Viewing gifts as transactions

[Jadefeather7]

Recently when my daughter was born my mum gave me £200 to buy her something. Whilst thanking her she told me my dad had insisted on giving it even though she had told him it wasn’t necessary. I felt a little surprised at this comment but didn’t say anything.

Yesterday she received a package from my aunt who lives abroad who had sent some clothes for the baby in the post. My mum rang me annoyed about it telling me she had told the aunt not to send anything to us but she had said she wanted to and it was her way of showing her love. She kept going on about how my aunt shouldn’t be spending money on us when we have more money than her and telling me how she dislikes it when people send gifts as you need to return them.

Then she started telling me that I should have sent a gift to my other aunt who’s son had recently graduated from university because she gave me a gift on my wedding which I needed to return.

Is it me or is this way of viewing gifts really bizarre?

Yes! It's none of her business if people want to send you gifts.

BIL is a bit transactional with gifts. I know he mentally works out what we spend compared to what he spends as we have kids and he doesn't.

It doesn't sound necessarily transactional but does sound quite unkind - she's not letting you enjoy the gifts and she's suggesting you don't deserve/appreciate them.

A wedding gift is expected, a college graduation gift is not.

Telling you she didn't want to give you the money is really unnecessary.

There is something else going on here and it's impossible to say what it is.

Is there anyway she thinks you're ungrateful in general?
Is she jealous of all the attention you're getting since the baby came?
Is she just spoilt and difficult herself?

@Isthisnothing There are two things:

She’s very stingy not because she doesn’t have money but because growing up she didn’t have much. All the people giving gifts (my dad and my two aunts) are very generous and as far as I can tell give gifts without expectations. I think she really struggled with understanding that

She views relationships as transactional in general eg she often tells me because parents do so much for their children their children should be prepared to do the same for their parents (both financially and in terms of care when their old). I think she was never hugely keen on children. She’s resentful about how much time and money was spent on them and she sees them in terms of what she can get out of them. Having had my own children I realise how wrong that way of thinking is,

Is she the sort of person who'd call a wedding venue to enquire how much the meals cost to make sure she "covered her plate"?

It's not a nice way to view gifts but I'm guessing she isn't going to change now.

@SnuggyBuggy Yes, although she doesn’t call
The venues I know she will make her own assessment of how much has been spent and give her gift accordingly

It's weird. I've seen Americans say they need to "cover" their plate with a wedding gift of equal value to the cost of their food!

So if they know the venue is expensive, they give a monetary gift that's equal or more to what's been spent on them being invited! How tacky!

Snuggy ha! Cross post.

It’s ridiculous. Gifts are about giving. It’s what gift means and should create as much pleasure for the giver as the receiver.

My mother in law has a similar method of counting who she owes supper or lunch to. She won’t invite someone she really likes if they still owe her but will invite dreary folk because she owes them.

That way of viewing gifts takes all of the joy out of it.

The point of a gift is that you want to give something to someone, to make them happy, show you appreciate them, help them out etc. If you give something with any expectation of getting something in return, then IMO it's not really a gift.

My mum is JUST like this! Sucks a lot of the joy out of present giving/present receiving.

Drives me mad and has definitely affected any pleasure I might have when I or my children receive things. She puts a monetary value on pretty much everything and considers it rude unless you 'match up' when it's your turn to give

It makes me think of the expression knowing the price of everything and the value of nothing.

That's weird. It's pretty standard to buy a gift for a new baby. I've never heard of buying someone a gift for graduating.

I would be fuming at her telling people not to send me gifts because according to her I don’t need them. I might not “need” said gift but it’s insulting to the giver when they would like to give you something. In my mind it says that their gift is not good enough.

Yes I think being raised by someone with this approach effected how I viewed gifts for a long time. It really does take the joy out of it.

Gifts on graduation aren’t common (at least I never received any) but it’s basically an opportunity in my mothers mind to return the wedding gift my aunt gave.

But presumably the cousin may get married one day and you would give a gift for that? No need to invent a reason for gift giving.

It sounds incredibly controlling too. You’re an adult, you get to make your own choices about who to send gifts to and when. It’s none of her business.

Hi jade she sounds quite controlling. I remember my aunt used send me money for the sales. I was very grateful. My mother obviously wasnt happy about this and basically said no need to send this as Mary has plenty. Honestly found it very devious. We adults not kids