How much freedom does your 12 year old have?

[FortunesFave]

DD is 12 and we give her a fair bit of freedom. We live in a semi rural market town in Australia...she's allowed to catch a bus to the next, larger town with a friend a there are more shops and cafes there.

But she's just started badgering to be allowed to take a train to the city with her friend and go skating there.

We've said no because it's the city...it's about the size of Manchester and there are some elements that aren't safe.

She'd also need to catch a tram once she got to the city to take her to the rink.

We're not unreasonable are we? If she had a bigger kid with them...someones older sibling, then I'd agree. She's refused offers of DH taking them, dropping them at the rink then coming back to collect.

It's not usual to allow your 12 year old to do that is it? For reference, the city is about 40km away from where we live. It's a 45 minute train journey!

No, I wouldn't let my 12 year old do that.

Thank you! There's one answer to comfort me that I'm not too strict.

It's instinct isn't it? My first instinct was a hard no.

Then she nags and whines and badgers. But I'll be sticking to it. They're too little still! I look at her older sister who is 16 and there's such a big difference.

I think 14 is about old enough.

I'm guessing it's Obrien house if she has to take a tram, and really, I wouldn't either just because it's a 50/50 chance they won't be let without an adult, depending on who is manning the desk.

why doesn't she want a lift there.
this alone would concern me.
what does she actually plan to do, maybe wander around the city, not understanding the poss dangers.
if she really wanted to go to do the activity, she would be glad of the lift.
you are doing the right thing. just say no. don't discuss. ignore whining.

I assume you mean adelaide? Absolutely not.

I had friends who got the train that far to my secondary school, and they were doing that from 11. And plenty of other students who needed to change modes of transport, and they managed it.

Maybe part of the attraction of the activity is the independence associated with it, not just the thing itself. In which case of course she wouldn't want to be dropped off.

Do you think she would actually do anything other than what she's asked to do? E.g. go off elsewhere. Or do you just think she isn't capable of doing it, organisationally?

Snitzel Yes Adelaide. I know why they want to go alone, it's the idea of being big kids isn't it? With freedom etc.

That's why I let her go to a shopping centre which is a 20 min bus ride away. That's reasonable I think.

Rose I'd say not but you never know do you?

I let my 12 year old into the village where there's shops, a park and a cafe. Get a bus into the nearby town? No way. Maybe next year. None of her friends do either. I drove to the town, sat in a cafe and let her and three friends go around the indoor shopping centre for an hour. The mums of the other girls were a little reluctant but did agree.

OhFlipit I say "town" but it's more of a shopping mall and that's all...there's only houses around it.

I don't see why a 12 year old can't go to a local shopping centre on a bus when loads go alone to school on a bus. It's only a small one.

There's a MacDonalds, some coffee shops and clothes shops. They've all got phones and it's a safe area.

The city though? Nope.

No YABU at all. Mines13 and i would not let him. Hes never even got on a bus alone.

YANBU I mean! 🙈

Dd is 12.5 and I only started letting her go to the park after school in October. Tbh age probably would have been allowed to meet friends at McDonald’s etc in the summer term but lock down has bought me a bit more time on that one. No way would I let her go to our nearest city. I know I was 14 almost 15 when I first travelled to London but honestly I was shocked my dm said yes. I was very independent so I don’t think I’ll have that issue... my younger two however they terrify me!

I have a 12 year old...I wouldn't allow that.

He walks to and from school and to local shops and parks near us.

We live in suburban London so slightly different situation...I suppose the nearest comparison to your situation would be him catching the train into central London which I absolutely would not allow.

I always try to think worst case scenario...so would they be able to navigate the way home if they lost their bus pass, became separated from their friends and lost their phone?

Depends on the child I think. My daughter is 14, catching buses at 12 and last year she got the train age 13 to the aquarium. She goes everywhere now on the bus confidently looking up times etc. My son is a year younger (now 13), he catches the bus to Town, but never done it alone. There is no way on earth I’d trust him on the train.

FormerBabe me too! I think about things like "What would they do if a drug addict hassled them?" because unfortunately there's a lot of crack addicts in the city and some of them are a bit full on.

Also, they're not that sensible about watching the traffic if you ask me. The roads worry me.

I think they'd be ok in the lost friend/lost phone situation. They know mobile numbers by heart and would be able to choose a shop assistant to ask for help.

I am surprised at 12 year olds never having caught a bus alone though.

DD1 is 11, we live in london. She gets the bus to the local park alone and to and from school, and friends houses where she knows the journey well. Most are a long walk from our home. I wouldn’t be happy about her going far afield where if there was a problem or she got lost I couldn’t get to her quickly.

12yo DC were allowed to do things like OP's outing Because we often went as a family so they knew exactly how to do each step.With their phones, google maps, etc.

Most local parents didn't let their DC do anything similar until age 15/16 (girls) or 14/15 (boys). But local parents all drove & had no idea how to use the train themselves.

Ragged I found that with my older DD...I can't drive so older DD had to get buses and trains if her Dad was at work.

Many of her friends still panic about that and they're all 15-16 now. Kids need to start learning to get about from around 12 in my opinion or they end up helpless.

When I went to Uni there were 18 year olds who had no idea how to catch a train.

I wouldn’t but mine wouldn’t chose public transport over a lift anyway. I’d be suspicious as to why they are turning down a lift.

Wave I've actively encouraged mine to get themselves to places rather than automatically relying on their Dad or someone else's parent.

It's good for them in my opinion.

If your daughter can get around adelaide on public transport she deserves a medal. I would be worried about the city because some parts are dodgy. Marion or the plaza would be ok, lots of buses and people around.

Snitzel we find the public transport system is better than our home town in the UK. The buses and trains are reliable....she has an app which tells her exactly when her bus is due. So if it's a bit of a wait, she knows she can go to the shop or cafe to kill time and avoid waiting around in a bus stop. Marion is fine we think...not the city for the younger one just yet, I agree. The older one is 16 and goes to the city with her mates.

I would say if your daughter and her friends are generally sensible, and will follow rules like stay as a group then yes a short trip on the bus to Marion is a good start to getting some independence. I should add my oldest is 8 so I'm not at your stage yet. I was a country kid and got to the city at 18 and had no idea how to catch a bus.