To ask what it's like to not need a lot from a relationship?

[harryheadbanger]

Recently started dating again after my divorce. I met my ex husband at 20 so I don't have much dating experience. I'm in my first 'relationship' post-divorce at the moment.

I've been quite surprised to learn how different some people's needs are in relationships.

I'm learning that I'm someone who both gives and needs a lot in terms of effort, emotion and time.

It was quite a revelation when chatting some friends (male and female) about this to find that some people simply don't need that and likewise some people don't want to give that.

I had assumed that everyone needed this from someone they were dating and, in turn, gave this to someone they were dating.

Furthermore I thought that if they didn't, something must be terribly wrong.

Friends explained to me that, in fact, it was perfectly possible for someone (of a certain personality type) to be very happy in a relationship without requiring or giving large amounts of affection and time.

Kind of mind blown by this revelation so would love to hear from different kinds of people about how they behave and would love to hear more from other people about this, particularly if you're a low-needs person when you date.

It's really just a curiosity thing, I just can't imagine being perfectly happy in a relationship without wanting to be overt about it. I highly envy those of you who fit that description!

This is really interesting. You're right. Part of it is to do with attachment styles (avoidant versus anxious etc) and learning to be comfortable with your natural style -- I think you get better at identifying people with similar styles as you get older.

I think a big part of it also is that women are conditioned from a young age to think they have to be the emotional caregiver and put the needs of their spouse/partner over their own (and then obviously their children).

One of the great things about relationships after divorce in my experience is that its explicit that you've both got other priorities and other things going on in your lives so you tend to be more independent and more detached and less likely to fall down this rabbit hole of being this person who exists only to support everyone else.

I'm in a relatively new relationship post divorce with someone who I see at most twice a week (I have a DD) and its great. There's no expectation (in the short term anyway) that we will move in together, no constant self-guessing of "where the relationship is heading", no pressure. We enjoy our time together but we're both people with our own lives.

I think its far healthier, personally. It may take a bit of getting used to if you've been married but I think it makes for a much happier and more stable relationship.

I’ve been married for a very long time, and DH and I are both similar in that we don’t need a lot from each other. We both work, and have gone through periods of living and working overseas, when we have needed more from each other - simply because we didn’t know anyone else at first. Our children are grown up, but when they were small, he worked in the day, and I worked evenings and weekends. This was probably when we started being independent from each other.

We both have good social lives - separately and jointly, and I love and care for my friends as much as I do for DH. We do love each other very much, but neither of us are emotional people. We go out for dinner a couple of times a week and have sex a couple of times a week and we have lovely holidays together. Other than that, we are busy working and doing our own thing, but each of us knows the other one is there if we need anything.