My elderly cat had to be euthanised on Tuesday, following a massive stroke (the vet thinks he had a brain tumour, but there was no way he was going to recover from the stroke). My children (24 and 16) were hopeful that putting him on a drip was magically going to somehow fix him... because my mother (whom my daughter rang and came rushing up to support the 24 year old in her hour of need) refused to believe the vet's advice. I was branded cruel, unfeeling, an absolute bitch, and my mother was "going to report [me] to the RSPCA!" for daring to put quality of life, over quantity of life (in other words, putting my cat's needs before her granddaughter's wants).
My mother has had a few TIAs. To my 16 year old son (whose cat, he actually was), she said: "remind me, when I have a stroke, to kill myself, won't you [son]?!" He said nothing. What could he say? They don't get on, at all. And he doesn't know she's had TIAs, because he's 16 years old and doesn't need to know.
I know that I made the only decision that, as a responsible pet "owner", I could. After insisting that my daughter not be there (she was wailing at this point and stressing the cat out), my cat's passing was as comfortable and peaceful as it possibly could be. My daughter hasn't spoken to me since, and my son is being stoic (this cat was the third animal he grew up with to pass in the space of 14 months, and the second who was his). I can't stop hearing my mother's words echoing through me, though, and I'm furious.
My mother's elderly dog had liver cancer, lesions (and I'm talking open sores) upon her skin, and was in considerable pain - my mother had to be gently talked around to accepting that the dog's needs triumphed her wants, and it was me who held her as she passed. I'm always the one who sits and holds them as they pass in my family. Because I'm "cold" and "unfeeling", so "it doesn't matter to [me] so much".
What my mother doesn't see, because I cannot let her, is me breaking my heart over each and every one of them. Especially when they're a part of my family. But I believe that it's in their best interests for a calm atmosphere, to be told they're loved and it's okay, and to know that they're not alone at that moment. I shed my tears over them when I know they're gone.
I know I did the right thing. But am I being unreasonable to be seriously contemplating telling my mother (whom I'm very low contact with anyway, because of her past abuse) to go fuck herself? What she said was totally inappropriate - not just because of the situation, but because she said what she did, to my 16 year old son, whose cat it was, and who hasn't made the death all about him (which he'd have the right to do), unlike his sister - who spent the poor cat's life telling him to "fuck off" because he was "annoying" (he really wasn't).
Am I also being unreasonable to be angry with my daughter for involving my mother (we have separate households, just in case that's not clear) in the first place? I know that she is upset, because she also grew up with the cat, but... it wasn't about her. It was about making sure the cat passed with dignity and calm respect. Especially as he was in pain, confused, and very frightened (as I think any of us would have been). But as she's not put her social life on hold, I don't think she's as grief-stricken as she's claiming. In fact: she went out immediately after I walked out of the vet's surgery minus our grumpy little feline. Her SM is flooded with "pity me" posts about the situation, and she's bragging about how many people have virtue-signalled on them, to her brother. Who told his father what had happened - and, to the best of my knowledge, no one else.
The woman at the pet crem we use was kinder, nicer, more understanding to me during our phone conversation to arrange cremation yesterday, than my own mother has been. And yes; I cried.
So as not to drip-feed... both of my older brothers are NC with her, as is most of her family (her own mother won't have anything to do with her). My daughter has a diagnosis of NPD and can be quite volatile when she doesn't get her own way. My son and I had to have counselling following the death of our dog last year, because talking to/crying at a complete stranger is often the only way... although he and I are communicating about our memories of the various animals. He has always been aware that he's not my mother's favourite grandchild (that'd very firmly be my daughter), and he tends to pay her no heed. But he's also a silent worrier. And he doesn't need to worry about her health, quite frankly. My son also hasn't seen his father in over a year, although maybe this will now change as my ex was very understanding and compassionate to him during their first 'phone-call in months (here's hoping).