To feel really resentful of ex-h?

[whattodoandhow]

I split up with my ex-h nine months ago, have bought him out of our joint house and I'm filing for divorce shortly. We have one DS aged 2 and I'm really struggling not to resent my ex massively, I have DS all week and he has him Sat and Sun morn every other week, it's exhausting and today I've just seen him post all about how he's reconnecting with old friends etc and its great having all the time to do this (subtly blaming me for not keeping in touch before even though I never stopped him) and how his new relationship is getting really serious. I don't care what he does anymore - I was the one who initiated the split - but I don't have any free time aside from the one night and on that night all I want to do is collapse in a heap and recover.
He says he can't have him any other time as he's WFH, well so what so am I but with a 2 yr old in tow. If it weren't for my parents helping I have no idea how I would cope.
Everytime I ask him if he could have DS an extra night or weekend he 'has plans' and if by some miracle he does agree the pathetic amount he pays in cm is immediately reduced for it.
I'm honestly just so tired, I love DS but he is exhausting and it's not fair that ex gets to have the bachelor life and forget he has a son or only when it suits him.
Anyway, rant over!

YANBU, what a pathetic excuse for a father. I can see why you bombed him.

Binned! Not bombed😂

Yeah that sounds shit. Any formal contact in place?

Yep this was me a few years ago. It really doesn't seem fair does it.

Just keep plugging away, the kids will get easier as time goes on. Find a good babysitter so you can start to have an evening a week out, go to they gym, the cinema or see friends.

Seriously, you life will become so much easier if you simply stop trying to get him to step up. Stop trying to rely on him.

He'll be a sad old man one day who has no relationship with his kids.

Is he paying over the odds for maintenance, so the reduced amount comes to what the CSA would set? If not get that in place.

You need to formalise the contact arrangements. Block him on SM so you don't know what he is doing. Your DS will be so much easier as he gets closer to three and lock down ends. It's just a case of hanging in there. Resentment won't be any good to you. My DD is, in a similar position and I really value the opportunity this has given me with my GC. So don't feel bad for relying on your parents.

You would be absolutely right to hate his guts. Worthless excuse for a father.

What he means by 'his new relationship allowing him to do this' is 'since binning off my toddler son 90% of the time I have loads more freedom'. Well who'd have thunk . But of course that doesn't play as well on Instagram.

If he's the kind of prick who gets their self-esteem from social media watch out for him turning your son into his trophy and playing super-dad one the 0.025% of occasions he can actually be bothered. Watch out also for him dropping your son like a hot potato once he starts spawning with his new girlfriend (which of course he will in due course) - random older stepchild doesn't look as tidyas #ourlittlefamily.

It's utterly utterly shit. He is shit.

But (and as someone also trying to wfh with a toddler at the moment I know it doesn't feel like it right now!) you are actually the winner here. You ditched his useless arse, which will have been a massive blow to his ballooning ego. You had the wherewithall and the resourcefulness to preserve your and your son's home; and most importantly, you get your son. You don't have to miss him half the time, you don't have to worry about how craply his dad will be treating him while he's there; you get to protect him, love him and be the formative influence in his life. Over time Daddy Craptastic's influence will fade to almost an afterthought, and his neglect and selfishness won't be able to hurt your little one.

WELL DONE for being brave and strong; keep on trucking; one day that little gremlin clinging onto your neck will be a decent, loving young man who'll bring you a cuppa at your desk, and who will be grateful to you for providing him with a safe, secure and loving base to build his life on xxx

I would suggest removing him from social media to begin with.
It's not fair but in the nicest possible way you're going to have to just accept it as it's not going to change.
When parents separate it's always the resident parent that is left to pock up the pieces.
My DD is 13 and me and her dad separated when she was 1.
He has had an illustrious career, gone months without seeing her because of his job. Because of this he is now financially in a position to take her to Disneyland and other fancy holidays. My earning potential was slashed as everything came down to decisions around childcare and being present for her.
However, the bond that me and my DD has is worth more than any new Audi or flash holiday.
You made a decision to be a parent when you had DS and that's what you need to focus on.

Not unreasonable at all it’s bloody hard work! I split from exH when my DC was around 17 months and have had maybe 2 Saturday nights to myself/out with friends in the last 3 years while he is out most Fridays and Saturdays. On the plus side you just have to know you are going the best for you little one and they won’t be little forever and at least you aren’t saddled with a useless DH- the constant reminders of their inadequacies can be quite helpful at times!

Yanbu at all op. We hear you and big hugs.

Why does he pay a pitiful amount in cm?

I'm guessing he pays CMS if he reduces it per night - its likely a pitiful amount because unless he is a high earner, CMS is pitiful as a % of income. OP, you know what, its true what everyone says about you being the ultimate "winner" but it doesn't make it any fairer and actually, assuming he is fairly local, I would start getting a bit more assertive. When he says he's WFH, say "so am I - how is it different?" He should be having him Fri-Sunday teatime if its EOW, or if that's too much given your son's age, Sat morn to Sun teatime and a weekday overnight.
In the end you can't force him, but far too many of us end up in this position and get gaslighted by exes that we are somehow bad mothers if we want "time off". I would suggest approaching this in a very formal way - suggest mediation or even court (you can self rep very easily) to get a proper arrangement in place that is not ad hoc and that he has to make his social arrangements around, that makes the division of childcare both fairer and also gives your DS a decent amount of time with the father he has a right to have a strong relationship with. I am certain your ex is doing all of what a pp said about enjoying his bachelor lifestyle, painting himself as a victim and being an insta-dad when it suits him. I completely get it and YANBU to feel the way you do but don't just assume it HAS to be this way. If this is a fairly recent split there is still time to try and set up a new "normal" now he's had his little pity party holiday.

You need to let the anger go. My ex barely has our daughter, pays nothing for her, and in general is a bit useless. Did I feel raging anger about his behaviour? Yes! Was it eating me up inside?! Yes! But we both chose to be parents, and I could never act like he has done to our child. It’s pathetic how some men walk away or don’t step up, but we cannot force them. And all the anger and resentment does is eat away at us - it makes no difference to them. All we can do is focus on our lives and how to make them more manageable. It gets easier - they will get older and more able to do things. Play dates and other people will help out, build a village to help raise your child (and support you).

But women are designed to look after children, so having your 2-year-old with you is no extra trouble while you WFH and do all the domestic chores (which we're also designed for) with the other hand. For him, his penis gets in the way so looking after children is actual work, and that's why he shouldn't have to do much of it.

Apparently.

I can see why you split from this arsehole.
Go get something formal in place that regular or you will find your ds not wanting to go with him.
Stop looking at his fb or whatever, just block him.
He should be with him Friday evening to Sunday evening if it’s eow.
Do you get CM from him?

If he's the kind of prick who gets their self-esteem from social media watch out for him turning your son into his trophy and playing super-dad one the 0.025% of occasions he can actually be bothered.
Yes, this. OP, honestly, block him, it is not going to get better from here. He'll play dad of the year now and will #makememories, it will be really hard on you.

Thank you all, ive tried to keep things civil for the sake of DS so there's no formal contact arrangements in place but starting to think I should! He only pays whatever the CMS calculator says so he reduces it himself, it is a pitiful amount because his 'declared' income isn't that high.
Im going to block him, I agree that it doesn't do me any good to see it, it's just soooooo aggravating!