AIBU?

[CursesAndMagic]

My partner last year had a rough period where he was quite badly depressed and turned to alcohol occasionally and it all ended up pretty stressful since. He hasn’t drank since only the occasional beer as I said I don’t feel comfortable and the thought of him having spirits gives me anxiety. It’s his birthday next week and he’s weight training and has been on a diet around 4 months now. He wants low calorie drinks and is suggesting gin? We spoke about it and I said I’m not comfortable with it and he said he wants to enjoy himself for his birthday but assures me he will be sensible. AIBU to have an issue with this. I said we talked about it and he said he would stick to beer when he wanted a drink which isn’t often. His answer was we’ve spoken about a lot of things 🤔 he doesn’t like me saying I don’t like it as he feels it’s manipulative even though his issues and drinking affected me so much last year. He’s also much better now and over his depression but the slightest mention of alcohol sends me into an anxiety episode.

To add context we have a one year old and I’m
Pregnant due in October. He’s amazing with the baby and as a partner just this drinking thing no matter how occasionally I really hate.

You are entitled to have an opinion on his drinking - it has and will continue to affect you because you are the person who had to hold him together through his issues. It's not manipulative to express an opinion, particularly given his past.

However, do you think it would be worth looking at your anxiety as a separate issue? You aren't going to be able to prevent him from drinking if it's what he really wants to do, and living in a state of anxiety isn't going to be good for you long-term.

Hard to tell with the little information you gave. On the face of it I wouldn't like someone telling me what I can and cannot drink but it totally depends what happened when he was drinking, if he got aggressive with you etc

Yes I was seeing a therapist but obviously with COVID-19 and everything it’s been on hold and at £70 an hour it’s been difficult to stick to weekly sessions.

He wasn’t aggressive with me at all. He was just drinking so much whiskey he was passing out or falling over etc and I’d have to see it all and deal with it.

And once he drove to work when I wasn’t here when he had had a bottle of straight whiskey and they sent him home.

No other responses?

Honestly, and with kindness OP, you cannot use your anxiety as a way of trying to control what other people do. You can explain your point of view and express an opinion and a preference and if he is a loving partner then hopefully he will take that on board and respect that. But telling, demanding? No.

You can control what you do. If you do not want to be with him if he drinks spirits (and your later posts make it sounds as if there is a basis for that) then you can leave. You can also, as others have said, take steps to deal with your anxiety issues. If the slightest mention of alcohol gives you a serious issue then that needs immediate and urgent attention.

@CursesAndMagic

No other responses?

next time include something of your dilemna as a description in the subject matter.

"AIBU" is the name of the forum...doesn't exactly draw the eye in to have "AIBU" in the post title either

I will say it, yes your are. The man was in a bad way and was very low. He doesn't need to be reminded of it everyti e he wants to enjoy himself. You need to work on your problems because someone should be able to change their life for the better amd not be reminded of a ti,e they were not. Sorry but your wrong.

@Calic0

Honestly, and with kindness OP, you cannot use your anxiety as a way of trying to control what other people do. You can explain your point of view and express an opinion and a preference and if he is a loving partner then hopefully he will take that on board and respect that. But telling, demanding? No.

You can control what you do. If you do not want to be with him if he drinks spirits (and your later posts make it sounds as if there is a basis for that) then you can leave. You can also, as others have said, take steps to deal with your anxiety issues. If the slightest mention of alcohol gives you a serious issue then that needs immediate and urgent attention.

I agree with this.

You'd be getting slightly different responses if it sounded like he's an alcoholic- although granted the drink driving and whole bottles of whiskey is concerning.

Do you have any reason to believe he won't be able to stop at one drink?

You clearly struggled watching him go through whatever it was he went through but as others have said, you can't control him. If he is an alcoholic then in your shoes I'd be reconsidering the relationship but....You haven't really given much for ppl to go on so on the basis of what you've said, I'm going to YABU.

Yabu, you can't decide what someone else can do/eat/drink/watch/who they speak to/follow online/talk to.
Not ok.

I understand where you're coming from, but I guess it depends:

• if his doctor thinks he's an alcoholic, he shouldn't drink.
• if he gets aggressive, drinks and drives, picks up the baby while drunk or does other irresponsible things, he shouldn't drink.
• if he proved to you he can be a responsible drinker, you shouldn't limit what he can drink. And gin has fewer calories than beer. I assume he's not planning to drink a whole bottle? And one can get wasted on beer, so the type of alcohol doesn't matter.

If the third one is true then I agree with PPs that it's your anxiety that's the problem. Wishing you all the best

I don’t think you can use your anxiety to control him either I’m sorry, although I understand where you’re coming from, also I understand why he’d want to cut loose and habe a few drinks on his birthday. Even if he gets pissed, as long as it’s just a birthday celebration I think it is ok, lots of people get drunk on their birthday. The issue is if they continue to do it regularly and cause issues.

Also you need to remember if you control someone too tight then at some point they are going to break free. It’s a miserable way to live.

Ok at first I thought you were being unreasonable. I drink a bit too much when I drink, but it doesn't massively affect others around me, I'm not aggressive, dangerous, I don't get to the stage where I need 'looking after'. I probably am just a bit irritating and a bit more tired the next day but still pull my weight with the kids and chores etc. So if it's just occasional, I'd be annoyed at someone telling me they didnt want me to or wanted me to change what I drank.

But reading your update - he was getting so drunk you needed to look after him...and drank and bottle of whisky and drove into work? That's horrific, it's a miracle he didn't kill someone and destroy the lives of your family as well. That's a bit more than most people associate with drinking to cope with being depressed. I think being anxious that that this situation might happen again is completely natural and understandable and most people would feel the same. And he is massively down playing it by calling you manipulative for wanting to avoid the risk of that happening again. Its pretty shit actually to put it back on you and make out it's your issue, when clearly he had the issue.

What's changed and what's he going to do to make sure he doesnt get into that state again?