Being "too nice" isn't a good character trait

[Slimeafterslime]

I have several friends who keep coming to me with problems that are caused by them not standing up for themselves. Whenever I (pleasantly) point this out, they tell me they can't help it, they're just too nice. Being "too nice" absolves them of all personal responsibility for their problems.

I think being "too nice" is just an excuse for being too weak or afraid to stick up for yourself.

I'm really struggling just now, but none of these "too nice" people take the time to ask me how I am while they're offloading all their problems on me. They never take on board any advice so the situation never changes.

What do you think?

Perhaps they don't ask you how you are, because you may present yourself as invulnerable and permanently strong. Some people communicate only in the language of citing their problems or woes.

Some people communicate only in the language of citing their problems or woes.

Which is the epitome of not being nice surely

I have a friend who complains and feels constantly put upon but declines to take any action because (plaintive wail) “My problem is I’m just TOO nice”. You see it so often on MN too, posters who think assertive = aggressive and that expressing an opinion or declining a request = confrontation.

Imo people who declare themselves too nice are saying “The problem can’t be me, after all I’m nice” and so they’re telling themselves that a) the problem is everyone else not being nice and b) there is nothing they themselves can do to address it. It’s so often just not true but if you insist on seeing yourself as a victim then you have to cast others in the role of offender.

In my friends case people would have to bloody psychic to realise she doesn’t want to work late that day or go to the restaurant suggested or meet at that particular time because she responds to a request/suggestion with a BIG smile and agrees with whatever has been proposed. And then thinks people are inconsiderate and taking advantage of her .

Imo people who declare themselves too nice are saying “The problem can’t be me, after all I’m nice” and so they’re telling themselves that a) the problem is everyone else not being nice and b) there is nothing they themselves can do to address it. It’s so often just not true but if you insist on seeing yourself as a victim then you have to cast others in the role of offender.

100% this.

I'm curious about the other 2 posters who think I'm BU. Are you too nice to tell me why I'm unreasonable

Nothing wrong with ‘being nice’ as long as you aren’t a doormat. My old boss used to say that I was too nice - but my suppliers didn’t think that (some were right twisters and I never let them get away with it).

I'm really struggling just now, but none of these "too nice" people take the time to ask me how I am while they're offloading all their problems on me. They never take on board any advice so the situation never changes.
Doesn't this mean that you, yourself, are being too nice OP?

What's stopping you from being assertive and telling them this - firmly but nicely?

Some people just aren't equipped for confrontation. I find it incredibly difficult.

As a child I was taught to avoid or ignore someone if they were nasty to me, to remove myself from the situation. Which is fine if you are an sahm or someone who works for themself, but in a normal office environment, it doesn't deal with the problem.

Being in the same team or being required to work with someone who is unpleasant gives me all sorts of problems. I'm in my 50s but would still rather leave a job than confront someone. And I know I should deal with it but I still don't know how.

So it isn't always straightforward. Although I don't claim to be too nice, and I don't take my problem to someone else. I let my boss know and if it isn't dealt with, I leave. But I sympathise with the people you are talking about.

YANBU, it's passive agressive: "Oh I can't possibly be expected to sort this out myself, I'm just too nice!"

Equally I've met people who use their 'niceness' in a different passive-aggressive way; the "I'm sooo nice you wouldn't dare upset me, would you? Because that would make you a horrible person for upsetting someone as nice as me".

Either way it's not easy to deal with.

What's stopping you from being assertive and telling them this - firmly but nicely?

Oh trust me, I have. People don't tend to like it though.

YANBU.

They want to complain about the situation which they have helped to create, but they don't want to improve it by changing their behaviour in any way.

@Slimeafterslime

What's stopping you from being assertive and telling them this - firmly but nicely?

Oh trust me, I have. People don't tend to like it though.

No I've found that too! It has, however, made themthink twice when in the next situation with me.

I’m bookmarking this to read later. I’m afraid I’m like this too! I think life is miserable and you hold a lot of resentment if you are too nice. Most of my problems are o don’t deal with CF there and then and anger builds up over time.

Think its helpful to unpick the word "nice" a bit.

Nice can mean lots of things but quite often its code for a certain way that mainly women have of accomodating other people's needs ahead of their own all the time, often as a way of making themselves fit in and be accepted. Mainly because women have been socialised for millennia to believe they have to put the needs of their men and children folk ahead of their own.

A lot of (mainly women) now struggle to articulate their wants and needs because they subconsciously think its rude and aggressive and therefore often end up being taken for granted and ignored. So the passive aggression becomes a signal to others that they are upset or want help or support. It's a social language.

I think its incredibly damaging because, as you say, it becomes a sort of bargaining chip. I'm "nice" so therefore I can't be held accountable for not taking control of my life and standing up for myself. And you're out of order for speaking directly to me and telling me home truths. Can't the world just fall into line because I'm "nice".

Like so many other problems in life this has to do with the way women have been treated for so long and the solution is for women to learn to be more assertive and direct with people around them about what they need, as opposed to expecting people to do things for them because they don't offend anyone.

I'm not holding my breath that it will change any time soon.

Christ. Yes to this.

I was 'too nice' for a long time. Essentially, I avoided conflict like the plague but bitched and moaned about people taking advantage of me....I was this person (we all know them) for years!
Nowadays, I'm clear and honest when I'm saying no, or disagreeing with a friend but would be thought of (by a few, not most) as less 'nice' than I was. It's a bit frustrating. It's not like I'm walking around in my 'Tell It Like It Is' t-shirt looking to start Eastenders style bust ups.

OP, they're probably not taking on board your advice because they wanted you to just agree with their viewpoint. That's obviously what they do when someone comes to them with a problem.

@thepeopleversuswork

This is beautifully articulated. Yes, you're so right- It's a social language.

I voted YABU because I don't think the two things are always connected. Everyone tells me how nice I am, my manager would always say I was too nice as I always go above and beyond to help people. However, that certainly doesn't mean I can't stand up for myself. I am nice, but not a doormat.

The difference is that your friends are using it as an excuse for their passive nature. In that case you aren't being unreasonable. You don't stop being nice because you have boundaries or hills to die on.

I literally have no friends who are 'too nice'. They are all very capable of speaking their minds. Maybe because we are getting older now. Agree with you OP.

Personally I think anyone who claims they are 'too nice' isn't actually nice at all. If they were they were actually nice there would be more give and take in the OPs friendships.

I think this is a separate problem from those who are actually doormats 'too nice' and can't stand up for themselves for the reasons thepeopleversuswork describes.

I am not nice. But I do try to be kind. To be there's a big difference. Niceness is that sort of generic, nice-to-everyone friendliness. It's pleasant to be around, but doesn't always result in help/support when it's needed.

I'm not an especially friendly or cheerful person. I'm grumpy and a bit anti-social and I won't make an effort to socialise with people I don't feel I have much in common with - I've been accused of being cliquey as a result. Yet I'll step in and help if I can see it's needed, even for someone I don't particularly like, because that's the kind thing to do.

Yes, kindness is generally a good trait. Although it's only truly kind when done for the correct reasons.