To be very lonely and unutterably pissed off

[March2020]

DP and I had our first child in March, right at the beginning of lockdown. I've struggled, although feel I've got a handle on it most of the time now but I get tired as the days go on and 4/5pm is often hard if DS is grumpy.

DP has started to find DS difficult - he's four months and DP has not updated his parenting methods since newborn and spends very little time with him now because it's tricky. I've had four hours sleep last night, partly due to having a baby but also because DP snores like a trooper and then woke the baby up getting his work clothes out of the chest of drawers. Yes, I have asked him to do it the night before.

He came home tonight as I was struggling to get DS to nap and I was crying. He always pisses off into the shed for the best part of an hour when he gets home. I got DS to sleep in his pram and went into the garden with him but DP never appeared. The prick has taken to his bed. He knows I wait for him to come home and I'm lonely and now it'll be at best tomorrow evening I get to speak to another adult. I'm so upset.

You have to change this NOW. Go and wake him up. And tomorrow when he gets home go out for an hour or so. Do that every evening.

You need to put a stop to this or it will never get better. Please wake him and tell him you need him to look after your son. He is a parent too, it shouldn't all fall to you. The early months are the hardest but working as a team will make it easier on both of you.

Ahhh OP that’s crap!! Have you spoken to him about this? This needs to change.

Do you have family nearby that you can visit to help with your loneliness?

I have a DD twelve months older than your child. I would say that you need to get on top of this right away. If you don't it will become the norm for you to look after the child whilst DP does what they like

Every family is different but my DP takes DD on a walk for between 60-90 minutes every night, he'll even go if it's raining. It gives me "me" time which is v important and when he gets back I feed DD whilst he has half an hour to himself usually upstairs with a cup of tea. We try to give each other time off as looking after a you g child is hard as everybody knows

Is there any way DP could sleep in another room if he's interrupting your sleep with his snoring?

He's GOT to start pulling his weight. Good luck

Oh OP that's awful. My LG was born in February and it's been so tough. I went back to work (at home) at the start of June and DP took over. The witching hour in this house is around 6, just in time for bathtime at 645. He used to finish work and take himself off for a nap or a 'break' as he'd been working all day. I don't have that luxury after going back to work as he's realised just how tough it is. I completely lost it the other day, not something I'm proud of but things feel more balanced now. Can you do a physical hand over and take yourself out the house for a walk when when he gets home in the week? You need a time out after you've been home all day ready to tag back in for bedtime.

Also, every time he wakes the baby doing something ridiculous it's DP's turn to soothe him back to sleep. You'd be surprised how soon it stops.

You need to end this pattern right now; your partner’s behaviour is completely unfair and honestly quite mean

Throw a bucket of cold water over him! Scream! Shout! You poor thing.

That is mean of him. You need his support

What’s he doing in the shed for an hour?

Agree with all the others. This is unfair and it needs to stop. It’s not okay for him to go to bed - wake him up.

No no no no - she gets gets home he takes over immediately so that you get as least an hour. I used to dump the baby and go for a walk on my own. Put your foot down as this is not acceptable.

Sorry typos but you get what I am saying

First things first, he needs to be tested for obstructive sleep apnoea. No one should have to lie awake because a sleeping partner is snoring. If he has it, a C-PAP machine will stop the snoring.

The rest of it is thoughtless at best in entirely self centred at worst and you need to tell him so - so do other people. Which leads on to,
but worried that you can’t speak to another adult: do you have family you can confide in?

Oh-oh. We have an 8mo and my DH works from home since March. I have a hobby I maintain and since we moved to solids, I have started to regularly leave the LO with DH for a few hours over the weekends and some evenings.

DH also does evening studies for a degree - tough life. I call it his hobby and we both need a hobby to stay sane.

I'd say you need to have some tough words with your DP. He is not to wake the baby up, (else he can also be woken during the night every time the baby has a feed, me thinks, so he understands how bloody hard it is to have NO sleep for months).

He needs to, most importantly, form a bond with the baby. It is HIS baby, and it will grow up and be more demanding and harder and more work. What then?

Also you can't do everything alone. You need help, you need compassion and understanding, a shoulder to cry on, someone to listen to your worries, and the baby needs to see that his parents are a team. The kind of relationship you have, that is what the baby will grow up with. Make it a good one :)

Oh OP I know exactly how you're feeling. My DD has just turned 8 months and she is hard work nightmare I do all night feeds, day feeds, bedtimes, nap times, the whole lot. DP sleeps in the spare room as he's also a snorer and I couldn't bare not sleeping the little amount I am able too because of him.
DP works 4 on 4 off as a lorry driver and I still do it all on the days that he's off. He just doesn't have any patience and you need an incredible amount with her there's just no effort from him. Not fair I know, but DD is so reliant on me now that she doesn't settle for anyone else (even for me sometimes) she doesn't go to anyone else without screaming.

DP has decided that for the last 3 weeks he will do overtime so working 6 days straight then having 2 off and I'm finding it incredibly hard but how do I say to him to stop earning money when I'm not - it's such a horrible situation. And VERY lonely, even though he doesn't do anything with DD apart from interact with her (while she's in a good mood) it's nice just to have someone there. I completely understand where you're coming from.

If I had to start again I would've got DP helping from the start, but admittedly I just took over and didn't even ask him to help me I just got on with it and said I was 'fine'

You don't want to be in my shoes months down the line. Talk to him.

Agree with PP that this in unacceptable. My baby was born at the end of March and I am totally frazzled and really lonely even with my DP doing his bit, so I can’t imagine how it feels to be doing it in your own. Hugs.

Eugh typos: is and on