I'm at the end of my tether

[TheShining]

my 8yo is driving me to despair.

We escaped DV a year ago. We moved into temporary accommodation late last year, and have just been allocated a house. I just wanted to give a little background, because I'm aware our situation is chaotic at present, which could be contributing to his behavior.

Some of it is normal "kid stuff": pushing boundaries, etc.

Other behavior isn't, and that's what's making me so desperate.

He pees on the carpet.

He's gouged at the wall with a knife.

He's lied (to me) about me hitting him: he swears it happened. I've never touched him.

I can't take my eyes off him for a minute. I feel I'm neglecting my eldest (DS13), who has self harmed due to the hell that we left (he's having counseling).

I'm sorry if this sounds disjointed: I've just come back to bed after another kick off, because I caught him peeing on the carpet (he was awake), and he had an hour long tantrum, denying he'd done it (I caught him!)

I'm exhausted.

Anyone?

Blimey, that behaviour sounds extreme. No wonder you're at the end of your tether.. Are you having a professional input about his behaviour (or the affect on him from the DV in general)?

Afraid I can't offer much advice (still awaiting my first child so no experience) but bumping for you xx

Have you taken him to the GP? He may need some sort of counselling, if he's also witnessed/been apart of the DV. I haven't personally gone through this so i'm not too sure what to suggest sorry!

He started receiving counseling, but then COVID19 happened, and of course, things went haywire. Then we moved areas, which has delayed things even more. I'm back to square one now with waiting lists etc.

Sorry to hear that op, it sounds tough. No advice but I think you need professional help and the occasional break too. Can anyone look after your kids so you can have a chilled evening?

Poor kid. You really need to get him professional help ASAP.

Does he have ADHD? I know this might sound weird but my eldest son had ADHD and he gourged the plaster put of the walls, mostly in his bedroom, cut his bedsheets frequently, and gnawed on his wooden bed frame untill I had to get him a metal bedframe. I can clearly remember feeling at my wits end and no one seeming to understand the deviation he brought to every day. He rarely slept so I was constantly sleep deprived. I had another child that was perfectly normal. I took him to specialist and was telling him about gourging the plaster and cutting sheets, the specialist put my son on medication which helped but also told me the child he saw before us cut himself. Suddenly the bed sheets did not seem so important. He is grown up now and quite normal with a job he works hard at driving a lorry. When he was young I could never imagine he would grow up to be normal. There is light at end of tunnel OP. Don't give up on him.

@caringcarer

Does he have ADHD? I know this might sound weird but my eldest son had ADHD and he gourged the plaster put of the walls, mostly in his bedroom, cut his bedsheets frequently, and gnawed on his wooden bed frame untill I had to get him a metal bedframe. I can clearly remember feeling at my wits end and no one seeming to understand the deviation he brought to every day. He rarely slept so I was constantly sleep deprived. I had another child that was perfectly normal. I took him to specialist and was telling him about gourging the plaster and cutting sheets, the specialist put my son on medication which helped but also told me the child he saw before us cut himself. Suddenly the bed sheets did not seem so important. He is grown up now and quite normal with a job he works hard at driving a lorry. When he was young I could never imagine he would grow up to be normal. There is light at end of tunnel OP. Don't give up on him.

This sounds like my DS- even down to the not sleeping!

You need to ask GP for a referral for ADHD. My son was put on Ritaline. He did a school trial. We had to give him the drug on certain days. School had to monitor his behaviour and write down which days he was good or badly behaved. Clear correlation between good behaviour and medication. He was moved up from bottom sets in every subject to second sets once he could sit still and focus. He remained on drug until he was 18. He did not take it on school holidays. We struggled for years. Then when he reached 16 or 17 he improved. Have you got anyone who can take him out for a day to give you a break?

Did he witness the DV, OP? Children who have often develop PTSD, but even if they don't, they can still be affected emotionally and psychologically.

He's been through a lot of change in his short life and probably has a lot of confusing and conflicting emotions going on. He may be feeling fearful inside, missing his dad/your ex, feeling guilty about missing your ex, guilty because he couldn't protect you from DV, a whole host of stuff.

I think he needs professional help, too. Did you have an IDVA? They may be able to suggest something or even make an appropriate referral. The alternative is CAMHS, which will be a long wait, or go private, which may well be costly.

Mind you, a former client of mine applied for criminal injuries compensation and used it to pay for counselling for her and her son.

Sounds like this a delayed response to a distressing situation and what he needs is reassurance that, whatever, he does you will not abandon him too. It's a security thing. Can be extremely difficult when they are behaving terribly but not all kids have the ability to say I am feeling anxious and depressed and it comes out as bad behaviour instead . I would as others have said consider the possibility of SEN as well - kids with SEN may find challenging situations such as dv or change in circumstances more difficult than most.

Gosh- thank you so much for the responses!

I'm feeling a little stronger today i do have people around me- my nearest source of support is a 1.5 hour drive away, but they're visiting tomorrow to help me celebrate my birthday, so I'll get a little respite then.

I'm on the spectrum myself, so I know a little about ADHD etc. I'll be making a GP appointment next week. One for me as well, I think. It's brought home how badly I'm coping with the whole situation. I've been focusing on getting my babies safe, creating a home for them, without considering my own MH.

I have anorexia, and I've lost 10st in the year since I kicked him out (I used to weigh 16st, now I'm 5st 3). I need to access some support for me too.

OP I don't mean this as blaming you in the slightest but that is a huge amount of weight to lose and it must he noticable for your DSs. This in itself is probably traumatic. I'm so sorry you're all going through this but you ALL need some clinical support. You can't expect to help your boys without helping yourself. It's a great first step that you've acknowledged this weight loss is problematic, now is the time to contact your GP and get the ball rolling on treatment.

@Bobbiepin

OP I don't mean this as blaming you in the slightest but that is a huge amount of weight to lose and it must he noticable for your DSs. This in itself is probably traumatic. I'm so sorry you're all going through this but you ALL need some clinical support. You can't expect to help your boys without helping yourself. It's a great first step that you've acknowledged this weight loss is problematic, now is the time to contact your GP and get the ball rolling on treatment.

I don't take this as you blaming me at all. I agree with you totally!