Do I stay out of this and just let him do what he wants?

[SoundsLikeAPyramidScheme]

I'm not really sure if this is an issue or not to be honest but I just feel like something isn't sitting quite well with me about it...

Basically I am currently pregnant, about 12 and a half weeks. DH has children with his ex.

I get on fantastic with the children and we share 50/50 care. DH and his ex do not get on. They don't argue often but they rarely talk about anything other than drop offs or pick ups and any time an issue is brought up with anything regarding the children it turns into quite a nasty argument.

I have tried very hard not to let any of this cloud my judgement of the kids mum and fortunately it seems to have paid off in that we get on quite well despite her and DHs dislike of each other. We will have the odd chat at the door and wave and speak in the street if we see each other etc...

I am not placing sole blame on either of them for the issues between them, they both rile each other up, I've seen it myself from both sides and I have picked DH up on this when it's come from him and tried to get him to ignore it when it's the other way round. Imo, they are both as bad as each other sometimes! I've tried to remain as neutral as possible. As far as I'm aware, the children are happy and not affected by the odd spat their parents have over message/the phone.

Anyway, it's getting to the point now where we are going to have to tell the children very shortly about the baby. One of the children can be very sensitive to things like this and I do think he may get a little upset to start with although I really do believe he will come round soon after. He was similar at other things, when his mum got a partner, when we got married etc... He has a little cry at the shock of the information and then he's fine. So I'm trying to prepare us for the fact that he may be a little upset at first. I really want to be as gentle as possible as I do understand that it will be big news for them.

My first issue is that I think DH should do it alone. I think he should be the one to tell them without me there initially. We get on really really well but I don't want them to feel that they can't be honest with their dad about any concerns or worries they have because I'm there. DH thinks we should do it together so I can also answer any questions they have and reassure them together that we love them just the same and always will. What do you think?

Secondly, DH doesn't think he needs to tell his ex first. I strongly do. I think it's important that she is ready and knows so that she can be there for them when they go to hers if there is some upset.

He is dubious because there have been a couple of occasions in the past where she has been a bit difficult about information like this and has said things to the children about him which have upset them. He is worried that she will try to plant in their heads that they won't be as loved, daddy will love baby more, he's got a new family etc etc... I actually don't think she would. I know which situation he is referring to and it was much more to do with making the children feel guilty about leaving her alone whilst they came to dad's so they wouldn't want to come rather than anything about him specifically and it was a long time ago.

Should I just stay out of this and let him deal with it how he wants to deal with it or should I push this?

Hi, he should really tell his ex before the children tell her, it's just polite imo. It's a big change and it's just normal. He can tell her by phoning or even texting once the kids are at your house if there could be an issue of her telling them first (this can happen!) but I think it is helpful for her to know what will be coming. Especially for any kids who might wobble.

Oh sorry, your question was should you push it. Yes you can tell him what you think but ultimately you can't force him.

Thanks. Yes I think I'll suggest to him that he tells her once the children are already here, that could be a good way of avoiding his concern that she will try to say something to them first/about him. To be honest, I do sort of understand his concern, there have been times in the past where she's said things to him about turning the kids against him if he won't do X or Y which is obviously not very nice and I'm not condoning it but it was a long time ago now and I do think we've sort of moved on from that stage, but I get his hesitation.

I did briefly, (very briefly!) think about telling her myself but I don't think that would be the right thing to do and not my place.

Why would their arguments cloud your judgement of the kid's mum, when your DH is at least 50% responsible?
Yes, he should tell her first but if he hasn't the nous to see that there's little you can do to make him any more grownup.
He sounds a bit of a twat, tbh.

You could either way on telling the kids - you could even tell them alone - but you are right to think his Ex needs to know first.

It's big information for her kids, and she might have to deal with the fall out. Tell her, then tell the kids. Letting her find out from the kids will for sure trash any positivity you have in your relationship with her, and given your kids and hers are about to be siblings, you'll be dealing with her in your life even if you split up with your partner, so best to keep things as friendly as you can.

If she turns into a nightmare after the fact, deal with that then, but keep the high ground for now.

I guess it wouldn't, I've just seen a lot of people end up hating their DHs ex simply because he does and I didn't want that to happen here so I made an effort to form a relationship with her separate from their dislike.

What about the issue of him telling the kids alone or with me there? What do you think?

I think he should tell her once the kids are with you so that she is able to prepare for the kids speaking to her about it. I also think he should tell the kids by himself, maybe with you hanging around next door to speak to them if they have any questions.

You can't make him, but you'd like to think he'd take your opinion into it. As for the ex wife, if she's going to say something bad then she's going to have lots of time for that. She has to know some time, best to just try to be adult about it.

It's big information for her kids, and she might have to deal with the fall out. Tell her, then tell the kids. Letting her find out from the kids will for sure trash any positivity you have in your relationship with her, and given your kids and hers are about to be siblings, you'll be dealing with her in your life even if you split up with your partner, so best to keep things as friendly as you can

Thanks, I do think this is the best way.

But what do I do if he doesn't want to? Like I say, I don't feel it's my place to tell her myself? Or is it?! I don't know.

Don't give her chance to say anything first. You DH is right about that.

I suggest DH tells them alone, gives them time to ask questions, give them a cuddle, but then ask them if they'd like you to come in to ask you questions too, and when/if you do you too give them lots of hugs and assure them that they'll still always be welcome at your house.

At this point I wouldn't tell them how lovely it will be for them to have a baby brother or sister unless they're suggesting that themselves. Let them take it in slowly.

I also think he should tell the kids by himself, maybe with you hanging around next door to speak to them if they have any questions

Thanks, this is what I think. I really think it would be better. They may look for some reassurance from me eventually but obviously their initial concern is going to be about Daddy loving them the same.

I suggested he take them out for McDonald's or somewhere a little fun and tell them but he thinks thats making a big deal out of it.

I don't think that he should take them out, especially as one deals with upheaval by crying. They need to be able to express their emotions, fully, in private.

Letting her find out from the kids will for sure trash any positivity you have in your relationship with her

I don't think it would be fair at all for the ex to let this trash any positivity in hers and OPs relationship. I would expect my ex to tell me this information, I wouldn't place that expectation on his wife and if he didn't, I'd take it up with him not her.

I think OP is right in that it's not her place to tell his ex if he won't but you can give him a nudge, I'd hope he'd take your thoughts into consideration. It sounds like he has genuine concerns though over how she'll be so I do understand.

You sound very balanced and respectful.

@Ponoka7

I don't think that he should take them out, especially as one deals with upheaval by crying. They need to be able to express their emotions, fully, in private.

Oh, I hadn't even thought of this stupidly! Yes you're definitely right there.

I was just thinking they could have a fun day with their Dad and spend some one on one time with him first but yes, in private is better when there is a risk of upset.

OP, you sound totally lovely, and really thoughtful about what the kids need.
Some one-to-one fun time with their dad sounds good, but maybe they could go out after they know - so they can see that things haven't changed, they've done the initial processing of the news at home, but can still ask questions as/when they come up.

Tell their mum whilst they are with you, maybe after you've just told them, so you can say, "X has taken it well, Y was shocked but now is fine etc..." then she is reassured herself that the kids are ok, and has time to process the news by herself before they come home.

They could have a fun day out with their dad after he's told them at home in private and they've been able to cry/question/etc. Depending on how it goes, it may not be appropriate to take them out, or it may be that they would want you to be with them when they go out. You can decide all that at the last minute.

Have a vague plan of something nice to do, and if it seems right do it, but you won't really know until the time comes.

wrt telling ex, well yes he should do it. He should try to get everyone told on the first day the children are with you which will give her a couple of days to get over it. If the worst comes to the worst and he won't tell her, then I suppose you'd have to.

Congratulations anyway! Good luck with it all.

Does ex ever drop them off with you?

I wondered if a compromise might be that he takes them in and tells them whilst you have a chat outside with Mum and tell her. More natural than a text especially as you seem to have a good relationship with her.

Then you could go back in and busy yourself whilst waiting for DH to call you in to chat to the kids.

I take my hat off to you for your sensible and sensitive approach to this, OP.

Speak to her first, even just a text to let her know. As ‘the ex’ who was on the receiving end of this once I had to brunt the upset and stress of my children being told when I had no idea. They suffered for months watching their dad play happy families and it was heartbreaking. If I had been prepared I could have helped them or made suggestions on how to break the news kindly. It’s disrespectful to not inform her as she will be involved in any aspect of the pregnancy and baby affecting her children. Your partner sounds self centred tbh, it’s about the children so he needs to put his differences aside and be a proper role model to them. Thank you for being respectful towards her, it’s a shame not all new wives/partners are this considerate, you sound like a lovely person to have as a stepmother. Good luck with the baby.

We told DSD when she came to visit then called her mum straight after so she knew when DSD returned home and also had time to adjust herself.
I think it’s good to tell them altogether as you then start things off with a family approach rather than as them and you and then perhaps immediately after their dad takes them out so they can talk about any worries; with children they may initially be excited then as the day goes on and they think about it worries come out

I think it’s good to tell them altogether as you then start things off with a family approach rather than as them and you and then perhaps immediately after their dad takes them out so they can talk about any worries

Good point, I didn't think of it like that! Coming at it like a family, makes sense. I do think they will be excited once the idea sinks in, but I'll let them to come to that in their own time.

I'll speak to DH about it again and say I really feel we should let his ex know first. Even if it means telling her once the children are already at our house if that makes him feel better about it.

Would you be able to tell her?

I’d tell the children first and then tell the ex straight after, and I’d let your DH do whichever he thinks is best for telling the children with or without you there.

You sound exactly like the relationship me, my partner and his ex have. I actually get on with her better then he does and like you, we are not best friends but will chat ar the door. When I became pregnant my partner and I sat together, we gave SS the scan picture and told him he was going to be a big brother. We let him ask us any questions he had, then I left him with his dad for a while so they could have a father and son chat. He has actually been really excited about becoming a big brother.
We didn't tell his mum first for the reason of we wanted to be the ones to tell him in our way. Although when partner dropped SS to his mums, partner told mum before SS did as he felt it was better coming from him.

@lilmishap

Would you be able to tell her?

I guess I potentially could. I personally am leaning more towards the idea that it's better coming from him though. We do get on but we aren't close friends or anything. I think she would question why it was me saying something and not him.

I'm going to suggest he either tells her before we tell the kids but whilst they are at our house or tells her after we've told the kids but before they go back to hers so he can't say he's worried about her telling them first.