To worry that my sister is engulfing her child

[whatdoidowiththisthen]

I've been doing a bit of reading on this and the best description I can come up with of how my sister is with her son is engulfing. I think that might be a psychology term and I'd actually really appreciate the perspective of child professionals on this..

So.. my dear sister is in a failing marriage with her DH. He refuses couple counselling and generally gaslights and pins the blame on her for everything that doesn't work in their marriage.

When she suggested they divorce he told her he would rip her to shreds in court because she has a history of MH issues and he has a lot of money. Threatened to remove her DD (7) from her care by painting her as mad.

Anyway she has resolved to stay and our relationship is now very brittle because I know coercive control when I see it but I am not allowed to name it.

She loves her DD beyond words but I am worried that there is a serious amount of weirdness going on that will screw up my niece.

For eg:

D niece is not allowed to do anything alone without my sister micro managing every element of this . At first I thought me noticing this was just guilt at the fact I have 3 dc and tbh quite honestly am very happy to let them entertain themselves but d sis is getting up every morning at 5 am as that is when d niece wakes.

When I suggested d sister might want to leave d niece to her own devices she said her own anxiety would not allow d niece to go and have fun without her.

And that's how it is really... d niece is now allowed to play in the garden without d sis as d sis has to be playmate to her.

Every element of d nieces life is planned and organised, not a moment of chill out time. D sis gets cross at her husband for e.g reading a book while 'minding' D niece but tbh although I can't stand the guy I can see nothing at all wrong with him chilling out with a book in the same room instead of flat on the floor playing Lego intensely and quite manically the way my sister does.

I know this is Aibu and I'll probably be marmalised but I don't need to know what others think.

Am I just a shit, lazy mother of three who is doing it all wrong or is there something weird going on here.

I'd suggest reading up on abusive relationships. You can only let her know you'll be there for her when she's ready. However, knowing how and why she's doing things like this might make our easier to deal with for you.

Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That? docdro.id/py03

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

The opening chapter of this book is a great read:
Power
amazon.co.uk/POWER-Surviving-Narcissistic-Collection-Narcissism/dp/1945796324&ved=2ahUKEwikqYzdkJXqAhWJQUEAHSVBDF8QFjAMegQIAxAB&usg=AOvVaw1ZCj-0LUkQfcT-QQGkUm_A]]

For more details:
How He Gets into Her Head: The Mind of the Male Intimate Abuser www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1855942208/ref=cm_sw_r_em_apa_i_gxxAEbBTMRXTM?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

How are the other parents at the DD school? I only ask because at the school my DC attend it is competitive, hot housey and there is insane pressure (from reception) to push ahead of the curriculum and make sure your DC are well ahead of where they need to be. So I have been guilty of hovering over my DC too much at home, directing their play, not giving them enough down time etc. Perhaps she's stressed about the skills DD is learning and feels she needs to direct it?

Sounds like your sis is transferring the lack of control she has over her own life onto controlling her dds life. Plus your sis has anxiety caused by her abusive husband. Remind her she has choices, she can leave if she wants and you will support her choices. Her dh is less powerful than either of them think.

You are doing your best for your sister and DN, but they are in a bad situation and there is little you can do, apart from making sure they know you are there for them. I hope DS makes the break, for herself and her child. Best of luck to all three of you.

Perhaps she just parents differently to you. Does sn have asd? The description of like an older person is very stereotypical for aspie style autistics.

YANBU your sister's obviously got issues.