Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

His sister thinks i'm intimidated by her.

27 replies

CaitJane · 23/07/2020 14:45

Me and boyfriend are 25 and been together 1 year. His sister is 27.
She is very confident and chatty whereas I am quite shy and reserved so completely opposite personalities.

I admit I probably can come across quite distant and not talkative at times but this is just me, but around friends and people I know well I am chatty and lively.

My boyfriend asked me yesterday if I like her since his sister told him she gets the impression I don't like her and that i'm intimidated by her.

I laughed at the word intimidated as I found this a bit much. I explained to boyfriend that it's not that I dont like her but that we are complete opposites and I just havent clicked with her and that I dont like the way she speaks to people sometimes (she can be very defensive and argumentative and as a guest I can find it quite uncomfortable).

I just feel we dont have that click which i'm okay with whereas boyfriend kept joking for about half an hour that I dont like her and asking if i'll never be friends with her.
I told him I can't see us suddenly finding a click after a year but i'll always be nice and try to find things in common. But I now feel off that she genuinly thinks i'm intimidated

OP posts:

FudgeBrownie2019 · 23/07/2020 14:49

Why does your boyfriend need you to be friends with his sister? Isn't it enough that you're polite and civil? I don't see why being someones boyfriend or girlfriend means you have to adore their whole family. It's great if you do, but it's by no means necessary.

I wouldn't respond other than to laugh at your boyfriends ridiculousness and tell him that you already have plenty of friends, thanks.

Original poster

CaitJane · 23/07/2020 14:53

That's what I thought! I'm always polite and make conversation but just because someone is more shy and introverted doesnt mean they are intimidated by someone louder, it just means I'm not too fussed

OP posts:

whynotwhen · 23/07/2020 14:54

You should have just said you don't like her. It sounds as if you don't like her tbh. All this about 'clicks', she's just not your kind of person

Original poster

CaitJane · 23/07/2020 14:57

@whynotwhen but it's not that I don't like her,
I genuinely don't think in my head "gosh I really don't like boyfriend's sister", I like her but I have nothing in common with her,
I told my boyfriend yesterday that I'm not too keen on how argumentative she can be and that sometimes tension is caused for no reason but I have nothing against her

OP posts:

chubbyhotchoc · 23/07/2020 15:13

Girls who are a bit loud can be a bit intimidated by girls who are more quietly confident. I imagine she sensed your distaste for her behaviours and is trying to provoke a reaction in you because she's probably feels more comfortable with conflict than the scenario you have right now. She'll be a pain going forwards.

MRex · 23/07/2020 15:19

How close is your boyfriend to his sister? They obviously had a chat about you, she said she thought maybe you didn't like her. I'm not sure why you felt the need to say you didn't like her, don't most people want to avoid relationships with someone who doesn't like their family? You don't need to be best friends, just to get along. Now you've been clear that won't happen, based on her being sometimes a bit loud. Seems a bit extreme.

Original poster

CaitJane · 23/07/2020 15:22

I could cope with the tension at certain points but last time I saw her the other day, My 8 year old cousin wanted to take my boyfriend's dogs on a prearranged walk with my boyfriend. So I brought her up with some dog toys and we found out the sister had taken the dogs.
I said it was okay we can go without the dogs but his sister was on the phone to boyfriend saying how she's going to be another hour and we are both rubbish at arranging things;
My boyfriend asked if he could drive and maybe pick up 1 of the dogs (she had 2 on the walk) and she was saying no,
Anyway despite saying an hour she came back within 5 minutes and pulled boyfriend aside and had a whisper argument,
Me and my cousin were just stood there awkwardly so I told my cousin we'll get going on our walk in a minute but I genuinely didnt get the massive fuss and would have happily gone on a walk without the dogs as would my cousin,

So sometimes things just seem harder than they need to be

OP posts:

Original poster

CaitJane · 23/07/2020 15:24

@MRex i didnt tell my boyfriend I didnt like her,
I told him I did like her but I dont have much in common with her and that sometimes I feel things are made tense when they don't need to be,
I can't force a bond with someone, otherwise humans would be friends with everyone,
I get on well with his brothers and parents so it's not as if i'm aloof with the whole family

OP posts:

annabel85 · 23/07/2020 15:24

@chubbyhotchoc

The loudest people in the room are often the most insecure.

Original poster

CaitJane · 23/07/2020 15:25

@MRex also they had a chat with me around their family dinner table when his sister was visiting, I wasn't there

OP posts:

Original poster

CaitJane · 23/07/2020 15:29

But overall it's the fact she said I was intimidated by her that urked me,
Being intimidated makes me think of being afraid of someone or feeling less than them so I didnt like that that was said

OP posts:

chubbyhotchoc · 23/07/2020 15:38

@CaitJane she doesn't think you're intimidated by her. She thinks you think she's loud and brash because she probably is. Your best bet is to carry on being yourself and not get provoked.

Loveinatimeofcovid · 23/07/2020 15:40

Surely it’s pretty obvious that she likes confrontation and she’s specifically used the word intimidated in an attempt to get a reaction out of you? Either your boyfriend is stupid or he’s happy to participate in her shit stirring.

peanutsandpinenuts · 23/07/2020 15:45

I'd let go of the hang up over the word intimidated... dose it really matter? She sounds like the type of person that needs attention and you're not giving it to her... just continue to do what you're doing, be nice etc but don't be best pals. You do you and don't let her provoke you.

HannaYeah · 23/07/2020 16:33

She sounds like the type that likes to create drama. I wouldn’t say anything more to your boyfriend about her, not even clarifying beyond “oh no, I like her fine.” He’s kind of pathetic for putting himself in the middle by telling you what she said; he’s going to go back to her now and tell her what you said about her.

If he says anything again about you being intimidated I’d just say, “Hmmm, I wonder why she would think that.” And not a word more

MRex · 23/07/2020 16:49

So she was out with dogs and brought them back for your cousin, that seems quite nice. If someone said it looked like I was intimidated by them, it wouldn't bother me unless I was, I don't know why you've taken such offence to the comment. I guess I'm reading this differently than others because honestly it sounds like you're creating all the drama and making a lot of assumptions because you don't like her.

"I'm not too keen on how argumentative she can be" sounds very much as not liking someone by the way. You might not see it that way, but I expect your boyfriend does.

KittyHawke80 · 23/07/2020 17:00

I think your dislike of the word 'intimidated' is entirely legitimate, actually. I suspect she's used it as a kind of humblebrag to imply she's generally a more impressive presence than you are. She sounds very tiresome.

BlingLoving · 23/07/2020 17:01

Girls who are a bit loud can be a bit intimidated by girls who are more quietly confident.

Haha, this makes me laugh. I'm loud and so are many of my friends. We generally feel bad because we know we take over and then make an effort not to. I've met loud people who are simply dismissive of quieter people (I don't tend to get on with that type).

The dog thing makes me laugh as this is the kind of thing that happens with DH and SIL. Inevitably, he and her will agree some very vague thing eg her walking our dog. No timing or confirmed plans. Then I'll take dog out and she'll turn up while we're out and be all upset because that was when she wanted to do it. Or she'll say she's coming in the late afternoon so we won't bother to take dog and then she doesn't turn up at all. If that's how his family is, just let it roll past you as otherwise it can be very annoying (and, from experience, the few times I have let it rile me up for one reason or another, it's caused massive tension as DH, bless him, immediately is on my side and then his family are all confused about why he's getting so cross with them).

PinkyBrain · 23/07/2020 17:02

I’ve got a colleague like this and it’s really hard work. She’s nice enough but we’re completely different people. I just find her so bloody loud and overbearing and she has to be involved in absolutely everything and talk behind people’s backs whereas I’m quite reserved, am nice to everyone but try my hardest not to get involved in any of the politics. I internally roll my eyes when she speaks and I’m sure she must know and probably feels the same about me.

I would say nothing more to your partner, if he asks then you like her and there’s no issue. Do not react, do not give her any reason to cause drama, this kind of person thrives on it. Good luck!

whynotwhen · 23/07/2020 17:14

MRex I agree with what you said. Seems a little odd to me

Rainbowshine · 23/07/2020 17:14

My SIL is a bit like your boyfriend’s sister I think. She has a habit of getting a thrill from arguing and being controversial and thinks that being like that is cool. I’m not like that, I don’t have lots in common with the in laws so I stick to boring topics such as weather, traffic and routes on the way to meeting up, and pets.

I learnt over time it’s better not to feed her habit (it is a bit like she’s getting a fix from it) and just get through our gatherings by making non commital noises from time to time when she gets going on a topic.

I think this isn’t just about the sister though. Your boyfriend is stirring things - isn’t he?! DH knows I am different from his sister, he’s there to intervene when she gets a bit too much (usually when she’s been drinking) and I respect the fact he loves and cares for her and has become used to this over time and it’s newer to me. I’m sure he finds some of my family a bit weird and hard to get along with and he adopts the same approach as me when we all get together.

I think you need to look at whether it’s a sister problem or a boyfriend problem.

Original poster

CaitJane · 23/07/2020 17:21

Thanks everyone for the replies,
I get along with everyone else in his family, I think theyre lovely,
Me not liking the fact she said I was intimidated by her does not mean I am intimidated it means I think her saying i am intimidated by her has shocked me because I am in no way intimidated, nor do I get why someone would even think another human is intimidated by them
I had not said anything bad behind her back before this. Whenever we had meals or whatever, I would say to boyfriend "that was lovely" so obviously when she is now saying i"m intimidated by her, it's taken me aback.

And yes she brought the dogs back but she was very dramatic about it even though we offered to go without the dogs or pick them up, and I didnt like the attitude infront of my cousin who already felt shy waiting around

OP posts:

Atadaddicted · 23/07/2020 17:27

Late twenties?

This honestly reads like a situation in year 9 at school

Original poster

CaitJane · 23/07/2020 17:28

@Atadaddicted tell me about it

OP posts:

Atadaddicted · 23/07/2020 17:32

I include you in that description!

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread