Am I being selfish for even considering this?

[TeaAndBiscuitsAndWine]

So, I’m in my mid-40s now and really beginning to look it. The greying hair is easily dealt with by dying it at home, the excess weight can be (mostly!) disguised with clothes, as can the cruel effects of gravity, but the problem is with my face. The bags, lines, and jowls are so unattractive and so ageing, and it’s really beginning to get me down.

I am starting to think about doing something about it, along the lines of some sort of regular but minor cosmetic procedures rather than a face lift, but I am a single parent and while I earn well I live in London and it doesn’t go far. I feel like it would be really selfish of me to spend that kind of money on myself, especially for something as frivolous as looks. Surely I should either spend that money directly on DD, save it for her future needs (she is currently 6.5), or do something sensible like pay the mortgage off faster? I have health issues that mean the latter would be very sensible in case I have to retire early from ill health. I would also like to be able to take DD on holiday more often / better holidays (currently she gets one week a year in the UK costing about £600 including train fares and spending money). Friends have invited us to go to France with them and their children (close friends of DD) but I’ve never felt able to afford it.

I feel so selfish for even considering it, but I’m also so fed up of feeling old and unattractive! I’ve been single for the past 6.5 years, and while I don’t see that changing it would be nice to feel like someone might find me attractive again!

YABU - of course that money should be spent on DD or something practical, get over yourself woman
YANBU - you need to invest in yourself and your happiness too

I’m sorry, I voted YABU, but from a place of kindness. It wouldn’t be selfish if you could comfortably afford it, but I think in the position you have described that it a frivolous expense, not to mention potentially risky.

I think you can invest in yourself and your happiness in more meaningful ways. Holidays, visiting friends, doing enjoyable things with your daughter are things which will enhance your life, not just your daughter’s.

Women in their mid 40’s who have work done on their faces look like women in their mid 40’s who have had work done on their faces.

You sound lovely. I guess the question is could you feel more confident without the artificial treatment? Do you need it? Could you use the money on babysitters and doing an evening course or something that would build your confidence in other ways?
Looks are so superficial and it's a never ending battle. My vote is spend money on yourself, but not on cosmetic procedures.

Yabu in the financial situation you are in, as I would be too if I was considering it.

I voted yanbu... but I’m not sure! How much money are you talking OP?
I often think I shouldn’t spend money on things to do with my appearance - it should go on mortgage, bills etc - but depressingly I find life easier when I look better. Not at all in terms of male attention - I don’t need that - but in terms of how people, friends and strangers alike, interact with me. It’s awful but true. Investing in your appearance might make you more successful and lead to more holidays for your daughter.
Gah what a terrible world! Give all your money to a feminist charity to fight the patriarchy instead.

If those are the only 2 options then I can't vote.

But I will say that you are being unreasonable because being single for the last 6.5 years will have nothing to do with your weight, bags, lines and jowls.

If you look around you, people of all ages and all builds/looks etc are dating others and just getting on with it.

What or who you choose to spend your money on is your choice, but if you have low self-esteem, not amount of surgery can fix that.

We all get older (if we're lucky) and with age, looks change. It's the same for men and women. If you're serious about dating, then give it a try before opting for surgery. It could be that when you meet someone who loves you for who you are, you'll thank your lucky stars you didn't waste all that money.

I voted YANBU because your DC will be happier with a happy mum. I am older than you and would not have any treatment to my face and when I was your age with DC to support on my own I would not have spent money on myself. Mums always put the DC first I think. I do not know if that is the right thing to do. My DC are much older than your DC and I really dont think they realise the sacrifices.

What makes you think that your current looks are the reason you’re single?

Women in their mid 40’s who have work done on their faces look like women in their mid 40’s who have had work done on their faces.

This. So true.

If those are the only 2 options then I can't vote.Same.
Same.
I'm not voting on those.
Do what makes you happy? I'm over 40, excess weight, but mostly happy being me - i can only begin to imagine how shit must be if don't like yourself.
You say people won't find you attractive - just be you and you'll attract like minded people!

Aah I should have specified that I’m not doing it to please a partner, that’s why I mentioned being single! I don’t think having work done would make a difference to that as am too tired and busy to even think about meeting someone, and my life consists entirely of work and childcare anyway! It would probably only be a matter of a couple of hundred pounds a month, which I could afford if I made cuts elsewhere. E.g. I could stop putting so much into my pension each month (currently putting in £30kpa), but that’s a lump sum I’m hoping to leave DD. Several people have mentioned that work would be obvious, which is another fear!

I’m putting as much as I can into my pension in order to leave DD with a lump sum that should pay off the mortgage, as I have a health condition that means I’m not likely to survive past another 15 years, tops, and I want to set her up as best I can. My parents always rented, so the only inheritance she will get will be from me.

I wouldn't consider cosmetic surgery over a pension lump sum for your Dd in the circumstances.

Your money would be better spent on nice, well cut clothes, a good haircut and good skincare and makeup.

Chasing looking young is a fool’s errand but there’s nothing wrong with wanting to look the best you can.

It’s one thing to have a one off treatment but a few hundred every month? No way.

I’m a similar age to you OP - I’ve sorted out my skin which was a massive thing for me, and got some better clothes I’m happy with (I’m fat so they need to fit well).

The difference is marked.

@penelopeplums

I wouldn't consider cosmetic surgery over a pension lump sum for your Dd in the circumstances.

Nor would I. That’s utter madness.

Heddagarbled, that’s a really good point. I’ve been so focused these past few years not spending money, that I haven’t really thought about the ways it could improve our lives if I spend it on things that we would both really enjoy.

Here's the thing, once you start playing with your face, it's over, because your face is never going to be symmetrical. So you fix the brow, but in turn that makes the chin look flat, so you need to get fillers there. That then makes the lips look wonky, so some more filler there. Because your face is not symmetrical, you will never be able to fix it. Fixing one problem will just highlight another. That's why we often see people who dab in facial cosmetic procedures look like that.
Trying to fix your face is a fools errend.

I'm very sorry to hear of your health problems, OP.

I didn't vote because I don't think you're unreasonable as such. And you're definitely not selfish!

In the circumstances, I think it would be wiser to spend the money on some really wonderful experiences and holidays with your daughter over the years.

I recently bought grown up unguents. As opposed to Nivea, which I used for everything. It's made a difference.

Have you tried half measures first?

Thank you all so much. I kind of knew cosmetic stuff wasn’t a good idea, but I’m been so trapped in my own head and going round in circles with everything that I hadn’t stopped to think about what WOULD be a good idea. The comments and suggestions have helped to get thinking outside the ruts I’ve been stuck in. And Lukasiak, that’s a very good point. I see a lot of women round here who have clearly had waaaay too much work done, and I always wonder when they will stop once it reaches that point!

If i were you, i'd do it, cos I don't think it's 'frivolous' at all.
You don't exist in a vacuum just because you have a daughter. It's your life as well.

But all I can add to the discussion is that the most anti ageing treatment you can have is teeth whitening.
It'll take years off you!