I've been with my DP for 10yrs+, 2 kids. We've always both enjoyed a drink but whereas I can take it or leave it, my DP drinks a minimum of 2 bottles of wine a day without fail. He has always had issues with anxiety and I think in some ways this is his attempt to manage his feelings. He functions very well on the amount of alcohol he drinks, rarely seeming drunk and never abusive. However, I have started to resent the lack of emotional intimacy in our relationship. He stays up until the early hours, but obviously one of us has to be up with the kids, so I'm usually tucked up in bed much earlier if I've not fallen asleep when putting the kids to bed. When he does get up in the mornings with them, he normally falls asleep on the couch and leaves them to their own devices, sticking the TV on and rarely interacting until he's caught up on sleep. When he does interact he can be grumpy and snappy. To me it seems as though he's doing the things he enjoys at the expense of supporting and spending time with his family.
I miss going to bed together and that time alone, talking and falling asleep holding hands. We very rarely have sex, mainly because I'm asleep before he comes to bed. I've also let myself go quite a bit since kids and don't feel attractive anymore and I wonder if he sees me the same way.
Obviously during lockdown the situation has been exaggerated. Initially, less trips to the supermarket meant that we were buying wine and spirits in bulk, rather than popping to the shop each day. Having more alcohol in the house meant he would drink more. There have been some nights where he's just not slept at all. We've both been furloughed, and he's struggled without work to give him routine and purpose. He's also found homeschooling frustrating (although haven't we all to some extent!). But whereas I've been trying to do jobs around the house to keep me occupied, he says I am finding things to do that don't need doing. He prefers to stay in bed until lunchtime where he can, or he'll return to bed after a morning of schooling. I don't mind him having a lie-in, but I feel like being up all night and asleep all day is taking the p*ss and I feel like time with us is less important to him.
Whenever I talk to my DP about the situation I feel that he shuts me down - for example, this morning he said that I like to exaggerate things because I claimed he was in bed until 2pm yesterday, when apparently he got up at 1.30pm. He maintains its not an issue because I was working and I'd taken the kids to grandmas, so what else would he do?
I love him very much I want to make our relationship work. I know these are horrible circumstances for all of us, and I try to understand how frustrating it must be to be furloughed for so long. But at the same time I don't feel that my feelings are important to him. I've offered to help and support him in any way I can to reduce the drinking, but nothing changes. He doesn't see the issue as in his eyes he isn't doing anything wrong, but he does acknowledge he drinks too much.
AIBU to want the situation to change? Am I putting my feelings before his own? Should I ride it out and hope things get better when he's back at work? Any advice about how I can explain to him how I feel without making the situation worse without yet another argument?