well, given everything you have said I'd be very tempted to move it forward, not invite them and not even mention anything about it.

If they are truly as unsupportive as you say it's not like you'll have to answer any questions from them. Literally just stop talking to them about it and do whatever you want.

Congratulations on your engagement