... to think my younger brother is thinking about himself not our Mum?

[LouisaMusgrove]

I have two brothers one older and one younger. My older brother, who is married, lives near my mother.

My mother is 93 and has her own flat in sheltered accommodation.

The manager there has been very careful about trying to ensure that the elderly residents of the flats don't get infected. But she's now told me that she's happy for my mother to 'bubble up' with two households

Though my older brother couldn't visit my mother in her flat during lockdown, he did her shopping, and also sat down with her in a kind of lobby area outside the flat once a week. He now goes and sits with her inside her flat and she's very pleased to be able to entertain him again.

My younger brother who is single, lives about 100 miles away from my mother, used visit her at least every couple of months pre-Covid. Sometimes he'd just drop in on his way somewhere else - she lives on the way to the Lake District. At other times he'd stay with her overnight - during weekends at Easter and at bank holidays. But of course he didn't do that during the lockdown period.

My mother is very definitely somebody who values her sons most and is particularly fond of my younger brother.

I'd assumed that now that Covid-19 restrictions have been relaxed that my younger brother - like my older one - would 'bubble up' - and start visiting her once more.

But I've just spoken to her and she sounded quite upset and hurt.

Though my brother has no health conditions that make him vulnerable, he is unwilling inside her flat. He won't even sit in the lobby and drink a cup of coffee with her - unless he brings his own thermos and drinks out of that.

It does mean that I can 'bubble up' with her.

But part of me also feels upset that my younger brother seems not to realise how much my mother's wants to be able to have him visit her in her home.

There's nothing I can do is there - apart from visiting her myself?

Though my brother has no health conditions that make him vulnerable, he is unwilling inside her flat. He won't even sit in the lobby and drink a cup of coffee with her - unless he brings his own thermos and drinks out of that

So he will visit & sit in the lobby with a thermostat?

Surely what your brother wants and feels matters in all of this too?

Your mum prefers your brothers but you are fussing over her. I wouldn't bother myself.

So... can’t he bring a thermos and sit in the lobby with her for a bit? It’s not ideal, but he has a right to be worried even if he doesn’t have pre-existing conditions. It also sounds like he might well still be quite worried about your mum, hence his unwillingness to go into her flat and touch her things. Have you spoken to him about this?

Perhaps he doesn’t want to risk infecting her. That’s not selfish.

I doubt he is worried about himself, probably more worried about infecting her.

She should be understanding of this too, and meet him halfway for now. Lobby is a fair compromise.

You should bubble up with her and younger DS can visit with a thermos on the stairs.
It's sad he isn't prepared to do more but it's up to him - no point stressing yourself over it.

I can understand his fear of infecting residents. It's a shame that your mum can't compromise and let him drink from his thermos in the lobby area.

It’s his choice!

My husband hasn’t visited his mother since lockdown began as she is shielding, though he has dropped shopping off twice at her door and that is it, he has chosen to not visit due to her shielding while his siblings continue to visit! He doesn’t want to make her more unwell than she already is, that is his choice and she and everyone else needs to respect that

He's not saying he won't visit, just that he doesn't want to go in her flat right now. How is that unreasonable or selfish?

My perception is that my younger brother is fearful for himself.

He lives alone, works alone and doesn't have to consider anybody but himself on a regular basis. I think he has some quirks around hygiene - he doesn't want anyone to use his loo and doesn't invite visitors to his own home.

He also behaved very oddly when he came round when my father in law was quite ill - nothing contagtious. They normally got on very well but on that occasion he sat as far away from my FiL as possible.

With the very elderly I think there is a need to balance keeping them safe with the knowledge that until a vaccine is found there is never going to be a totally risk free situation. And they might die before that world of safety opens up again

As my mother is 93 with increasing mobility and sight problems, lockdown has been hard for her.

I feel that one of the things that has really helped her keep going is being able to welcome my older brother into her own home again.

He is probably thinking about her welfare. Just because he is allowed to "bubble up" it doesn't mean that it is without risk.
If he lives 100 miles away how often would he see her? Visiting at a distance sounds like a good idea to me. He probably doesn't want to take the chance of being the one to pass the virus on to her.

If she wants to take a chance and bubble up with a second person there might even be someone else who would be more useful to her or keep her company more than him. Though I understand how she must be longing for a hug from him.

I suppose the other point is that given that younger brother lives 100 miles away, it's gone from them seeing regularly each other every month or two, to one brief lobby visit with no further visits in prospect.

You don't usually drive a couple of hours to sit in a rather impersonal space to sip coffee from a thermos.

Better than nothing maybe. But I think one of the things about Covid-19 is that it's always very reassuring when we can meet up in a way that feels relatively 'normal'.

I don't think my mum can feel 'normal' with him at present - though as some people point out we can't always have we want.

I don’t go in my mum’s house as she is shielding. I do go and sit in her garden to see her and I do take my own drink. I think this is a good compromise. I would never forgive myself if I made her ill.

I think it’s silly when you have 2 households you can bubble with to pick one thar lives 100 miles away and has OCD like symptoms surrounding illness. Your mother should pick you as #2.

My first guess is he has already socially bubbled with a partner or friend, which is why he is being super careful with your mum. Anyway while it must be horrible that your mum prefers his infrequent company over yours, you really can’t do or say anything as it’s not really any of your business. Just enjoy her company.

I don't think my younger brother has bubbled with anyone. He has always been a bit of a loner, but close to my mum. And now I think his anxiety over Covid has made him even more of a loner.

Yabu.

Your perception is irrelevant and you'd be better off staying out if it.

He could be shagging everything with a pulse and bit want to infect her.

It's really unfair to be worrying yourself about this, just leave them to it and don't get involved. It's not making you happier and it's really not your business.

You lot are the pits.

She’s lucky she’s allowed this extended bubble. In our residential home the ‘bubbles’ are 2 people from the same household. No more, to minimise risk to other residents.

I think your mum is understandably hurt but I can see where he’s coming from, maybe you could alleviate her hurt by explaining it more fully to her?

I thought your post was going the other way, saying he was insisting on being the second 'bubble' instead of you. She doesn't seem to value you at all? Doesn't that hurt you?

I think it would almost always be the two children closer to the parent who you pick to see. If he came to see her once or twice that would mean that you couldn't come at all? Seems silly to me

@LouisaMusgrove

You lot are the pits.

Oh, grow up. Your brother can choose for himself how he wants to visit.

You say your brother has some issues with ill health and cleanliness. You might think that is selfish but it sounds actually irrational and coming from a place of anxiety. I'd suggest that your brother is struggling with his own demons over this. Pressuring him about how your mother is hurt isn't going to do either of them any favours.

I think it’s a shame OP, and in sorry your brothers are getting top billing with your mother, you clearly care about them.

That crass comment about shagging, I wonder if the poster realised the brother could be in his 70’s and is probably slightly more discerning?