No help

[LadyLabyrinth]

Not sure if I have unreasonable expectations or just need to grow a backbone or something...I had a baby in January and pendemic aside, I've had next to no help or interaction with local family.

Perhaps I am just very selfish but as a work from home Buisness owner and new mother I had an idealist assumption that family would want to spend time with us, and perhaps be willing to help out once in a while, maybe by watching the baby so I could work for an hour or two once a week. But every time I ask for help, people say they are too busy.

I feel like I'm in the wrong when I get annoyed about it. Yet I see other young families who we know who are flooded with family help, offers to babysit etc. I passed out the first month of motherhood from exhaustion and no one cares.

Starting to feel as though I need to abandon all expectations of a support network at this point and it makes me really sad. Id like to thing family would be there for my child, if not for me...

Do you have a partner? Do your family have other commitments and have you spoken to them about how you feel?

I know exactly how you feel. When my ds was born, my mum used to come over to visits, but my brother (who lived with her) would come and collect her to limit her time. It was so weird.
After a while she stopped trying to visit. We had no family help with regard to childcare, so we just got on with it ourselves. I feel some sorrow when I see families who are so close, but I guess I have to accept what we have.

I have a partner who work full time+ and does their best to help. Family all live within 10-15 minutes of us, and range from part to full time jobs and help out with siblings kids (hence my annoyance). They have all suggested I give up my Buisness.

Tbh- I think it’s really entitled to just expect people to look after your baby while you work just because they are related to you. Childcare- arranging actual childcare- should be one of the first things you consider when you decide to have a baby. You can’t really just have hoped people you know would be available as and when you needed them?

Your partner "does their best to help" - sheesh! Your partner is presumably also parent to your baby, and therefore, needs to share parenting with you. 50% of the time would be a good start.

Yeah, your partner needs to be pulling his weight, it's not your family's responsibility to pick up his slack

Your family had no say in you having a baby, it’s a choice you made as a couple. Looking after the baby is your responsibility, not theirs. I’d be very if a family member expected me to be their free childcare.

So many seem to feel their choice to have children should mean others do free childcare or they shouldn’t cost them anything etc.

I do pay for some childcare and have offered family money to help out. The expectation comes from the fact that I am the youngest of my siblings and seen all of them get help with their kids. But I see your point. My baby, my responsibility and maybe your right, and I am entitled. Thank you for your honesty. It's nice to have confirmation that it's my issue, my failings.

As for my partner, they do do their best. They work out of the home a lot and try to give me time to run my business. There is no slack, only love and effort. He's the only one I feel like I can turn to.

I feel your annoyance re the other family members receiving hep but not you.

Both my brother and sister have children. My mum has 6 Grandchildren total. My brother and his wife are both full time employed, my mum cared for their 2 sons daily from infant s until pre-school, also collects them from pre-school etc now. My sister also has a little one and has a part-time job, husband works full time, my mum will also constantly have their child, sometimes she even has my brothers 2 and my sister 1 all at once.

My sister will ask for stupid things, like "can you have X while my husband and I both clean out the fishtank" because its apparently a 2 man job

Once or twice a year, I will ask my mum to come to my house and sit with my 3, so my husband an I can go for a meal, wedding anniversary etc. We are always back fairly early... Its usually a no... I am used to being the underdog of my family, brothers golden child, sister "baby" so I am used to it but my hubs has recently got really angry about it. We don't ask for barely a thing and its a problem, but nothings to much trouble for the others :(

I was the "difficult" middle child... I was always a goby show off and a rebellious teen. I dunno maybe I deserve it, hubs doesn't think so.

YABU - it would be nice to have more help / offers of babysitting but you cannot expect it.

It’s not your ‘failings’ as you put it so dramatically - everyone has their own lives and it’s always practical for people to drop everything to babysit for someone else.

Its shitty if you helped your siblings out and they wont return the favour or if your parents looked after their other grandchildren. However unless their is an agreement in place with relatives (my mum does school pick up for me once a week when shes in the country and it's a set arrangement) its sensible to have paid childcare when you're working. As we've all found out during lockdown working with kids around is hellish and its important to have a good routine for the kids as well as you.
Parents circumstances change though, as I said my mum helps me out once a week which is fabulous and saves me money but she did nothing for my sister when her child was young because she worked full time in a very senior position so had no free time at all.

I learnt long ago to gratefully accept offers of help and not begrudge lack of them. We have one side of grandparents who offered help (although they don't do ill children and can't be relied upon) and one side who have never had them. I totally get where each side is coming from. The side that help got a lot out of it, children can be an absolute joy. The side that didn't probably wouldn't have got that joy and I wouldn't want them to do something they didn't want to do.

I think the fact that you are the youngest of your siblings may be relevant. I have one sister and I am older than her by five years but her children are all older than mine. My oldest is a few months younger than her youngest and my youngest is 16 years younger than her oldest. Whilst there is a massive back story, my parents had much less interaction with my children than with hers and I tell myself think that the reason is because they were younger and fitter when her children were small.

Childcare is a massive responsibility. I got caught out a few times until I had to say - I DO NOT DO CHILDCARE so please don't ask me. Having spent well over 2 decades raising my own kids, I don't want to do that any more.

My sister off-loaded 3 days a week AND weekends to both sets of grandparents. It was no wonder they said a big fat no to anybody else who asked.

I am regularly amazed by threads from people complaining they have to look after their own kids.

I'm afraid expectations where this is concerned don't actually mirror reality in a lot of cases. I think expecting people to help out is really entitled. If people offer, then fantastic, but it shouldn't ever be expected. You made the decision to have kids, so you can't expect people to facilitate this, they are 100% your responsibility, if they offer, bite their hands off and be thankful.

My parents stayed with me for two weeks following the birth and that just about summed up the extent of their help. Whereas my friends mum used to have her dc once a week overnight and sometimes for a week to allow them to holiday without their dc. I was always very jealous, I had no help at all. But once she had a second and her parents were older it all stopped and she really struggled as she wasn't expecting that

Do you think it’s possible that your child on top of their other established childcare ‘duties’ (for want of a better word), is just too much? Babies, in particular, are very time consuming and difficult to add in to the mix with other small kids. Just because you love your little one to bits doesn’t mean everyone else finds a day with them a breeze and something to look forward to. Babies are hard work!

Im in that situation myself. I’m returning to work now after a second baby. This is the wider families third child, and the third child my DPs will be providing child care for. Their enthusiasm has noticeably waned since the first DC (also mine) came along some years ago. First DC they would have taken 24/7 if I’d allowed it. Second DC (my siblings child), they were a good bit more lukewarm, and mostly only took DC as and when strictly needed for work, for special occasions like pantos or parties, or to allow occasional nights out for my sibling. Third DC (my baby) and they’ve asked for third DC of their own accord about twice in the last year and when I ask for help to allow me to get something essential done or to attend an appointment, there’s a definite hesitation. It’s made me very reluctant to ask.

If I was sibling 3, having a first baby, the disparity between all the kids would be really hurtful. As it is, I see that they do really want to help out and to have a loving relationship with the kids, but with every additional child it becomes more and more of a chore.

My sibling is expecting again and I honestly think when fourth DC arrives they will sit down with us and there will be a move to childminder/nursery care instead as it will just be too much for them. They aren’t a crèche 🤷🏻‍♀️

Can I ask what's your business? It's rather odd they would just suggest you drop it.

Can you pause it for couple of months or would you lose all clients?

It is hard. Had zero help over the years. My mil would have helped for say an xmas party etc. My own mam no. Had reared her own.. I used feel it would see school mams having plenty family backup.

Why have you had to go back to work so early?

You don't really expect people to have been helping out during lockdown proper?

It seems unfair that you have seen older siblings get help and are struggling but it really isn't down to anyone else? Where was your partner when you passed out form exhaustion?

The fact you ask and are rebuffed says it all really.

Maybe consider formal childcare?

Have you helped with their children OP?

Thank you all for the input. This has been really helpful 🙂 I appreciate the time. As I said in the original post, I was wondering about babysitting and just general interaction, as it's very rare we even see anyone but it's good to know I just need a perspective shift. Please don't think for one second I don't want to look after my baby, because it's all I want to do, but as many mums I also have to work.

To the lady who mentioned my over dramatic nature regarding my failings, everyone has kindly pointed out the character flaw I suspected about myself, which is a failing in my book. Something to overcome and grow from.

I would also just like to point out that family help was promised prior to baby but realising now that that was just politeness. Will learn to take comments with a pinch of salt from now on, including these same people saying I'm mad for looking at childcare and to give my buisness, whilst asking me to have a second kid 😅

Really ladies, thank you all so much for the comments. Wasn't all that nice to hear, self reflection never is, but I needed it. Thank you.

(My username finally updated, so sorry for any confusion)

Don’t give up your business! (Unless it’s unviable as a business in its own right) pay for childcare. Even if it takes all your income for a while. You’ll only need childcare for a few short years until DC goes to school. It’s really not that long in the grand scheme of things. But the benefit to your personal finances wrt pension and future prospects will be so worth it. Don’t take yourself out of the workplace.