To not give 11yr old’s mobile number to grandparent?

[ColaRolaBalls]

First time poster so please go easy if I mess up on protocol here.
DS is just 11 & we’ve just treated her to a mobile phone (long secondary school commute starting in September so hoping it will help).
We have a long-standing issue with one set of grandparents not respecting our boundaries & deliberately going against our wishes as parents (I’m not talking about spoiling DS, more like undermining anything we say to DS, encouraging DS to keep secrets from us & do things she’s been told not to). They seem to think we are inadequate as parents & they must compensate & that their way is the best way.
DS speaks to them fairly regularly on our landline or a family video call with all of us. She also started emailing them recently.
These grandparents clearly want to be involved in her life (which is great & I don’t expect things to be perfect) but we have had to limit contact because of their unwillingness to work with us (particularly doing things that may have been ok several generations ago but aren’t considered safe now). We have tried numerous times to resolve things with them but they can’t see any way other than their own. DS thinks they are wonderful but has also expressed how she doesn’t like the way they speak to me/DH.
They have asked several times for DS’s mobile number & we have asked them to stick to email or the landline. It feels a bit harsh but we worry about them having free reign to call/message/influence her. We have spoken to DS and asked her whether or not she’d like them to have her number; she’s said she’d rather just use the landline for now but clearly (& understandably) feels bad saying no to her grandparents (& may be guessing what we think). AIBU?

As your DD is still in the early days of getting used to having her own phone, and she doesn't really want them to have her number, the parent closest to the grandparents needs to tell them that she's not ready to give her number to them and would like to continue chatting to them on the landline.

Another option, although not great, is for them to be given the number but for you to set up blocks on your DD's phone so no messages or calls from grandparents get through...

YANBU. They already have a few ways of being in contact so no need for them to have her mobile number too. Stick to your guns OP.

Just FYI, if your child is a girl then it's DD (dear daughter). DS is the acronym for dear son

Your mistake here was not limiting contact VERY severely when she was younger.

Loads of posts here on grandparents like this and it's always the best move to not let that relationship develop at all. Bit late when an independent older child with a phone thinks granny is lovely and can communicate independently of you.

If she doesn't like the way the grandparent speaks to you/DH then that's good, and that's your in. LIMIT CONTACT as much as possible right now, I'd go so far as to say cut contact for a while. Be blunt. Granny isn't nice to us, and she tells you to keep secrets from us which is really wrong and puts you in danger. We don't want to see much of her and we don't want you giving her your phone number.

It's almost too late, so come down really hard now.

Sound OTT?

I remember a thread on here which could easily be you in five years time. The very similar sounding grandparent had basically seen the normal teenage rebellion as the way to get the control she'd wanted for years, and at the point the poor mum posted, her son was basically completely out of control, off school, out all night, had a key to gran's so had a base to go back to at 3 am. Any communication was trumped by 'Granny thinks you've always been a rubbish mum so fuck off, I can stay with her and she lets me do what I like' At 15-16, nothing to be done. Too late.

The gran had always been the same and the mum bitterly regretted not cutting contact when the son was young.

Sorry this is confusing. Is it a DS or a DD? "DS is just 11 and she ..."

"Encouraging DS to ... do things she's been told not to do."

Or is your child transitioning?

If s/he has a phone for safety for the new school year, then s/he will learn how to use it and add friends etc. S/he may be asked directly by their grandparents for a number so they can speak direct.

It strikes me you either you need to speak to your child about their and your reservations and ask them if they want their GPs to be in touch.

If the gp are in touch with your dc anyway they may just ask your child for their number? Not sure you can get away from them having contact if they're already emailing etc, I don't see how having your child's phone number is really any different.

The gp are aware you're not happy with certain things but you're allowing some contact regardless. Unless you stopped contact completely I don't see the issue of them having her number

Also Your child needs to know what boundaries you have and it's up to your child to respect them. No lies/secrets etc. They need to know you won't tolerate that

Thank you everyone who has replied, they are all really helpful comments. And apologies, 😳 it should be DD.

Fizzygreenwater that doesn’t sound OTT given our experiences so far. I’ve felt so guilty; it’s my parents & their manipulation of me to bend to their will is ingrained (but I have been, and will continue to work hard to rebalance this). I hadn’t considered that far in the future, but timewise it’ll come round quickly & that kind of influence would definitely be a possibility that we are overdue tackling (and yours & others comments gives me the reassurance that putting DD’s safety & our relationship with her first, are the right priorities).

I’ll definitely be talking to DS about boundaries, sticking to our guns with the grandparents & limiting contact more).
Thank you all again.