To want to know why people dont take to me?

[Rumbletumbleinmytummy]

I dont understand it, and its upsetting me because everyones getting back to their normal, seeing their friends, and whilst its lovely, I feel quite left out.
No one wants to see me, no ones checked up on me. I've checked up on a lot of people, many haven't bothered to get back to me, or just said I cant talk, I'll text later, and havent heard back.

I post photos of my family, no one likes them or comments.

I've not had friends for so long. I put myself out there, I think I'm quite funny to be around, I think I'm kind. I'm always happy to listen if anyone needs an ear. I very rarely tell people what's going on with me, but even if I do, no one really cares.
I'm due to undergo an operation in around two weeks time, and it's going to be life changing no one seems interested.

It feels like no one cares and it hurts because I always show interest in my friends lives, and try to support them, but I cant help but feel terribly alone.

My friends maybe make time to see me once a year, it's always a nice time. I'm always quite cheerful and chatty, never really about myself.

What can I do to be more liked? I'd really like go have friends but theres something about me people dont take to. I'd just love it if someone was to ever think, ah wouldnt it be nice to invite Rumble along for those drinks, lunch out, bowling, dinner. Or even to ask how I am.

It's just upsetting and makes me feel like shit. I've even started to wonder if it's because I'm fat and people cant bare to look at my face.

Can anyone tell me how to make friends please.

You sound like a lovely caring person OP. I feel in a similar situation tbh. I do hope your operation goes well. Please feel free to message me anytime for a chat I'm up for being online friends xx

Are there any support groups around for others who have gone through a similar operation and experience? I find it difficult to make friends - although the few I do have I have bonded with over shared experiences - not necessarily positive ones. I think many women have had the experience of a one sided friendship - best you can do is move on. I've personally found that removing similar 'friends' from my life actually gave me more headspace and time to focus nurture new relationships which may well have passed me by otherwise.

In my family there is quite a history of social communication disorder, lots of oddballs like me. My eldest (of three) has Autism, my youngest diagnosed social communication disorder. As a result of this I've spent quite a bit of time reading up and learning about what is friendship to help my DC in their journey.

One of the fundamental things I think is there are a lot more phases of friend than one word allows for. A recent study was quoted on the radio and the suggestion was you need approximately 400 hours reciprocal conversation to feel a true closeness to someone.

So as I see it the phases of friendship start with the casual hello to someone you vaguely have a common interest/ routine/ workplace with.

2) From hello is the idle chit chat which leads to reciprocation - a compliment on something they're wearing, an observation on a hair cut, a compliment leading to a question like oh I love that scarf, do you mind if I ask where you got it?
3) Reciprocation leads to chatting.
4) From chatting you move onto choosing to spend time with each other, going for coffee, making plans etc.
5) That leads to taking an interest in what's important to each other, caring begins (this is where I think is the actual brink of friendship).
6) Next is doing something because you can/ they can without expectation of reciprocation, yet knowing you have each other's back (true friendship)

The queen bees and popular girls on the playground had a lot of stage 4 people in their lives. It's easy to think of that as friendship, I'm not sure it really is. It's closer to what I feel acquaintance means. The number of people we have in our lives at stage 6 is very few. It's like a funnel with dozens of people we might say hello to, fewer we ask questions of/ show an interest in, even fewer we stop and chat with and so it goes on.

Moving through the stages takes incredible bravery, I find even more so as an adult, and of course time. I say to DD try to smile and say hello to someone new each day, try to chat to someone who's smiled back at least once a week. That's where it starts.

DD started a new school just before lockdown. The playground feels rather clicky but I've been trying the smile and see who smiles back and casual questions. Baby steps.

I'd question what stage your various friends are in their relationship with you. Then think about whether you can/ you want to, nurture the relationship onto the next stage of if its reached the level it will with that person. You don't need to ditch them, just acknowledge what that relationship is and where its boundaries are. Then keep going with gently looking to expand your circles of people in your life and some of those will over time become true friends.

OP I am quite a loner too, I try too hard to fit in and I think I come across as a bit weird, too nice like I am not really being myself and its true I am not.

Some of us aren't really sociable people and actually that is ok. If you feel like you want some friendships take up a hobby or interest amd see if anything grows.

I hope your operation goes well and that it os life changing in a good way!

SantaClaritaDiet wow indeed, I totally agree.
I’ve noticed that the ones who have lots of friends often aren’t the nicest people. This also. I've got lots of friends and I'm nice plus I'm fat and old. It can be done

You sound lovely OP! I'f you want an online friend, PM me.

And this is why I hate MN. There always has to be at least one person making an unnecessarily snarky comment, just for the sake of it. I didn’t mean ALL pretty thin women are like this. I’m thin and pretty and I’m not! Joking obviously.

If you struggle making friends, usually you have just been unlucky and not yet found “your” people

Imo it’s easiest making friends doing a hobby,and starting with a shared interest

I could have written that OP! I’m exactly the same.

I know people say ‘don’t bother with the people who don’t make an effort’ but if I didn’t there wouldn’t be anyone.

I’m as nice as I know how to be but it’s just not really good enough. I don’t do the school run because I’m at work, so I’ve no connection to the school mums. I get on with everyone at work, no issues at all, but we’re not friends. For example, on people’s birthdays I happily contribute to presents and help decorate their classrooms or desks etc, but on my birthday they don’t do a collection or anything. Which is fine, I don’t need them to, but I wonder why they don’t like me enough to bother. Same with nights out. Last year they went to a scare attraction at Halloween. I was talking to them all about it and saying I’d love to go. Someone said ‘oh maybe you and your partner can go?’ So it was clear they didn’t want me to join in.

I don’t know. The woman I’d say is my best friend, is extremely popular. She is genuinely lovely, but she’s got lots of friends and different interests to me. She is always kind and I’m sure if I desperately needed help, she would help. But we don’t see each other often, there’s no nights out or coffee. She doesn’t contact me, I contact her.

I’m lucky in lots of ways. I just wish I had more/closer friendships.

OP, you sound lovely.

I think with these threads, and there are many along the same lines, the poster often outlines what they do for others, how good a listener they are, etc etc and the overarching theme is how much they put others first and how frustrated they are that they get nothing back. It's hard to change how you are but try putting yourself first more, don't just listen to others ramble on about themselves, cut in with stories and anecdotes about yourself (not long ones!), don't keep doing 'stuff' for people, let people do things for you! Don't set yourself up for disappointment.

Friendships should be a two way street.

@OfTheNight the not reciprocating on your birthday is not fine. Not fine at all. Is there a clique who get presents and do collections, roping everyone in, then the outsiders who contribute but never get in return?

I read, on mumsnet, a few years ago quite a harsh post on someones birthday when everyone had forgetten. It suggested that we need to manage our own birthdays, expectations and drop heavy hints of what we'd like. That way, something will happen. It was more specifically about a DH that regularly forgot important anniversaries but it applies to widder life to.

My sister is successful at socialising. I've noticed how subtly she does this. A few weeks before her birthday she starts talking and posting on her media about looking forwards to her family getting together for her birthday and her DH has suggested X restaurant is it any good etc. It just gets into everyones thoughts her birthday is coming up and low and behold no one forgets!

On the scare attraction, the ones by me tend to be you buy a ticket with a timeslot. After tickets are purchased you can't just tack another one on. Could it be something like that?

@RippleEffects thanks for your reply. I agree you have to have responsibility for that kind of thing. I’m our department there is a popular woman who has has her birthday the day before mine, so we do chat about looking forward to our birthdays on the run up. I’ve never said anything about the room decorating or collections though to be fair, but I’ve never noticed her hinting either. I don’t know if I should try that maybe? There is also a yearly wall planner with all our birthdays on so people do know. I don’t know I’m probably too passive. I always bake a cake on my birthday and take it in, people do seem to like it and this year some made suggestions on what flavour I should make. But no collection or anything.

With the scare thing, one of the group had the booking page up and they were discussing what time slot they wanted when I joined in, so I thought perhaps they were in the process of booking but I could be wrong.

No one is awful to me, I happily chat to everyone, I’m just not one of the popular people. I know it’s on me to sort out, I just don’t know the best way to do it.

@fastnfurious and @Yorkiee this is definitely the best way I've found that works for my sanity,now when I do hear off them I answer promptly and may initiate once more in the following weeks for example then leave it to them to initiate next contact.
I do panic that I'd lose my best friend of 25 years but also if she's not prepared to reach out at least once a month with a simple text then its not a friendship worth continuing realistically.

@Sunny4876 true. After a few weeks one mesaages me and I realised I just don't even care anymore. It shouldn't really take one that long to reply.. I just replied vaguely. But feel much happier.