Unplanned third pregnancy. Head or heart?

[Eatyourbanana]

I have recently found out I’m pregnant with DC3, some how..! I honestly cannot understand how this has happened.

We have 2 DC’s under 4. We rent a 2 bed & can not afford anymore, to rent a 3 bed would mean downsizing/no garden. Basically, a worse quality of life for our existing DC.

We had been saving for a deposit & I had been looking at job opportunities. This feels like the worst timing in the world. I haven’t even told DH yet but I know he doesn’t want this And will be gutted. I also know he won’t pressure me either way though, but I do feel like I’d be forcing him into it if I keep the baby.

Yet despite all this I really want this baby, I know it’s going to be hard with three so close in age and we’re not at all in the best financial position for this. I keep flickering between I cannot realistically have this baby to, I cannot possibly get rid of this baby.

Has anyone else been in this position? What did you decide? How did it work out?

I’m an anxious mess and cannot see the wood through the trees right now.

We were faced with an unexpected Theo’s pregnancy last year. We went heart and proceeded and for us, it was absolutely the correct decision. Only you know the best way for you however. Thing with abortion, is everything can be logically telling you to do it, but it the heart doesn’t want it, the guilt can be unbearable.

I was in a very similar situation to you two years ago. I found out I was pregnant with DC3 and it was a complete surprise and at just the wrong time. We were in a small two bed house and I had just started training for my dream job. Practically having another baby made no sense - I spent days agonising over it and in the end when with my heart and kept the baby.

Now DC3 is 2 and we found a lovely 3bed house that we could afford last year as DP got a promotion and while I still haven’t been able to do my training yet I don’t regret my decision for one minute.

@tunnocks

Thing with abortion, is everything can be logically telling you to do it, but it the heart doesn’t want it, the guilt can be unbearable.

You’ve explained it perfectly.

Heart. I was in the same position last year. 2 DC, found out we had a third on the way in March.

DH really freaked out, panicked for the whole of the first trimester. He made his position known but ultimately left the decision to me whether or not to continue the pregnancy. I knew in my heart that I could not possibly get rid of a baby, and so we had to figure it out.

We have a lot of support from my parents; that's the thing that made it all possible.

We'd just bought a house that is going to become too small sooner than we'd like. My career was growing legs and I had to scale back to accommodate my health (and now crisis schooling/looking after everyone while working) and finances are tight. But we are happy on little sleep and in the middle of a pandemic. And the baby is an absolute delight -- DH is besotted and we couldn't picture life without.

Only you can make this decision.

I personally wouldn't in this situation, but myself and my partner's main focus has always been affording any children we have (we have 1) to ensure we can still go on nice holidays, days out etc etc, live in a big house.

Everyone has different priorities

Appreciate everyone’s responses, honestly is exactly what I need. Thank you

I would feel the same way you do op. My head would be saying not to continue with the pregnancy, but my heart would be saying the opposite.

I think you need to speak to your DP and decide together. Think through what you can do to make it easier to cope with and what life might end up being like if you do continue and go from there.

Good luck, whatever you do .

Ultimately, it's up to you entirely though op and not your DP. Just to clarify.

We've got a 3 bed house but don't get use the "box room". Toddler sleeps in our room and two others in bunk beds in the other room. We find it ok now the kids are young but feel we would need a bigger house later on. Can you afford something bigger later in a different area ?

Ahh this is my nightmare. I have two and very much feel done. I think I’d struggle to have a third, and what it would mean in terms of money / quality of life for us and our two dd, career, ‘giving up’ more years to child rearing...new car would be needed, dynamic between children - would a third slot in etc etc.
However, these are all rational considerations and I think that in real life, feeling rational can fly out the window. You have a gut feeling, ultimately you need to go with that. A baby is very rarely the worst thing in the world to happen, but it is a huge thing for your family.

Our third pregnancy was a surprise- and it happened just 3 months after I gave birth to DC2. I was shocked, I worried how my body would cope with another pregnancy and birth so soon (I have some chronic health issues), not to mention the strain of caring for a newborn again... And we were already living on a tight budget.

But in my heart I was also excited somehow, it just felt like, this new mystery person is here, this new member of our family who I haven't met yet, and I wanted to focus on those positive feelings.

It wasn't easy on my body, and actually it wasn't easy on my marriage (exhaustion doesn't bring out the best in me or DH).

But I feel like our surprise DC3 was the best surprise of my life! We got through the hard times, and I just couldn't imagine life without her, she's such a character and her older brothers love her so much too (and DH was thrilled to have a daughter- which we only found out when she was born).

So I'd say, go with your heart. Money, tiredness and other issues come and go, but having a new member of your family is a joy that lasts a lifetime ❤️

In the grand scheme of things...any plans will be postponed for a couple of years or so. Not a lot of time in that really? If you have 3 little ones in close age, it will pan out in coming yrs.

I'm not convinced that anyone but you can really add much to your decision making. My instinct is to say "go with your heart", but actually I know that in my family keeping a surprise DC3 would almost certainly be the end of our marriage. Given that we are in a marriage that works with two great DC, I'd be foolish to throw everything away.

We went heart, surprise DC3 which seemed a disaster when we discovered I was pregnant has absolutely completed our family xx

Strange one for me. I was fairly horrified about my unexpected 3rd pregnancy in my 40s but proceeded - had always been up for a 3rd but had left that idea behind - and all a big upheaval and shock but now lovely now he is 3. But i know now that if i ever found myself pregnant unexpectedly again (unlikely) I completely would't go for it. I totally couldn't do it again and would be sure with my decision. I'm not sure what I'm saying - I know my own head and that it's possible for to feel very differently in this situation, but also be confident in my gut instinct.

We had a 2 bed. Were in process of moving and life was good. Unexpected third. Husband did not want but didn't pressure me (much) we kept. Things are harder. We did move to a3 bed. But the dream of getting their own bedrooms is now gone. Everything is a bit harder. I had to find a different extra job to help pay for everything but going back would I have done any different. Nope. We were destined for 3. I think for us I would have always thought about what if. Husband didn't bond or look forward to the baby.... But the moment baby arrived my husband adored him as much as the others. I have 3 children in 4 years. The youngest is now 5 and its so nice having them close

As you are calling the pregnancy, a baby, already, I think your heart will win.

I had three under 4 and it is bloody hard. All 3 were planned and we had the space etc., but the exhaustion was and is indescribable (all three were poor sleepers, mind).

But, I got a new job while on mat leave, more pay and better conditions than I had, sleep is oh so slowly improving and we can see the light at the end of the tunnel. The older two are beginning to include the baby in their play and we can snatch moments of loveliness between the bickering!

No one can tell you what to do, but it sounds like you'd regret terminating. Just be aware that it will be tough and you'll probably doubt yourself many times, whichever way you go. I hope it all works out and you and your husband can pull together, whatever the outcome x

Honestly up to you.

I went through the same and I had an abortion, this was the best option FOR ME

You need to sit and think this through but whatever choice you make is the right choice because you choose it

Just to add a slightly different perspective. My friend's husband really didn't want the baby, was very unhappy about it. My friend made the choice that was right for her but she does now regret it. Her child was born with additional needs.

Her husband never bonded with the baby and wouldn't really do anything for him save the usual feeding and changing nappies. They are now getting divorced and he has said he doesn't want to see the new baby. All very shocking as he seemed like such a devoted father.

I am not at all saying that this will happen, but it is worth discussing how things will work should your child be disabled or if your husband is dead against it. Make the decision that is right for you and just work out the details. Will your car fit seats for three children, will childcare be manageable.

Yet despite all this I really want this baby

For me that's all there is. Everything else.is irrelevant because you are the one who lives with the decision. Your heart should win imo.