Interfering MIL

becca2906 · 2020-07-22T19:33:08+00:00

Has anyone had or currently having problems with an interfering mother in law? I’m struggling with PND and my partner makes me feel like it’s all me. I’m not close to her, so unsure how to address the situation. In all honesty I think my partner should man up and say something. I’ve put up with a lot, including her calling herself Mummy, stopping him sleeping for an entire day so she could have all day with him, changing his clothes as she preferred a different outfit, taking him off of me whilst I’m trying to soothe him and today she’s now FED him food without my consent or knowledge - this is my first baby and he’s five months and I dread her having him.

partofyoupoursoutofme · 22/07/2020 21:16

That sounds like a nightmare. Are you getting support for your pnd? Don't let anyone look after your baby who you don't trust to do things your way, and don't feel pressured by your partner either. You are right, he should be standing up for you, or at least supporting you to feel as good as you can. Maybe practice saying 'you can't have him today mil, I have plans' or 'if you don't follow his routine or listen to me about his care then I won't be able to trust you to look after him alone'.
I'm sorry you are going through this xxx

Campingintheraintoday · 22/07/2020 21:18

Why does she have him unsupervised?

Original poster

becca2906 · 22/07/2020 21:38

@Campingintheraintoday if I have appointments, my mum has him unsupervised and is absolutely fine. I try to keep it even…
@partofyoupoursoutofme I am on medication and under a perinatal team but due to COVID-19 support is limited unfortunately.

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SnackSizeRaisin · 22/07/2020 22:05

To be honest I think a 5 month old baby needs to be with its mother as much as possible - if you let MIL look after him, this is entirely for her benefit and not for the baby's. Obviously if it's necessary that is a different matter but given her behaviour, I would just stop this for now, until the baby is older. Allow short supervised visits only. It's your baby and you need to stick up for him.
Talk to your partner - he should put you first before your mother in law. Even if he thinks you are wrong. If he doesn't, you have a problem.

Gatehouse77 · 22/07/2020 22:10

Bollox to keeping it even. If she asks why your mum spends more time with your child tell her it’s because she respects you as the mother and understands her role as grandmother.

Original poster

becca2906 · 23/07/2020 07:32

@Gatehouse77 @SnackSizeRaisin thank you, it’s been so hard. I feel so disrespected by both MIL and my partner. We had a huge argument last night and I don’t know if we can come back from it.

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Gatehouse77 · 23/07/2020 10:10

Sorry to hear that as it a tough situation to be in. Can you go and stay with your mum for a while while you think/talk things through?

7yo7yo · 23/07/2020 10:15

Do you want to come back from it?
Tell him to piss of and his mother can have her own child if she really wants but your the mother of your own child. Or maybe he’d like it if baby called your dad daddy?

Original poster

becca2906 · 23/07/2020 12:07

@Gatehouse77 @7yo7yo I’m debating staying with my mum as I’m not sure we can come back from this, we haven’t even spoke this morning he’s just letting me do everything for the baby whilst he’s at his desk 🙄

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7yo7yo · 23/07/2020 12:13

I reckon your mental health would improve when your out of there.
Is the house owned or rented?
Financials?
Practicalities?
Will you be safe leaving?

Keeva2017 · 23/07/2020 12:23

This post was me 3 years ago. I didn’t think we would make it, we just about did but the toll it took on me whilst he was adjusting and the effort I put in to help him get to a healthier place (ie where his mums feeling didn’t trump absolutely everything at all time’s) was immense.

I’m reality I sometimes still resent what I went through because of his mum issues but I’m getting over it. I even have a fair relationship with his mum now. It can be done. But to be fair to mil I think some issues were her pushing but some were just my partner desperate to please on things that she wasn’t even that bothered about.

Just wanted to say hold your ground. Any talk of “fair equal blah blah” is just white noise. You are a new mum to a baby that only needs you and dad. If you are the main carer then your priority is your needs over everyone’s but babies and if partner can’t manage that, then gray rock him. Good luck.

Ilovechinese · 23/07/2020 12:38

You need to not let her see your baby unsupervised! She should not be giving a baby under 6 months food and even then it's up to you what and how to feed your baby as your the mum not her! You need to make that clear to her and put her in her place!

MulticolourMophead · 23/07/2020 12:48

I'd take the baby and go and stay with your mum.

You are the primary care giver, and your MIL needs to remember that. If she wants a do over baby, she can go and get pregnant.

Your partner needs to remember that you are the child's mother, not his own mother. He should be putting your needs above what his mother wants.

Original poster

becca2906 · 23/07/2020 13:28

He’s asked that we talk things through today but I just feel like a broken record, house is owned between us and we have shared finances as well as our own. I’d be fine at my mum’s - I’d obviously prefer to salvage things so @Keeva2017 it’s good to know you can get there. Thanks all for your comments x

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ItWasNotOK · 23/07/2020 13:31

I came on here to say my MIL interferes too, but yours is 10 times worse and my husband tells her to stfu every time she starts.

I'd go and stay with your mum, pnd is no joke and you need to be with supportive people.

mrssunshinexxx · 23/07/2020 13:36

@becca2906

Sorry to read your post I'm going through similar I have a 4 week old first baby and I lost my mum suddenly 11 eeeks ago she was my best friend in the world I am heartbroken and more.
I was close to mil before I lost my mum but since my feelings have changed like a light switch I feel like I'm betraying my mum spending time with her and I don't want to and she has said / done things that have really really upset me she asked on Friday 'do you think you have post natal depression ' but because she says It ina. Soft gentle voice my husband doesn't even see how bad it is to ask something so direct like thag she also asked me before the baby came down you think you'll be able to cope with the baby'

I feel for you .
I todl my husband in order for things to try get better I need to get the things off my chest and tell her how I feel we were meant to have a chat this morning as she came over and I wanted him to be here so nothing gets twisted (she didn't know I wanted this chat she doesn't have a clue how much she's upset me ) she went to the toilet and i said to DH are we having this chat and he said not now and I said when he said I don't know but not now
I feel gutted that I am so obviously second in line to his fucking mother when I am his wife !!
Sorry to derail your thread just really needed to vent

ShouldWeChangeTheBulb · 23/07/2020 13:41

I think the clothing thing is fine. Maybe she just wants to play dress up, it won’t harm him.
Not allowing him naps is odd. How does she stop him?
She definitely shouldn’t be feeding him. Why did she think that was acceptable?

IwishIhadaMargarita · 23/07/2020 13:43

Go to your mums and let him think, does he miss you enough to back you up? If he does he had a word with his mother and reminds her you are your child’s mother not her and she does not undermine you no matter what!

FizzyGreenWater · 23/07/2020 13:46

Go to your mum's.

And tell you partner that you'll be returning when he is able totell his mother to BUTT OUT of your parenting, understand that she is grandmother NOT mother and to start RESPECTING you.

Until then - consider the partnership no more, because a partner who doesn't have your back is no partner at all.

Nanny0gg · 23/07/2020 14:10

[quote mrssunshinexxx]@becca2906

Sorry to read your post I'm going through similar I have a 4 week old first baby and I lost my mum suddenly 11 eeeks ago she was my best friend in the world I am heartbroken and more.
I was close to mil before I lost my mum but since my feelings have changed like a light switch I feel like I'm betraying my mum spending time with her and I don't want to and she has said / done things that have really really upset me she asked on Friday 'do you think you have post natal depression ' but because she says It ina. Soft gentle voice my husband doesn't even see how bad it is to ask something so direct like thag she also asked me before the baby came down you think you'll be able to cope with the baby'

I feel for you .
I todl my husband in order for things to try get better I need to get the things off my chest and tell her how I feel we were meant to have a chat this morning as she came over and I wanted him to be here so nothing gets twisted (she didn't know I wanted this chat she doesn't have a clue how much she's upset me ) she went to the toilet and i said to DH are we having this chat and he said not now and I said when he said I don't know but not now
I feel gutted that I am so obviously second in line to his fucking mother when I am his wife !!
Sorry to derail your thread just really needed to vent [/quote]
I'm sorry for your loss.

But really, you're not betraying your mum and it may be (understandably) that having a new baby plus the loss of your mum has tipped you into PND.

Please talk to your midwife/GP to see what they think.

What specifically has she done to upset you?

Nanny0gg · 23/07/2020 14:10

@becca2906

He’s asked that we talk things through today but I just feel like a broken record, house is owned between us and we have shared finances as well as our own. I’d be fine at my mum’s - I’d obviously prefer to salvage things so *@Keeva2017* it’s good to know you can get there. Thanks all for your comments x

It wouldn't hurt to have a break - he might take you seriously then.

Original poster

becca2906 · 23/07/2020 15:48

@mrssunshinexxx so sorry for your loss, it must be doubly difficult without your own mum.
Thank you everyone else for the support, I agree that there is not really a partnership. I think that nothing will be resolved any time soon, I just hope that I start feeling better soon so maybe I can “deal” with it…

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allthesharks · 23/07/2020 16:06

I am experiencing something somewhat similar, but with my MIL I know she means well, she just oversteps the line sometimes. It's a very difficult relationship to navigate with a MIL when you have your own baby. They obviously want to be involved but you don't always want them around as you're unlikely to be as close to her as you are your own mother (or sister, or friend). It is also difficult for a partner to hear anything negative about their own mum. I know that if someone criticised my parents I would immediately jump to their defence because they're my parent and I automatically feel protective of them, even if objectively I could see they had done something wrong, that wouldn't be my immediate reaction. With that said, I think being able to discuss it with your partner is the key here. But its important that you tell him how it makes you feel rather than focusing on his mum's behaviour. Ultimately, he needs to support you. I have said to my partner that if I can speak to him about the things his mum has done that have irritated me it means I can make it less of an issue with her because I can get it off my chest. As I said, my MIL hasn't done anything awful, just a few comments and I worry that in the future it might get worse (DS is only 2 weeks old), but I know that my DP will back me up. There's nothing that needs to be said at the moment but he has offered to say something to her and he has said that he will interject if ever needed. Your partner needs to see this from your perspective. He needs to understand that his mother doesn't get to make the decisions that she's trying to (changing nap times and giving food) and that if she can't implement the rules and routines that you have then she can't look after your child on her own. That is reasonable. First he needs to understand that and then he needs to tell his mum that this is what you have both agreed. You can't make him understand, but if you try to speak to him about the way it makes you feel then he might be more open to taking it on board, rather than making it about his mum.

mrssunshinexxx · 23/07/2020 18:12

@allthesharks I think it's shit that's it's even an issue and if it's causing you problems and baby only 2 weeks old it's going to get worse but the fact your partner will back you is the main and most important thing.. wish mine would especially whilst I'm grieving my mum it's all just crap!